War Chesthttp://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/en-US2010-08-01T05:47:16ZSquarespace Site Server v5.11.5 (http://www.squarespace.com/)I Love My Butterface!http://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/11/29/i-love-my-butterface.htmlChris2007-11-29T15:51:46ZThis note was written on April 5, 1873 by Lyn Greenfeld to her friend Prudence Forrester.

Dear Prudence,

I told you that I would write, and I am. You already now what this letter is about, but I truly need your help to open a girl's school for the facially challenged. It's imperative that the next generation of uglies have the head start I never did. In today's world, they'll need to be prepared and willing to stand up and say, "I love my butterface!"

]]>Thanksgiving Is Coming? Great, I Can't Wait To Spend It, All The Way Out Here, In The Middle Of Nowhere...Alone...Againhttp://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/11/21/thanksgiving-is-coming-great-i-cant-wait-to-spend-it-all-the.htmlChris2007-11-21T15:41:05ZThis is a letter Henry David Thoreau sent to his Aunt in November of 1846. At that time Thoreau was living alone on Walden Pond, which was 1.5 miles away from his family home.

November 5, 1846

Dearest Aunt,

I want to thank you for your letter reminding me that Thanksgiving is fast approaching. It's funny that your letter was dated November 4th. I find it hard to believe that it found its way to my remote location so quickly.

]]>If Only I Were Tallerhttp://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/11/15/if-only-i-were-taller.htmlChris2007-11-15T15:37:54ZThe following is an unpublished letter written by Jefferson Davis, former President of the Confederate States of America.

May 10, 1865

Dear Friend,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I am a loser, a bum, a good-for-nothing, a pile of horse dung. I was close, so close to making a new nation, so close to success. I had it. I had it within my grasp, but I let it slip away. And now it is gone, gone forever.

]]>You Call That A Genocide? I'll Show You A Genocide.http://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/11/12/you-call-that-a-genocide-ill-show-you-a-genocide.htmlChris2007-11-12T15:32:01ZThe following is a letter written by Joseph Stalin to Nazi Reichsmarschall Hermann Goering in March of 1946.

Reichsmarschall Goering,

How's prison life? Making any friends? Have you seen the latest Bogart picture? Forgive my poking fun at your position or don't. I don't care. This is not a friendly letter. No, I've got a few bones to pick with you Reichsmarschall.

]]>If We Free The Slaves, Who Will Do The Work That Americans Don’t Want To Do?http://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/9/4/if-we-free-the-slaves-who-will-do-the-work-that-americans-do.htmlChris2007-09-04T15:17:06Z

Alexander Martin, Governor of North Carolina and Delegate to the Constitutional Convention

This is a speech given by Governor Martin to the Constitutional Convention on September 7th, 1787.

My dear gentleman, as we come close to completing this document and laying the foundation to the greatest experiment in human history. I pray that we table a discussion of slavery and move on.]]>Here I Am English, Come Get A Taste!http://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/here-i-am-english-come-get-a-taste.htmlChris2007-08-30T14:30:37ZKID O'HALLORAN

This editorial appeared in the London Times during February of 1902.

(Dublin, Ireland) Let's get right to it shall we? If you stinking limey bastards plan to keep poisoning our good Irish minds with your Catholic witchcraft, your crappy Queen and your bland tasteless food, then you're going to have to answer to me, Kid O'Hallaron, The Great Potato Masher. Yeah that's right, I'm not a myth used to scare your stupid wanker children. I'm the real McCoy!

And today, I'm announcing my intention to wipe up the street with you chinless wonders.

]]>We Strongly Suggest You Buy A Paperhttp://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/8/13/we-strongly-suggest-you-buy-a-paper.htmlChris2007-08-13T14:44:45Z

This is an eyewitness account from 1921.

(Washington D.C.) Hey buddy, where are you going? Yea, we're talking to you. Come over here and buy the latest edition. Oh, you've already got it? Well take this anyway you want four-eyes, but we strongly suggest that you buy a paper.]]>Rejoice! The Utopia Of Tomorrow Is Here!http://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/rejoice-the-utopia-of-tomorrow-is-here.htmlChris2007-08-03T15:20:08ZWilliam Exxon

December 24, 1909

(Dallas, TX) Are you looking for the Utopia of tomorrow? Well friend, look for further because I say it has found us, today! Are you listening pal? The Utopia of tomorrow is here! And it's name is OIL!

]]>I Can Assure You, I Did Not Take One Drop Of Dandy Jim's Muscle Tonichttp://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/7/27/i-can-assure-you-i-did-not-take-one-drop-of-dandy-jims-muscl.htmlChris2007-07-27T15:13:50ZEd O'Brien-1918

(Chicago, IL) Well, it's a sad day here in Chicago. I feel I'm being set up as the fall guy. So I'm here to set the record straight. I, Ed O'Brien, am on the level. Now it's true that I'm hitting more home runs, running faster, and that I weigh 50 pounds more than last season, but it's all on the up and up.

Get this down for your rags.

]]>Shakespeare to Remake BEOWULF!http://www.thelostnews.com/war-chest/2007/7/27/shakespeare-to-remake-beowulf.htmlChris2007-07-27T15:07:50Z

(Stratford on the Avon, England) In a surprising move William Shakespeare, author of such hits as OTHELLO, MACBETH and ROMEO & JULIET, has declared that his next project will be a remake of the classic Saxton drama, BEOWULF.

Shakespeare said his version of BEOWULF, will be more of a re-imagining than a straight remake.

For those who were not able to go to school, because of serfdom, indentured servitude or plague, BEOWULF is a 'David & Goliath' tale. A giant wolf like creature is terrorizing a humble town, until a young hero, Beowulf, decides that enough is enough.]]>