Cheyenne, Wyoming 1962

Now we all know why we're here in college, to learn how to become a productive citizen of this country. Just kidding! It's a time to experiment, sow those wild oats, abuse yourself and your manhood. Most of the fairer sex understand and oblige us in our quest. But there's always one (Raquel Z.) that won't give that very nice political science major with crooked smile, the time of day. And why? Because she's top shelf, reserved for Championship quarterbacks and Pulitzer Prize winning professors. But do not fret. I can get you on the top shelf. You see, I believe in the trickle up theory of sex. What? You've never heard of it? Don't worry after you do, you'll swear off Jesus and swear to Dick, Cheney that is.

It's a simple 5-step plan.

Step 1: Gloria.

This Monday, comb your classes for the ugliest girl you can find. Tip, she's usually a feminist who thinks women should be judged on their brains, blah, blah, blah. We'll call her Gloria. Approach Gloria agreeing with whatever dumb thing she said in class. Let her motor run, then ask her out. Now, since she's never been asked out, she may not know what to do. Say that she's smart and attractive, but do not say beautiful. She may be needy, but remember she's a reader.

On the date, show Gloria the best night of her life. She should give it up that night. If not, it'll take 3 dates tops. During the act, make sure she finishes first.(Actually this is a good rule to adhere until marriage.) Give Gloria something to talk about. Because let me tell you, she'll tell anybody who will listen. Soon, you might notice a few girls on campus looking at you. And if they're better looking than Gloria, but not as good looking as the girl next door, you're ready for step 2.  

Step 2: Denise.

A few words about a Denise, she's not a virgin. She's had a few (3 max) partners, probably her older brother's friends. And because she's had a taste, she wants it bad. And if someone's giving it to Gloria, then someone should be giving it to her. So, after a class, ask for her notes saying your pen ran out of ink. Now, there's no dinner needed here. All you have to do is get her alone. Beware, she may ask about Gloria. Say she's a great girl, but not your girlfriend. Denise should then ask you to study in her room. (The trap is set.) All you have to do is pull the trigger. (Remember the finishing rule.) A note, if you think there will be more girls looking at you right away, let me tell you something. Denise doesn't talk. Girls at this level are smart enough to know that a guy like you doesn't come around that often. You'll have to make the Earth move for Denise several times for her to tell someone. But once you see the 'girls next door' looking at you, it's time for step 3.

Step 3: Christy.

This step is where most fail. You think you're pretty cool because you've got some girls checking you out. Remember that Raquel doesn't even know you exist. So stay humble and stay hungry. Christy's are tricky. They're smart, pretty and usually the Christian girls who want to save themselves for marriage.

We don't have time for that. Fortunately Christy's like parties and Halloween is near. Avoiding Gloria and Denise, ask Christy to a costume party. Pick a costume for the both of you, something Disney. Girls at this level really like a sense of humor, but be witty not crude. At the party, it's important to drink and dance a lot, so that after the party, you can offer to massage her sore feet and legs. Also find a way to take off your shirt. (After doing 30 push-ups in the other room of course!) With her defenses down you should be able to take the team over the goal-line.

Like Gloria, Christy will talk, but she'll want you to meet her family. Under no circumstances are you to do that! This is where you will have to be creative. You must stay with Christy and away from her family until the Runner-Up notices you. Once she does, you're ready for Step 4.

Step 4: Sara.

You're close, very close once the Runner-Up has you on her radar. Let me explain who the Runner-Up is (Sara is her name). She's very pretty. In fact she's prettier than everyone on campus, except Raquel, who happens to be her best friend. Now, I know what you're saying. 'Dick, why can't I just go for Sara from the start?' Because even though Sara is the Runner-Up, you cannot approach her without some street cred.

But do not approach Sara at all. Act aloof until she approaches you. When this happens, you're home free. You see Sara's don't waste time. Again, remember the finishing rule! In fact take Sara away for a weekend for a clinic in the erotic arts.

This is a great time in the process. Enjoy it. You'll be the prince of the campus. WARNING! Some guys get to this level and stop. They think 'hey this Sara's great. I could love her!' Don't even let the L word cross your mind. You can't love a Sara, because Sara only loves Sara. Remember the Brass Oat.

Since it's around Christmas. Sara and Raquel will be chairing the campus Christmas Party. Volunteer for Raquel's committee. Work hard, but make sure to take Sara to the party. (Make sure Raquel sees Sara having fun) Late that night or after the party, find a moment to be alone with Raquel. There'll be a kiss, but stop there. Talk about not wanting to hurt Sara, then leave. The next morning you should get a call or a visit from Raquel. She'll say that she can't stop thinking about you and that Sara never has to know. Now, you're ready for step 5.

Step 5: Raquel.

Congratulations, if you've made it! You are the new king! If you're not unfastening the buttons to a little slice of Heaven, you will be very soon. Do everything you've ever wanted to do, believe me she'll comply. Take some pictures, do something to remember the moment. Remember to use your camera and for God's sake keep the negatives. In fact, never even let Raquel see the pictures, tell her they didn't come out. These negatives may prove to be valuable later in your good Christian life.

Epilogue: The Next Game.

So stud, you've had your fun, but it's time to move on. I know, I know, 'I just got here!' is what you're saying. But like any victory, once you win, the game is over. And it's time to prepare for the next game. And the next game does not involve Raquel. She's only an oat.

So in time for Christmas day, break it off with Raquel and go back to Christy, loaded with flowers and gifts. Spend the holidays with her and her family and in the spring buy an engagement ring. 'Why, how?' Well, the next game is a career in politics and you'll need a partner like Christy. Of course she'll know about Sara and Raquel, but she won't care. She understands that men have needs. And as long as she's the wife with the house and the kids (She'll be an excellent mother), she'll let you do whatever you want. Also, if you have a daughter Christy will help make damn sure that she will never have sex with a man like you or any man for that matter...Good-bye and good luck.