Do It Again, I F*cking Dare You!

The Man in the Moon

The following is a New York Times Times Op-Ed from April 7, 1902.

(New York, NY) Congratulations. I'm impressed, really. And I'm not easily impressed. This is quite the accomplishment. You should really be proud. Go ahead, give yourselves a pat on the back. Have a cold one. You deserve it. I can only imagine all the hard work and thought that went into this. It must've been a bear to figure out the engineering, which materials to use and how much propulsion you would need to break through the Earth's gravity and send a huge rocket into my F*CKING eye!

I don't mean to be rude, but by chance did you geniuses make a pair of giant tweezers when you made the rocket? Didn't think of that one huh? Let me ask you another one. Did you ever hear of the Man in the Moon? I'm kind of famous. But I guess it's possible that you've never heard of me or you thought I was just a story, because I don't think that you nice people would purposely drive a ten ton piece of metal into my face. No, of course you wouldn't, because you're human beings, you were made by God's hand. You're special. You wouldn't just do something and not think of the consequences, no not you.

But let me clear about something. If you very smart and sophisticated people do this again, there will f*cking consequences!

Take this for what it's worth, but I will end you! Do you understand me? And if you think this is an empty threat, that I don't have any follow through, go ahead and ask Venus. Oh yea, you can't, because it's a DEAD planet! Get me?

Why did you do this? Wasn't I good to you? Don't I help with you with the tides and provide you light during the dark night? This, meaning the giant piece of steel you slammed into my cornea, is not the way I would treat a friend, but I guess we're not really friends, are we? And that's fine. I can deal.

But what I won't do is tolerate any more disrespect. And if you think I'm just joking, do it again, I f*cking dare you!