With U.S. Recession Looming, Russia Lowers AK-47 Prices

(Moscow, Russia) Anyone who can read a newspaper knows that the American economy is on the brink of a recession. But not to worry, other nations around the world are already extending a helping hand.

England is offering future out of work Americans the best dental care they have to offer. France is offering to change the name of pommes-frites to freedom-frites. But the biggest gesture has come from an old enemy: Russia.

President Vladimir Putin said that his government would immediately lower the prices on its famous Kalashnikov assault rifle or AK-47 to 20 dollars per unit. “We just want every American to know that when things get tough, the government of Russia will be there in case you might need an affordable gun, for some reason.”

When asked why out of work Americans would need a gun, much less an assault rifle, Putin shrugged and said, “Maybe the poor Americans will think of one reason or one thousand nine hundred seventeen revolutions, I mean reasons. I don’t know. It’s not up to me.”

President Bush has laughed off Putin’s offer. “Why the heck would anyone need one thousand nine hundred and seventeen reasons to get a gun? 1917? That makes no darn sense. When I was a kid I only needed one reason: varmits.”

Members of Congress have flatly rejecting Russia’s offer. “I’m here to say that this country does not need or want Russia’s cheap guns,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We already have plenty of U. S. made guns here. You need one? Just go to Detroit.”

Putin thinks that Congress is overreacting. “I think that Czar Bush needs to have a sit down with. Did I say Czar? I’m sorry, I mean that President Bush needs to have a sit down with Congress. It is a very dangerous world and everyone knows that the best friend of an unemployed male between the ages of 16 and 34, whether that is in America or not, is an AK-47…By the way, when paying for your new gun, you better send cash or use your VISA, because we don’t take American Express.”

God Angers Christian Right By Extending Earth’s Lease 10,000 Years

(New Orleans, LA) It seems that the Christian right keeps getting the shaft. First, President George W. Bush wined and dined them only say he had a headache, then they were hit by the Ralph Reed (gayish fraud) and Ted Haggard (gayish gay) scandals, and now it seems their dream of seeing the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will remain just a dream.

Yesterday, three years and four days before the end was to come, God signed an agreement with Satan extending the Earth’s lease for another ten thousand years.

“I really had no choice,” said The Almighty. “Lu put down 20% and agreed to pay my insurance costs. In today’s market, it was a no-brainer.”

“This is really a good deal for both of us,” said the Devil. “The Big Guy needed the cash, and I just bought a new beach house in Malibu.”

The Christians, however, are livid. “This is a God sized pile of bullshit!” said Pat Roberston. “I’ve been saying the end is near for years. My whole life is based on this. I can’t be wrong. I won’t be wrong. I don’t accept this. I want my fucking Rapture, and I want it now!”

“How do you think I feel Pat?” asked Cliff Davis, creator of the bumper sticker In Case Of Rapture, This Car Will Be Empty. “I’ve got a million of these bumper stickers in the garage, and now they’re worthless. God Damn it!”

“Watch you tongue buddy,” said Yaweh. “I’m still you’re the Lord your God…Look people, this isn’t a bad thing. See the glass half-full for Christ’s sake.  I can say hat because he’s my Son.…Folks, the world is not going to end. You’re not going to die soon, unless you’re Pat. So live. Enjoy the Earth. I put of a lot of time and energy into it; plus with D’s money, I‘m going to fix up a lot of stuff (more Waffle Houses anyone?) We’ll get to the Second Coming and all that Revelations business in due time. Just enjoy what you’ve got, or I’ll bring back Jerry Falwell.”

Kim Jong Il Wins 'Kim Jong Il Award' Again!

(Pyongyang, Democratic People's Republic of Korea) All of North Korea was abuzz last night as the Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Leader and God-King Kim Jong Il surprised everyone by winning the 2006 'Kim Jong Il' Award. This marked the 12th win in a row (out of the 12 years the award has been given) for the little Napoleon of the Far East.

Kim, dressed in a ruffled shirt and pastel tux, scampered to the stage and began to sing ROCKET MAN. After he finished the entire song, he decried that Rocket Man was his new name, and that he had written the song. Then he showed some choreographed emotion. "I don't know what to say, I really wasn't expecting to win again! I mean twelve years in a row? Who does that? Come on! I guess you really love me DPRK. You really love me!"

But do they? An anonymous staffer said in a hushed tone, "Love him? Yea, like three day old rice. This whole award ceremony is all a colossal, self-serving evening of bullshit." And as the T was hanging on his tongue, he was carted away and given the very important job (by none other that Rocket Man himself) of testing a new bulletproof helmet. (Unfortunately for the staffer, we were later told that the helmet still has a design problems. )

Rocket Man's 1st assistant, Munhwa Seok, while kissing a picture of Rocket Man, said, "Rocket Man's victory in this very competitive contest is spectacular. And because the Korean people honored him with such a victory, Rocket Man has given the staff an hour off and will turn on the nation's lights for one extra hour tonight. It's a very exciting time to be North Korean."

The local people agree, "Rocket Man deserves this award. He works very hard to keep this country number one. And tonight it was nice to have the extra light. I'm reading Rocket Man's biography. And I got to get to the part where he single-handedly defeated the Americans. What a Korean."

While the people of the PDRK are impressed with Rocket Man's win. The rest of the world is not. American President George W. Bush has this to say, "He's a crazy, power hungry man who cares nothing about democracy. And let's face it, winning the 'Kim Jong Il' Award is nothing to crow about. It's not like winning the "George W. Bush' Award that will premiere this fall. And guess who's going to win that gem. Go on, guess."

Bin Laden Announces "Al Qaeda Idol"!

(Some cave in Afghanistan) The very tall and feared terrorist Osama Bin Laden announced Monday that he will be holding auditions for a spin-off of the hit American show "American Idol".

The goal of this "Idol" is, in 12 weeks, find a replacement for recently deceased leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. And to use any funds from selling the show to fund worldwide operations.

Hundreds of eager insurgents from all over the map have already flooded the mountains of northern Afghanistan. And the rejections have already begun. Arul Dob-Komen, a young Pakistani, left the audition disappointed, "I was rejected because all I know how to do is land a plane. Now I'll have to go home ashamed, empty-handed and marry my fat cousin. Thanks a lot."  

22 year-old Faruiz-Hafeez has moved on to the second round. "It was touch and go for a moment. I was doing great in the beheading demo, then I dropped a wire during my explosive-assembly bit, but I made up for it when I mimed a hijacking."  

Even though winning would mean eternal fame in the Islamists circles, some contestants are wary. "If I ended up winning this thing, that would mean that I couldn't blow myself up, since I will be leading the missions," said 25 year-old Yemi Sharzeh "And I have been dreaming about wearing that belt since I was a young boy. It's a pickle."  

Not surprisingly FOX network executives have threatened legal action against Bin Laden, unless he shares the profits and lets Simon Cowell be a judge. To Simon working with a murderer would not be a problem. "Some emotional stability would be nice for a change," said Cowell "And if Osama thinks he can push me around, let me say that I grew up in South London."

As one would expect, the CIA and the rest of the American government is shocked that people from a TV network could find Bin Laden and they could not. In a televised address, CIA Director, General Michael V. Hayden said, "We fucking give up. Good luck." But President Bush is not giving up. He wants the show canceled. "If we can't find him, at least we can cancel his TV show. That'll show'em."

Osama couldn't be reached for comment, but his spokesman said in a letter delivered by an albino, "Mr. Bin Laden is considering all options. He still wants to destroy America (after the DVD sales for Season 1 are in) and agrees South London is a tough place to grow up."

Newly Discovered 3rd Sect Of Islam Keeping Their Damn Trap Shut

(Riyadh, Saudi Arabia) A stunning discovery has rocked not only the Islamic world, but also the entire planet. Members of an unknown 3rd sect of Islam, called the Susees, were found living in a small village in southern Saudi Arabia.

"This is amazing. This opens up the debate on who really holds the mantle of Islam handed down from the Prophet," said Ibrahim Al-Saad, professor of Islamic Studies at New York University "I can't wait to interview these people and find out what has happened to them all these years."

"I'll tell you what's been happening all these years, we've been living in peace," said an anonymous Susee leader "We haven't been chopping the heads off our enemies, and we haven't had our heads chopped off. And we like it that way. So leave us alone."

But the Islamic world can't do that. Both Shia and Sunni leaders from the Middle East are thrilled that there's a new player in the Muslim game.

"With the help of the Susees, we will crush the Shia Crescent before it emerges," said a spokesman for Saudi leader King Abdullah.

"My friend has it all wrong," countered Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "The Shia and Susees will come together and establish a world wide Shia Crescent, finally drowning the Sunni and the West's influence."

So which side will the Susees pick?

"We reserve the right to keep our damn trap shut," said the anonymous Susee leader "and our location secret. So again, please scram."

"It seems that the Susees just want to sit on the sidelines and let the Shia and Sunni fight it out," said Professor Al-Saad "That's a very shrewd position, but I don't think the world is going to let the Susees sit by and do nothing."

Which is why the Susees are moving. "What did I say? We like peace, and there is no peace in their Islam," said the Susie leader over the phone "So now we're going underground. I hope you're happy, a-hole." Then the phone went dead, and the Susees were gone.  

In a strange twist, the Shia and Sunni are not blaming each other or their faith for the loss of their Islamic brethren, but the United States of America. "What the shit else is new?" asked a tired President George W. Bush "Hell, I can't catch a break with these people."