Billy Van, The Monologue Comedian

This is an op-ed that appeared in the New York Times on June 1, 1897.

Ladies and gentleman, our beloved culture is in serious trouble. And the danger does not come from the great Prussian Empire, the Ottomans, the Mexicans or the Russian Czar. It comes from within. And its insidious goal is to destroy the American family, the cornerstone of our society.

Of course I'm talking about the vulgar hooligans who disgrace the theater stages across this country. Now as many of you must know, my show, Big Minstrel Jubilee, is a family show that explores the differences between us and the coloreds. And where I use a song and a dance to make comedic musings, my younger and less refined comrades use foul language and gestures. Their disrespect for the public knows no bounds!

There is one so-called comedian, Jack Spatts, who says the word hell, multiple times, and speaks about touching single women in an improper manner! The public need not be exposed to that kind of trash. I have some advice for you Mr. Spatts...learn my Watermelon song.

There is no need for Jack Spatts or other comedians to play down to the lowest common denominator. Art, and that is what we're trying to create here, is supposed to aim for a higher place, to enlighten the audience and society. Why not a day goes by, where some child or parent doesn't walk up to me and say how my song, I Sure Can Dance Masta!, changed their lives for the better.

Now if you're one of these obscene artists polluting the stage, don't try and defend yourself by talking about the pressure to find and keep an audience. I know what that's like. I've been doing it clean for over 15 years!

Finally, don't buckle to the fickle winds of change my friends. Keep it nice and keep it smart. The people will find you! And when they do, you and this country will be the better for it.

Remember parents, if you want to treat your kids to some wholesome family fun, come on down to the Big Minstrel Jubilee this weekend and hear my new song, Chains, Cotton and The American Dream. If you can't make it, see me next time. Also don't forget to pick up the Times next week and read my new rant... What's The Deal With These Jim Crow Laws?