For Man Named Logan, When Women Hit 30, He’s On The Run

(Glendale, CA) Spring, it’s a time when life is born anew, a time when love is in full bloom. But this year for Logan Harper it’s a time to end a love affair. For almost two hours, Logan has been searching for the right words to break-up with his girlfriend of two years, Sara.

“I got it,” said Harper, while trolling MATCH.COM for a new lover. “Sara, you’re turning 30, so you gotta go….Logan’s done.”

Logan, 35, was named for Michael York’s character in the futuristic movie from the past Logan's Run. In the movie, York’s society keeps its number small and strong by sacrificing individuals on their 30th birthday.

Harper has infused that plot into his own love life; each time a girlfriend turns 30, he gives them the boot.

“I thought he was just kidding,” said recently dumped Sara. “But now I have to find a new place to live...I really don’t know what else to say, other than I’m a little embarrassed. And that Logan’s a jackass, because I was just about to hit my sexual prime.”

Logan says it is Sara who is making a jackass out of herself. "No one wants to listen to the ramblings of an old woman. What people, or more to the point men, want to hear are the likes and dislikes of say, a 25 year-old nurse/former exotic dancer in Encino."

Logan's other ex-girlfriends feel bad for him and say he's heading down the wrong path. "He's making a mistake living the way he does," said Julie H., a lawyer who dated Logan until her 30th birthday. "Because one day he's going to wake up old and alone."

"Julie might be right," added Logan. "But she and my other ex-girlfriends are missing the point. I like being alone, except when I'm having sex. And I only like to have sex with women under 30....To tell the truth, this whole Logan's Run thing was just a gimmick to help me score more tail....Now if you would get the hell out of my apartment, I have to send a picture of my junk to that nurse in Encino.”

Apple Unveils The "iDR" In Time For Holidays

(Cupertino, CA) As a kid, did you dream of being a doctor, but thought it was too hard or only possible for smart people? Well now your dream may come true. Because according to Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs, it is no longer necessary to spend the eight plus years in medical school and post-graduate programs in order to become a doctor. "Now you can do it in just seconds. Thanks to our latest marvel, the iDR," said Jobs during the iDR unveiling this morning.

"This device will let people make a self-diagnosis, order tests and prescribe medications (from Canadian pharmacies) all while downloading their favorite music, TV shows and movies," added Jobs to his awed audience. "Also, this little MD will help save millions from unnecessary office visits, soaring insurance costs and crippling school loans. Welcome to the new age of medicine."

"Welcome to the new age of medical disaster is more like it," says Dr. Joseph Martin, Dean of Harvard Medical School. "There's a reason medical training takes years. The human body is incredibly intricate and complicated. To think someone can just be a doctor while downloading Jay-Z is very, very foolish."

Former U.S. Senator Bill Frist, now a practicing physician, agrees. "It's not only foolish, it's irresponsible to think amateurs can correctly diagnose themselves. Hell most Americans still think that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. This is going to be a bloodbath, and we have to stop it." But when Frist was told that most iDR buyers would be Democrats he said, "Well, let's see how this plays out."

Steve Jobs finds all the criticisms of iDR way too premature. "Look people, don't knock the iDR before you get a chance to use it...In fact, last month it saved my ass. Using the iDR, I found and removed a tumor on my prostate 5 days before I got the tests back from my so-called learned doctor...I'm only saying what everyone already knows. The human doctor is going the way of the standard-def television...So save your ass today and buy the iDR."

Apple also announced their plans for another device that will be released in June 2008. It's called the iGOV, and it will let people legislate, enforce and overturn their own laws.

Waitress Insists Mime Job Is Just Temporary

(Burbank, CA) Growing up during the cold winters of Lincoln, Nebraska Ronnie Westburg kept warm by clinging to her dream. A dream that would take her out West to the adopted home of Bob Hope, where she could pursue her life's work of serving good people quality food at competitive prices.

Ronnie moved to Burbank 18 months ago. But after two months of not being able to find the right family style restaurant, she took the only job she could find, as a mime performing at charity events.

"Miming is just temporary," said Ronnie while practicing to climb an invisible ladder "I'm just doing it for the money, until I can find that dream waitressing gig."

To everyone reading this article, that may sound easy, but it's a challenge. "I'm caught in a Catch-22," said Ronnie "To get a job you need experience, and you can't get experience unless you get a job. So, I just gotta keep putting myself out there and hope I'll meet someone who knows someone who knows someone, who needs a good waitress."

But several people think Ronnie should stuff her waitressing dream down the garbage disposal and pursue miming full time."She has the gift. She has IT," said mime Josh Robbins a.k.a. 'Un Peu Marcel Marceau'. "She's a genius. When she's trapped in that box, I catch myself wondering if she's going to survive. That type of miming talent only comes around maybe once every hundred years. But she doesn't care. She just wants to serve waffles to fat people."

"You see why I don't want to waste my life as a mime? They're snobs," answered Ronnie. "I'm sorry Josh, that you're not as talented as you want to be, but let me live my own life. And I would consider it an honor to serve fat people waffles or anything they want, though I might push a salad with low-fat dressing. I don't want my customers to die on me."  

Though Ronnie seems to be alone in going after her dream, she does have one ally, her father John. The former waiter wants Ronnie to quit the mime thing and go for it. "If she doesn't, she's going to wake up one day and be too old to be the kind of waitress I know she can be." Ronnie agrees and said she was going to quit.

But a month later we found Ronnie she still trapped in that imaginary box. She insisted that she has one foot outside that box. "I'm quitting soon. I just need a little more money, a little more." Don't we all Ronnie, don't we all.

I'm Glad I'm Old, Cause You're F*cked

(Cleveland, OH) On his 73rd birthday Grandfather Godfrey 'Gramps' Reynolds told his two sons, six grandchildren and anyone who would listen that he doesn't mind getting old, in fact he's glad he's old. "It's a shitty world that just gets shittier by the second," said Gramps "And with all those crazy Arabs running around, I wouldn't want to grow up or raise a family now, because you young people are fucked."

"This is old hat for dad," said Godfrey's son Tim "Hell, when I was high school, he said 'With all those crazy Arabs running around, I'm glad I'm not in high school, because you're fucked."  

"And when I was getting married he said, 'With all those crazy Arabs running around, I'm glad I'm not getting married, because you're fucked.'" said Godfrey's other son Jim.

Why is everyone always fucked to Godfrey, and what do the Arabs have to do with it?

"Mr. Reynolds it seems, was born with what is called a Deteriorating Sense of Optimism or DSO," said Cleveland psychologist/sociologist James Whitsett "It's a rare brain disorder that affects only 1 out of 50 million. Unfortunately, there is no cure. But the Arab thing, I guess he's just a racist."

Tim Reynolds disagrees, "Racist? No way. As far as I know, dad's never even met an Arab. It's like the guy with the fancy degrees says, he's sick."

"Yea, and it's sad because now is a great time to be alive," said Jim Reynolds "I have access to every piece of literature and porn ever produced, the NFL has its own network and pretty soon doctors will be able grow new organs, like livers. And sure there are some crazy Arabs running around, but there have always been crazy Arabs and non-Arabs running around, and I suppose there always will be. But I choose to see the cup half-full. I choose to say that's okay."

Godfrey summed it up this way. "I'm glad I don't have my head in the clouds like Jim, because with all those crazy Arabs running around, he's fucked."

Man Fired For 'Thinking' About Co-Worker In Bikini

(St. Paul, MN) 32 year-old Martin Jenner is just like most American men. He likes football, beer and girls. But it's that attraction to the fairer sex that has turned Jenner's world upside down.

Two weeks ago, Jenner was planning his weekend around the Vikings game when a pink slip was dropped into his IN box at the Phillips Paint Company. The slip stated Martin was being fired from his customer service job.

"Fired for what?" asked Jenner.

The answer: sexual harassment. It seems that Jenner, during a company wide meeting that same week, had thought about what a female co-worker, Amy Smith, would look like in a bikini.

"It was a passing thought, that just happened," said Jenner. "To fire me for that is crazy."

"It's not crazy. It's ridiculous. The most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in my 18 months as an attorney," said Peter Jenner, Martin Jenner's lawyer and 2nd cousin. "How can they know what kind of thoughts are circling in Martin's mind? And if they do know, that's infringing on his privacy rights....right?"

"How do we know what was going on in Martin's mind?" said Phillips Paint Company's attorney Miles Abrams. "We have mind readers to keep everyone in line. And Mr. Martin knew that when he joined the company. All the details were in the employee code of conduct, that he signed."

"Yes, I did sign the code of conduct. And yes I do remember the short paragraph about mind reading," said Martin. "But I thought it was a joke. These people may work in paint, but they're really pretty funny."

But this is no joke, because a bikini cloud seems to be hanging over Martin. In the last week he's had five interviews and zero job offers. "I even got rejected by a ditch digging company," said a despondent Martin. "If this keeps up, I going to have to do one of those jobs that President Bush says Americans don't want to do."

"I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to get Martin the justice he deserves," said Peter Jenner. "That's my job...right?"

How is Amy Smith doing? And what does she think about all of this? "I don't know. I don't really mind that Martin objectified me. I'm flattered. I've always thought that he was kind of cute," said Amy. When asked if that meant she might be interested in seeing Martin socially, Amy added, "If you would have asked me that a month ago, I would have said yes, but not now. I don't date unemployed guys."