I Can Assure You, I Did Not Take One Drop Of Dandy Jim's Muscle Tonic

Ed O'Brien-1918

(Chicago, IL) Well, it's a sad day here in Chicago. I feel I'm being set up as the fall guy. So I'm here to set the record straight. I, Ed O'Brien, am on the level. Now it's true that I'm hitting more home runs, running faster, and that I weigh 50 pounds more than last season, but it's all on the up and up.

Get this down for your rags.

I can assure you, I did not take one drop of Dandy Jim's Muscle Tonic! That's right, I said it. And I challenge any man to say I'm all wet. Come on fellas, you know I shouldn't even be talking to you. I play for the Chicago White Sox, as honest a team as you will find in all of baseball, if not the world. But I've heard the rumors that I'm showing the side effects of Dandy Jim's Tonic, so I'm going to sink those rumors one by one.

First: I'm going bald.

It's true that I may have a little less of a mop than last year. But, it's my pop's fault. Hey, we all know that if your pop is bald, then you're going to be bald. But, I still got more hair than most of you fellas. And really I don't mind. I'm saving some dough on haircuts. Tell me, who doesn't like saving dough?

Second: I got all these doohickeys on my face.

Again I blame my family. My Uncle Pat's face is so red because of the zits that most people think he's an Injun. Once, while on the way to Comiskey, he was presented with actual peace pipe. No lie. Look, I hope I'm getting the point across that me and Dandy Jim's Muscle Tonic are not and have never been pals. And those 10 bottles you found in my garbage, were put there by sinister forces, like The New York Yankees.

Third rumor: I'm looking a little yella lately.

This might be a bit of a bombshell, but I'm part Chinese. My grandmother fell in love with a Chink when she worked on the railroads. I'm sad to say that I was ashamed of that history, but not anymore. I stand here proud to be part Chop Stick.

Fourth: It looks like I'm growing great big knockers.

These are all muscle my friends. It's called a healthy life of weightlifting and eating steaks. The fact that you think they're boobs, makes me thinks you boys should get out more.

Lastly: It seems that I appear to be more aggressive.

Who wants to fight me to the death? Just joking. Hey, aggression is good. It helps me play and knocks those balls out of the park. And I can't be responsible if every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to pick a fight with me. I mean, that Red Sox fan last week was calling me a coward. And even though it was with his mind, I still have a right to defend my honor. Am I right or am I right?

Now I might just be a dumb and completely lawful ball player, but it seems that we can put to bed all these Dandy Jim rumors. So, no more stories about it, okay? Say okay or I'll rip off your arms. Good. Hey, you boys have a golden day.