United States

For Man Named Logan, When Women Hit 30, He’s On The Run

Chris — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 14:53:49 +0000

(Glendale, CA) Spring, it’s a time when life is born anew, a time when love is in full bloom. But this year for Logan Harper it’s a time to end a love affair. For almost two hours, Logan has been searching for the right words to break-up with his girlfriend of two years, Sara.

“I got it,” said Harper, while trolling MATCH.COM for a new lover. “Sara, you’re turning 30, so you gotta go….Logan’s done.”

Apple Unveils The "iDR" In Time For Holidays

Chris — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 02:29:26 +0000

(Cupertino, CA) As a kid, did you dream of being a doctor, but thought it was too hard or only possible for smart people? Well now your dream may come true. Because according to Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs, it is no longer necessary to spend the eight plus years in medical school and post-graduate programs in order to become a doctor. "Now you can do it in just seconds. Thanks to our latest marvel, the iDR," said Jobs during the iDR unveiling this morning.

"This device will let people make a self-diagnosis, order tests and prescribe medications (from Canadian pharmacies) all while downloading their favorite music, TV shows and movies," added Jobs

Waitress Insists Mime Job Is Just Temporary

Chris — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 17:59:10 +0000

(Burbank, CA) Growing up during the cold winters of Lincoln, Nebraska Ronnie Westburg kept warm by clinging to her dream. A dream that would take her out West to the adopted home of Bob Hope, where she could pursue her life's work of serving good people quality food at competitive prices.

Ronnie moved to Burbank 18 months ago. But after two months of not being able to find the right family style restaurant, she took the only job she could find, as a mime performing at charity events.

I'm Glad I'm Old, Cause You're F*cked

Chris — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 01:23:32 +0000

(Cleveland, OH) On his 73rd birthday Grandfather Godfrey 'Gramps' Reynolds told his two sons, six grandchildren and anyone who would listen that he doesn't mind getting old, in fact he's glad he's old. "It's a shitty world that just gets shittier by the second," said Gramps "And with all those crazy Arabs running around, I wouldn't want to grow up or raise a family now, because you young people are fucked."

Man Fired For 'Thinking' About Co-Worker In Bikini

Chris — Tue, 29 May 2007 16:24:42 +0000

(St. Paul, MN) 32 year-old Martin Jenner is just like most American men. He likes football, beer and girls. But it's that attraction to the fairer sex that has turned Jenner's world upside down.

Two weeks ago Friday, Jenner was planning his weekend around the Vikings game when a pink slip, saying that he was being fired from his customer service job at the Phillips Paint Company, was dropped into his IN box. "Fired for what, I asked," said Jenner. The answer was sexual harassment. It seems that Jenner, during a company wide meeting on Thursday afternoon, had thought about what a female co-worker, named Amy Smith, would look like in a bikini.

Wife's Will To Live, A Little Annoying

Chris — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 16:44:13 +0000

(Little Rock, AK) Retired dentist Gary Wilson loves his wife of thirty years, Linda. She helped him through dental school, gave him two beautiful daughters; and over their life together, she's been there for him. So when Linda was diagnosed with lung cancer, Gary was glad to for the opportunity to be there for her. But after 8 years of countless procedures, surgeries and treatments, Gary's view has changed.

"She's my sweetheart and I admire her strong will. It's one of the things that attracted me to her, but now it's starting to get a little annoying," said Gary while folding laundry in his studio apartment "We used to have a big house, a big 401k and a big lake house; but thanks to 'you know who's' medical bills, they're all gone. All I have left is my Cadillac. Don't get me wrong. I still love Linda, but I also loved that lake house. I worked an extra job for ten years to pay for it."

Dramatic Farewell Ill-Planned

Chris — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 05:01:15 +0000

(Cleveland, OH) Last Sunday afternoon Jessica Kimack was set to return home to Chicago from Cleveland after a long visit with her boyfriend Mike Smith. But in a fit of forced passion, she made the rash decision to leap from the discount Megabus $1 bus line and return to the arms of a very startled Mike.

In the hopes of creating a magic moment between her and Mike, Jessica waited until the bus had been put into drive, and with her eyes locked magically with his, dramatically shouted to the bus driver to, “Stop the bus!”

Man Gets Ass Handed To Him By Lupus

Chris — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 23:51:30 +0000

(Canyon City, OR) Last night in Canyon City, town leader and legendary lumberjack Jim Falbrook, 55, passed away after losing his battle with Lupus, the chronic autoimmune disease in which the immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal tissue. But upon further investigation we found that Jim didn't just lose to Lupus, he had his ass handed to him.

Falbrook was diagnosed with Lupus in 2001, and at the beginning the disease wasn't very problematic. "Jimmy only had some minor fatigue and skin rashes. He remained virtually symptom free for the first 4 years," said Jim's widow Cynthia. "But after his first seizure this past Easter, Lupus turned the tables and began schooling my husband."

Canyon City Sheriff and childhood friend of Falbrook, Walter Hounan, shared his thoughts. "I thought Jim had the advantage - heck, he fought that Lupus every day! He was so confident that he was winning, but then came that day in July when the poor bastard lost all of his hair within 15 minutes! From then on it was pretty clear that Lupus was kicking ass and taking names."

Before Jim's symptoms escalated even further, he tried to win his 10th consecutive Lumberjack World Championship. "God damn that Lupus! Jim was a role model for us all," cried fellow lumberjacking competitor Buck Weston. "No one e'er did better at the ax throw, the single buck and the underhand block chop than Jim-Jam. But I should've known this day was coming. Especially, when during the 90-foot open climb his kidney failed, and he fell like a sack of buckwheat onto a hot saw. I didn't see it then, but it was clear that Jim was gettin' molly-whooped by Lupus."

Terri Owen, who founded the National Lupus Organization after her own mother died of a Lupus-related infection, met with Falbrook in August. "In my 15 years of working with Lupus patients, I never saw a case this brutal. I mean, there's no other way to say it, but Mr. Falbrook got served."

Ron Davis, an orderly at Falling Timbers Hospice, where Falbrook spent his last days, was sad to see him go, but glad to see the unholy punishment end, "Jim tried to fight man, but that Lupus was like Muhammed Ali on roids. And before he knew what was going on, Jim went down for the count."

Fred Wuhrler, Mayor of Canyon City, vows to honor Falbrook's memory. "I ordered a big bronze statue of Jim log-rolling like the man he was, and we're going to put that in our community park to show everyone that Jim Falbrook was a legend in this town and not the hairless, shaking, bed-wetting son-of-a-bitch that got kicked to the curb by Lupus."

Coiner Of Phrase "Commit Random Acts Of Kindness And Senseless Acts Of Beauty" Killed In Calculated Massacre

Chris — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 23:48:55 +0000

(Missoula, MT) 53 year-old philosopher and Missoula native Steve Bardon will always be remembered and admired for his inspiring catch phrase, Commit Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty. A catch phrase that has, no doubt, graced the bumpers of thousands and thousands of cars.

Sadly, Bardon, who disappeared in August after a shift at the local Suicide Hotline, was found dead yesterday inside an abandoned barn.

"I don't get it. Steve was such a randomly sweet man," said Jeremy Koering, a long time friend of Bardon's. "I can't imagine anyone doing something so senseless as to hurt him."

"Oh, he just wasn't hurt," said Sheriff Reginald Tomlinson. "He was systematically tortured, killed and cut into 26 equal pieces. This wasn't a murder, it was a calculated massacre."

"Yea, I'd say the killer definitely took his time," said coroner Robert Ludhas. "The work is just flawless. It's too bad the guy is homicidal, because he'd make one hell of a surgeon."

Who would do such a thing?

The FBI has been brought in to determine just that, but they as of now, they have zero leads. "We're still overwhelmed by the crime scene," said FBI Special Agent Chuck Weston. "It's just so unrandom, it's silly."

If the FBI doesn't have a suspect, a few folks in Missoula do. "I'll bet you a million dollars, that it was that no good Scooter Caruthers," said Beverly Johnston, owner of Bev's Diner. "You see, Scooter and Steve were friends many years ago. But their friendship ended, when Steve starting selling his Random phrase. Scooter said the phrase was his, and that Steve had stolen it. Which is bullshit...They even went to court about it, and Steve won...So, I'll just bet you it was Scooter."

We found Scooter Caruthers living alone near Billings. He's a small man, who seems to hardly have the strength to kill a fly much less cut up a man into 26 equal pieces. He's also broke having poured all his money into the failed catch phrase, Commit Precise Acts of Revenge and Calculated Acts of Violence. Billings insisted that he's innocent of the massacre, but the FBI is skeptical.

"On the night in question, Mr. Caruthers claims he was in Pakistan doing business for the United States government," said Special Agent Weston. "So until that checks out, we're going to keep a keen eye on him."