(Washington D.C.) Today the Pentagon announced that 6 Gitmo detainees will be charged with murder in connection to the 9/11 attacks. One future defendant, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, will also be retroactively charged 20 million dollars for the body waxings he has received over the past four and a half years he's been in custody.

"We've used over ten tons of wax on this guy, and that wax ain't cheap," said Pentagon spokesman Colonel James Gray. "And it's not like we have a choice on whether to wax him or not." Gray added that KSM's hair grows so fast that he has to be waxed twice a day or he'll end up looking like a Muslin Cousin It.

But KSM's rapid hair growth is not the only the reason for the waxings.

"Look, I don't want to insult Satan," said KSM's JAG representative Captain William Hart. "But Khalid's body hair smells like Satan's asshole...And we, Americans, are not the only ones who think that."

In fact the charges against Khalid Shaikh Mohammed stem from his fellow detainees finally turning against him.

"If those guys had more tolerance for Satan's asshole, we wouldn't have such a strong case," added Captain Hart.

With all the evidence lined up against him, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed is sure to be found guilty. And whether he's sent to prison or executed the United States will get their money back for the waxings.

"We're going to make KSM work it off in several ways," said Colonel Gray. "One: we're going to weaponize his body hair stench and use it against Al Qaeda, and Two: we're going to make KSM work with the Gideons to pass out Bibles to the nation's hotels and motels."