United Stateshttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/en-US2010-08-01T05:52:03ZSquarespace Site Server v5.11.5 (http://www.squarespace.com/)Kid With Big Crank Uses Airport X-Ray Machine To Get The Girlhttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/4/18/kid-with-big-crank-uses-airport-x-ray-machine-to-get-the-gir.htmlChris2008-04-18T14:21:27Z

(Phoenix, AZ) High School sophomore and band member Hunter Casey, who plays the trumpet, has had a crush on fellow band member and flutist Rebecca Lyons for over a year. But because he's a shy kid and that Rebecca is always hanging out with the tuba player Toby McCalister, he's hasn't made an inch of headway. But over this past weekend, Casey made some giant strides.

What Rebecca or anyone didn't know was that earlier this year Hunter had been visited by the Crank Fairy. "When I first woke up and saw it, I knew it was special. I knew it was my calling card," said Casey. But what Hunter didn't know, was how to use it in order to be able to use it. ]]>Office Manager Bans The Exclamation Point!http://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/4/16/office-manager-bans-the-exclamation-point.htmlChris2008-04-16T15:07:57Z

(Denver, CO) Two weeks ago Terry Hilton, a stickler for punctuation and the office manager for the Denver based software company Cyber-Tablet, got an email that changed his life.

“It was a production update from our production manager Mindy,” said Terry becoming noticeably agitated. “It was very detailed. It was very clear. It was everything that it was supposed to be, except for the end where Mindy signed off, Thanks! And that’s where I lost it....]]>Kids Want Rainbow Backhttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/4/9/kids-want-rainbow-back.htmlChris2008-04-09T18:12:06Z

(Little Rock, AK) 8 year-old Stephanie Nesbitt and her 6 year-old brother Jimmy have had it. "We want the rainbow back!" said Stephanie protesting outside a local KIDS-R-US.

"The rainbow was not meant to be a symbol for homosexuals," said Nebbitt's attorney Bill Stanton. "It's for children. And we want G.L.A.A.D (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) to give it up."

]]>With One In Four Adolescent Girls Carrying STDs, Adolescent Boys Start Shagging Ugly Teachershttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/3/27/with-one-in-four-adolescent-girls-carrying-stds-adolescent-b.htmlChris2008-03-27T14:41:08Z

(Tampa, FL) A few weeks ago a study released by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) stated that 25 percent or one quarter of adolescent girls are carrying Sexually Transmitted Diseases. And of course those hardest hit by the news were adolescent boys.

“This blows,” said Gary M., a 16 year-old high school junior. “I just got my license, and I was looking forward to getting some. But now I don’t know which skank at my school is clean.]]>For Man Named Logan, When Women Hit 30, He’s On The Runhttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/3/20/for-man-named-logan-when-women-hit-30-hes-on-the-run.htmlChris2008-03-20T14:53:49Z

(Glendale, CA) Spring, it’s a time when life is born anew, a time when love is in full bloom. But this year for Logan Harper it’s a time to end a love affair. For almost two hours, Logan has been searching for the right words to break-up with his girlfriend of two years, Sara.

“I got it,” said Harper, while trolling MATCH.COM for a new lover. “Sara, you’re turning 30, so you gotta go….Logan’s done.”]]>After Losing 35 Pounds, Man Finds Wife More Worthy Of His Lovehttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/2/21/after-losing-35-pounds-man-finds-wife-more-worthy-of-his-lov.htmlChris2008-02-21T15:41:15Z

(Madison, WI) 36 year-old Danny Dennis has a new lease on life. “I love my wife again!” screamed Danny while buying some strawberry flavored condoms. “There’s something different about Donna, something better, something that I can’t exactly put my finger on, but whatever it is...I like it.”

Friends and family say that what Danny can’t put his finger on is that Donna has lost 35 pounds. “He’s in love with her flat stomach and tight buns,” said Donna’s sister Darla.

“No, no, no. I don’t think that’s it at all,”]]>U.S. Charges Khalid Shaikh Mohammed With Murder And $20 Million For Body Waxingshttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/2/11/us-charges-khalid-shaikh-mohammed-with-murder-and-20-million.htmlChris2008-02-11T21:03:17Z

(Washington D.C.) Today the Pentagon announced that 6 Gitmo detainees will be charged with murder in connection to the 9/11 attacks. One future defendant, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, will also be retroactively charged 20 million dollars for the body waxings he has received over the past four and a half years he's been in custody.

"We've used over ten tons of wax on this guy, and that wax ain't cheap," said Pentagon spokesman Colonel James Gray.

]]>U.S. Recession A 'Sure Thing' As D.C. Hookers Switch To Euroshttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2008/2/8/us-recession-a-sure-thing-as-dc-hookers-switch-to-euros.htmlChris2008-02-08T20:14:32Z

(Washington D.C.) It seems the Dollar has been THE standard currency on the planet for, forever, but like the consequence free drunk driving of the 1970’s and the inspiring stage shows of Winger, everything good must come to an end.

What does that mean to normal Americans? It means they are going to have to change the way they pay for a good Boston Pancake, because as of this weak hookers in Washington D. C. are only accepting Euros.]]>Satan Claus Goes Out On Limb To Wish Everyone A Very Un-Merry Christmashttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2007/12/17/satan-claus-goes-out-on-limb-to-wish-everyone-a-very-un-merr.htmlChris2007-12-17T15:49:14Z

(Cleveland, OH) From his two-bedroom apartment in Cleveland Ohio, the self-proclaimed Satan Claus has announced his wish that everyone have a very Un-Merry Christmas. "Get it," said Satan Claus, "I said Un-Merry, because Santa says Merry, and I'm the opposite of him. So I say Un-Merry. It's kind of my thing."

Satan Claus, whose real name is David Berkowitz,]]>New Study Finds That Rape Victims Were, In Fact, Not Asking For Ithttp://www.thelostnews.com/united-states/2007/12/12/new-study-finds-that-rape-victims-were-in-fact-not-asking-fo.htmlChris2007-12-12T15:49:32Z

(Los Angeles, CA) Every man knows this story. A hot piece of young tail enters a bar flashing a camel toe and enough cleavage to feed a village in Darfur. She has a few drinks, asks if you have some blow and quarters for a game of pool. One thing leads to another and soon you’re holding her down on a pinball machine, giving her your pool cue. Then come the next morning after everyone’s had a lot of fun, the bitch cries rape.

Was she asking for it?

According to a new study from a UCLA Medical School graduate, she might not have.

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