World

With U.S. Recession Looming, Russia Lowers AK-47 Prices

2008-01-18T15:56:39Z

(Moscow, Russia) Anyone who can read a newspaper knows that the American economy is on the brink of a recession. But not to worry, other nations around the world are already extending a helping hand.

God Angers Christian Right By Extending Earth’s Lease 10,000 Years

2007-11-09T15:55:24Z

(New Orleans, LA) It seems that the Christian right keeps getting the shaft. First, President George W. Bush wined and dined them only say he had a headache, then they were hit by the Ralph Reed (gayish fraud) and Ted Haggard (gayish gay) scandals, and now it seems their dream of seeing the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will remain just a dream.

Yesterday, three years and four days before the end was to come, God signed an agreement with Satan extending the Earth’s lease for another ten thousand years.

Kim Jong Il Wins 'Kim Jong Il Award' Again!

2007-07-25T15:03:53Z

(Pyongyang, Democratic People's Republic of Korea) All of North Korea was abuzz last night as the Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Leader and God-King Kim Jong Il surprised everyone by winning the 2006 'Kim Jong Il' Award. This marked the 12th win in a row (out of the 12 years the award has been given) for the little Napoleon of the Far East.

Kim, dressed in a ruffled shirt and pastel tux, scampered to the stage and began to sing ROCKET MAN. After he finished the entire song, he decried that Rocket Man was his new name, and that he had written the song. Then he showed some choreographed emotion. "I don't know what to say, I really wasn't expecting to win again! I mean twelve years in a row? Who does that? Come on! I guess you really love me DPRK. You really love me!"

But do they? An anonymous staffer said in a hushed tone, "Love him? Yea, like three day old rice. This whole award ceremony is all a colossal, self-serving evening of bullshit." And as the T was hanging on his tongue, he was carted away and given the very important job (by none other that Rocket Man himself) of testing a new bulletproof helmet. (Unfortunately for the staffer, we were later told that the helmet still has a design problems. )

Rocket Man's 1st assistant, Munhwa Seok, while kissing a picture of Rocket Man, said, "Rocket Man's victory in this very competitive contest is spectacular. And because the Korean people honored him with such a victory, Rocket Man has given the staff an hour off and will turn on the nation's lights for one extra hour tonight. It's a very exciting time to be North Korean."

The local people agree, "Rocket Man deserves this award. He works very hard to keep this country number one. And tonight it was nice to have the extra light. I'm reading Rocket Man's biography. And I got to get to the part where he single-handedly defeated the Americans. What a Korean."

While the people of the PDRK are impressed with Rocket Man's win. The rest of the world is not. American President George W. Bush has this to say, "He's a crazy, power hungry man who cares nothing about democracy. And let's face it, winning the 'Kim Jong Il' Award is nothing to crow about. It's not like winning the "George W. Bush' Award that will premiere this fall. And guess who's going to win that gem. Go on, guess."

Bin Laden Announces "Al Qaeda Idol"!

2007-04-25T00:06:15Z

(Some cave in Afghanistan) The very tall and feared terrorist Osama Bin Laden announced Monday that he will be holding auditions for a spin-off of the hit American show "American Idol".

The goal of this "Idol" is, in 12 weeks, find a replacement for recently deceased leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. And to use any funds from selling the show to fund worldwide operations.

Hundreds of eager insurgents from all over the map have already flooded the mountains of northern Afghanistan. And the rejections have already begun. Arul Dob-Komen, a young Pakistani, left the audition disappointed, "I was rejected because all I know how to do is land a plane. Now I'll have to go home ashamed, empty-handed and marry my fat cousin. Thanks a lot."

22 year-old Faruiz-Hafeez has moved on to the second round. "It was touch and go for a moment. I was doing great in the beheading demo, then I dropped a wire during my explosive-assembly bit, but I made up for it when I mimed a hijacking."

Even though winning would mean eternal fame in the Islamists circles, some contestants are wary. "If I ended up winning this thing, that would mean that I couldn't blow myself up, since I will be leading the missions," said 25 year-old Yemi Sharzeh "And I have been dreaming about wearing that belt since I was a young boy. It's a pickle."

Not surprisingly FOX network executives have threatened legal action against Bin Laden, unless he shares the profits and lets Simon Cowell be a judge. To Simon working with a murderer would not be a problem. "Some emotional stability would be nice for a change," said Cowell "And if Osama thinks he can push me around, let me say that I grew up in South London."

As one would expect, the CIA and the rest of the American government is shocked that people from a TV network could find Bin Laden and they could not. In a televised address, CIA Director, General Michael V. Hayden said, "We fucking give up. Good luck." But President Bush is not giving up. He wants the show canceled. "If we can't find him, at least we can cancel his TV show. That'll show'em."

Osama couldn't be reached for comment, but his spokesman said in a letter delivered by an albino, "Mr. Bin Laden is considering all options. He still wants to destroy America (after the DVD sales for Season 1 are in) and agrees South London is a tough place to grow up."

Newly Discovered 3rd Sect Of Islam Keeping Their Damn Trap Shut

2007-04-15T00:50:04Z

(Riyadh, Saudi Arabia) A stunning discovery has rocked not only the Islamic world, but also the entire planet. Members of an unknown 3rd sect of Islam, called the Susees, were found living in a small village in southern Saudi Arabia.

"This is amazing. This opens up the debate on who really holds the mantle of Islam handed down from the Prophet," said Ibrahim Al-Saad, professor of Islamic Studies at New York University "I can't wait to interview these people and find out what has happened to them all these years."

"I'll tell you what's been happening all these years, we've been living in peace," said an anonymous Susee leader "We haven't been chopping the heads off our enemies, and we haven't had our heads chopped off. And we like it that way. So leave us alone."

But the Islamic world can't do that. Both Shia and Sunni leaders from the Middle East are thrilled that there's a new player in the Muslim game.

"With the help of the Susees, we will crush the Shia Crescent before it emerges," said a spokesman for Saudi leader King Abdullah.

"My friend has it all wrong," countered Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "The Shia and Susees will come together and establish a world wide Shia Crescent, finally drowning the Sunni and the West's influence."

So which side will the Susees pick?

"We reserve the right to keep our damn trap shut," said the anonymous Susee leader "and our location secret. So again, please scram."

"It seems that the Susees just want to sit on the sidelines and let the Shia and Sunni fight it out," said Professor Al-Saad "That's a very shrewd position, but I don't think the world is going to let the Susees sit by and do nothing."

Which is why the Susees are moving. "What did I say? We like peace, and there is no peace in their Islam," said the Susie leader over the phone "So now we're going underground. I hope you're happy, a-hole." Then the phone went dead, and the Susees were gone.

In a strange twist, the Shia and Sunni are not blaming each other or their faith for the loss of their Islamic brethren, but the United States of America. "What the shit else is new?" asked a tired President George W. Bush "Hell, I can't catch a break with these people."

George Zimmer Tells Ahmadinejad, "I Have The Tie For You, I Guarantee It."

2007-04-15T00:46:16Z

(Houston, TX) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rubs a lot of people the wrong way, whether he's claiming that the Holocaust never happened, unofficially aiding Shiite rebels in Iraq or moving his country's nuclear program forward. But that's not what gets in the craw of Men's Warehouse founder George Zimmer. "Why can't he wear a damn tie?" asked Zimmer "He's a head of state. Call me old fashion, but I think that title requires the individual to wear a tie."

And most people agree with Zimmer including Vice President Dick Cheney. "Well, I think Ahmadinejad's choice not to wear a tie is proof that he's not only a threat to freedom but also to the entire world," said Cheney "Just remember that Kim Jong-Il doesn't wear a tie, Saddam didn't either, and if you go back in history neither did Hitler, Mussolini or Japan's Emperor Hirohito. Basically, if you don't wear a tie, you're an asshole."

"Well if anyone can spot an asshole, it's another asshole," said Ahmadinejad's spokesman Abdul Talani over the phone "The President doesn't wear a tie because he rejects the Western standard of dress as vulgar." But off the record, Talani gave another reason. "President Ahmadinejad really doesn't wear a tie because he doesn't know how to tie a one. And he's not the type of man who likes to be taught things, much like your President Bush," said Talani.

"He can't tie a tie?" asked George Zimmer "That's not a problem. The clip-on technology has come a long way. I have literally hundreds of clip-on ties in all types of colors, patterns and knots. So there is no excuse for President Ahmadinejad not to wear a tie, unless he wants to start another World War. But I don't think he does. Something tells me that he just hasn't found the right tie. Now you tell Mr. Talani to give this message to President Ahmadinejad. Mr. President I have the tie for you. I Guarantee It."

New Car Smell, Gone

2007-04-15T00:44:52Z

(Baghdad, Iraq) Shiite Muslim Amir Yousef spent 15 years of his adult life saving for a car. He often worked up to two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve extra jobs until the day he had enough money and bought a brand new used car. "It was practically new. It only had 10 miles on it," says Yousef holding a picture of him and the car during better times. "And it still had that new car smell. I loved that smell. I loved it so much that I used to eat all my meals in that car."

That was until yesterday, when the car became a victim of a Sunni bomb and the growing Iraqi civil war. "My new car smell is gone!" cried Yousef "Now I have nothing. My life is over!"

Some, like his cousin Mohammad, think Amir is being melodramatic. "It's just a car. He should consider himself lucky that he wasn't blown up. And anyway, the car was an old clunker. There was no new car smell."

"Forgive my cousin, he has the brain of a retarded monkey and knows not what he says," said Amir "That car's sweet delicate smell was like a little heaven, a little heaven for my nostrils. And I have to have it back. I want, no I demand that the American's bring it back! This civil war is their fault!"

"First of all there is no civil war just crazy death squads killing each other. Secondly, we'd love to help, but we don't re-create old new car smells," said US commander General George Casey "The best we can do is give him a new car with a new new car smell."

"Not good enough," said a defiant Amir "I want my old new car smell or I will become radicalized, chant the Koran and become a suicide bomber. This is, by the way, how terrorists are made. So it's up to you Casey, a little old new car smell or a bomb up your ass! Email me and let me know."

The story ends there because Amir has suddenly vanished without a trace, and as far as we know General Casey's ass is just fine.

149 Die Celebrating Saddam's Death Sentence For Killing 148

2007-04-15T00:42:20Z

(Baghdad, Iraq) Yesterday former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein and his former associates were sentenced to death by hanging after being convicted for the 1982 killings of 148 Shiites.

In a wave of celebration, some of the surviving Shiites took to Baghdad's streets and fired several hundred guns into the air in order to show their excitement. But two minutes later, tragedy struck, when 149 people were killed as the bullets fell back to Earth.

The families of the victims were outraged and immediately assigned the blame. "This is all Saddam's fault," said celebrator and AK-47 owner Abu Hamza " If he hadn't killed my people in 1982, angered the world, started and lost a war in 91, bluffed about having nuclear weapons, been overthrown by the Americans, been put on trial and found guilty, then my brothers and I would had never fired our guns into the air in celebration and those 149 people would still be alive."

"Yes, Abu is right," said fellow AK-47 owner Ruz al-Jubouri "Saddam just never learns. It's like he has zero respect for human life or a drop of common sense."

But some American soldiers have said that maybe it wasn't such a common sensical idea to fire the guns in the first place. "It's a gravity thing," said an unidentified U.S. soldier "What goes up, must come down."

Hamza doesn't see it that way. He thinks it's disgusting to try and shift the blame onto his culture. "You know, this never would have happened, we never would have fired our guns into the air, if your guys hadn't invaded our country, put Saddam on trial and convicted him. So this is your fault, U.S. soldiers."

When we reminded Hamza that he previously said that Saddam was to blame, he blamed us, saying that if the media didn't report the 1982 killings, the invasion of Kuwait, the standoff with weapons inspectors, the war, the occupation, the arrest and conviction of Saddam, then they never would have fired their guns into the air. When we suggested that that answer made no sense, Hamza fired his gun into the air. We ran like hell to safety, but 10 more people died, when those bullets came back down. Now Hamza and his buddies are saying that Saddam, the U.S. Army, and the media should be on the hook for those 10 people.

In order to prevent any more celebratory deaths, the U.S. Army is encouraging the Shiites to celebrate the American way, by just burning cars.