(Moscow, Russia) Anyone who can read a newspaper knows that the American economy is on the brink of a recession. But not to worry, other nations around the world are already extending a helping hand.

England is offering future out of work Americans the best dental care they have to offer. France is offering to change the name of pommes-frites to freedom-frites. But the biggest gesture has come from an old enemy: Russia.

President Vladimir Putin said that his government would immediately lower the prices on its famous Kalashnikov assault rifle or AK-47 to 20 dollars per unit. “We just want every American to know that when things get tough, the government of Russia will be there in case you might need an affordable gun, for some reason.”

When asked why out of work Americans would need a gun, much less an assault rifle, Putin shrugged and said, “Maybe the poor Americans will think of one reason or one thousand nine hundred seventeen revolutions, I mean reasons. I don’t know. It’s not up to me.”

President Bush has laughed off Putin’s offer. “Why the heck would anyone need one thousand nine hundred and seventeen reasons to get a gun? 1917? That makes no darn sense. When I was a kid I only needed one reason: varmits.”

Members of Congress have flatly rejecting Russia’s offer. “I’m here to say that this country does not need or want Russia’s cheap guns,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We already have plenty of U. S. made guns here. You need one? Just go to Detroit.”

Putin thinks that Congress is overreacting. “I think that Czar Bush needs to have a sit down with. Did I say Czar? I’m sorry, I mean that President Bush needs to have a sit down with Congress. It is a very dangerous world and everyone knows that the best friend of an unemployed male between the ages of 16 and 34, whether that is in America or not, is an AK-47…By the way, when paying for your new gun, you better send cash or use your VISA, because we don’t take American Express.”

(Palm Beach, FL) Taking a break from his taking a break, God, The Almighty, held a short press conference over the weekend where he apologized to the world for the whole Muslim/Islam 'thing'.  

"Look, this isn't easy for me to say, but I made a goof, a blunder, a mistake," said the mighty Creator.  "Honestly, I never thought Islam would, 1) last this long and 2) cause as much trouble as it has. It was just supposed to be a hundred year fad, a way for the Arabs to have their own empire for a little while. Though you might not realize it, because none of you think history is important enough to learn, I've tried to spread the world's empires...around the world. But I digress. Really, I just wanted to say I was sorry. Thanks."

Reactions from religious and political leaders around the world are pouring in.

"I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT!" said Pope Benedict XVI. "I knew they were all full of...you know what."

"This is a lie. A lie perpetrated by the American swine propaganda machine," said Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. "Allah would never, ever disown us or be caught dead in Palm Beach."

"Well, that wasn't Allah talking buddy," said U.S. President George W. Bush. "That was the Lord your God, Jesus H. Christ, and you better listen."

The world's Muslims are not listening to President Bush; they are uniting in their rejection of what they see as the Western God's apology. They're claiming that they are the one true religion of peace and prosperity and vow to kill every non-Muslim to prove it. But it's a certainty that the non-Muslims will fight back. Now again, the world seems to be inching towards another World War. Is this what God really wanted?

"Are you stupid?" asked God, earlier today from his cell phone. "Does anybody remember a little thing called The Ten Commandments? Thou Shall Not Kill? That applies to everyone. As does The Golden Rule and any other time I've basically said, Live And Let Live....Man, I told Mohammed that his religion would not be compatible with the 21st Century. But maybe it wasn't just his religion; maybe it's the whole religion thing that's the real problem... I don't know. Do I really need to be worshipped?.....Maybe I should try something different with my second planet....So let me revise my apology. I not only apologize for the Muslim thing, but for all the religious stuff and everything else that I goofed on. I promise to try better this time and next time. But in my defense, it's not easy to create and run a planet. It isn't like there's a manual to follow...Maybe I should write one...Anyway, I'm about to go through a canyon, so thanks for listening...I feel so much better."

(Shithole mountain town in Pakistan) Over the weekend the most wanted man in the world, Osama Bin Laden, reached out to the western press.

Bin Laden sat down with Fox News Channel’s Sean Hannity to give his first interview in years. Visibly exhausted, Osama said that the result of the Iowa caucus had forced him to speak out.

“Look, I don’t really care who you devils elect, just as long as it’s not Senator Barack Obama.  Because I can't take being called Obama Bin Laden for the next four to eight years....I mean it's already happening! And do you realize how insulting that is to me?…Here I go through the trouble of trying to kill every single one of you American infidels,  just so that I can be confused with your future infidel leader!...It is depressing.”

Hannity said that he felt for Osama. “Here’s a guy that’s killed over 3000 of my fellow citizens, a guy I’d love to kill with my strong Irish hands. But he had a point. I wouldn’t want to be called Obama either.”

Osama’s closest friends say the Obama thing has really started to take its toll on Osama. “He doesn’t laugh anymore,” said Massoud Al-Hari, Bin Laden’s childhood friend. “Take yesterday. We stoned a young girl for showing her knee to her uncle. Normally it’s a real yuck fest, but Osama didn’t yuck once.”

“I’m afraid he might do something crazy,” said Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama’s number two man.

Osama insisted to Hannity that he would not do anything crazy, like strap a bomb to himself. In fact, he said that he had a peaceful solution to the Obama crisis. “All Obama has to do is change his name to something more demonesque like Jones, White or Goldberg, and I’ll stop killing civilians for a year. But if I continue to be called Obama, all bets are off.”

Senator Obama immediately refused to change his name, saying that he will not negotiate with terrorists, but Sean Hannity thinks he’s wrong. “This is a chance to do something positive. So for the good of our country, I urge Obama to not only change his name but also pull out of the presidential race.”

Though it hurt them to admit it, both Hillary Clinton and John Edwards, said that Sean Hannity might be onto something.

(New Orleans, LA) It seems that the Christian right keeps getting the shaft. First, President George W. Bush wined and dined them only say he had a headache, then they were hit by the Ralph Reed (gayish fraud) and Ted Haggard (gayish gay) scandals, and now it seems their dream of seeing the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will remain just a dream.

Yesterday, three years and four days before the end was to come, God signed an agreement with Satan extending the Earth’s lease for another ten thousand years.

“I really had no choice,” said The Almighty. “Lu put down 20% and agreed to pay my insurance costs. In today’s market, it was a no-brainer.”

“This is really a good deal for both of us,” said the Devil. “The Big Guy needed the cash, and I just bought a new beach house in Malibu.”

The Christians, however, are livid. “This is a God sized pile of bullshit!” said Pat Roberston. “I’ve been saying the end is near for years. My whole life is based on this. I can’t be wrong. I won’t be wrong. I don’t accept this. I want my fucking Rapture, and I want it now!”

“How do you think I feel Pat?” asked Cliff Davis, creator of the bumper sticker In Case Of Rapture, This Car Will Be Empty. “I’ve got a million of these bumper stickers in the garage, and now they’re worthless. God Damn it!”

“Watch you tongue buddy,” said Yaweh. “I’m still you’re the Lord your God…Look people, this isn’t a bad thing. See the glass half-full for Christ’s sake.  I can say hat because he’s my Son.…Folks, the world is not going to end. You’re not going to die soon, unless you’re Pat. So live. Enjoy the Earth. I put of a lot of time and energy into it; plus with D’s money, I‘m going to fix up a lot of stuff (more Waffle Houses anyone?) We’ll get to the Second Coming and all that Revelations business in due time. Just enjoy what you’ve got, or I’ll bring back Jerry Falwell.”

(Baghdad, IRAQ) Ahmed al-Akbar is a man with several problems. The world has yet not converted to Islam, Americans, and the Muslim traitors who work with them, walk freely in Iraq, and his lucky bullet is scratched.

Two weeks ago, when al-Akbar and his Al Qaeda buddies were cleansing an area, Al-Akbar found a “bad” Muslim and shot him (with his lucky bullet) in the head. “Now usually my lucky bullet will pass right through a traitor’s head like a warm knife through butter, but this guy’s brain was like a rock, and it scratched my bullet. It’s ruined.”

Al-Akbar added that since that shooting, his luck has gone south. None of the bullets he’s fired from his Russian made AK-47 will shoot straight, and as a result he lost his Al Qaeda job. Now with nothing to lose al-Akbar is using the only weapon available to him…the Iraqi court system.

Ahmed is suing the family of the “bad” Muslim he shot, claiming that the man’s hard brain destroyed his bullet and livelihood. “I deserve to be compensated for the loss of my lucky bullet. I've got mouths to feed and infidels to kill,” said al-Akbar.

“I think he might have a case,” said celebrity attorney Mark Garragos. “No matter what you might think about a man’s job, however heinous it might be to you, it is against the law to prevent that man from making a living.”

“This suit is great news," said American President George Bush. "This is a sign that Iraq is truly embracing democracy. They’re finally getting it. When things don't go your way. Don't give up, take someone to court.”

“I agree with the President and would add that al-Akbar's suit is definitely a sign of things to come,” said American Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “And to show our support for the Iraqi court system, we’re sending a bible to every court to aid in the swearing in of witnesses.”

Secretary Rice might be right about al-Akbar’s suit being a sign. As of this morning, more than twenty lawsuits have been filed by Al Qaeda fighters against Muslim traitors for offenses ranging from the dulling of an ax to the stretching of a noose.

To Ahmed, the influx of new lawsuits is an Allah-send. “This means that Allah approves of my actions and the actions of my brothers. We will be victorious, or we will appeal.”