(Phoenix, AZ) High School sophomore and band member Hunter Casey, who plays the trumpet, has had a crush on fellow band member and flutist Rebecca Lyons for over a year. But because he's a shy kid and that Rebecca is always hanging out with the tuba player Toby McCalister, he's hasn't made an inch of headway. But over this past weekend, Casey made some giant strides.

What Rebecca or anyone didn't know was that earlier this year Hunter had been visited by the Crank Fairy. "When I first woke up and saw it, I knew it was special. I knew it was my calling card," said Casey. But what Hunter didn't know, was how to use it in order to be able to use it.  

Hunter Casey's luck changed when he found out two things: one, the band would be traveling to Portland, Oregon to support his school's basketball team in a regional tournament, and two, the band would be flying out of Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, which is the testing ground of a new Transportation Security Administration screening system called the Backscatter, which takes X-rays of passenger's bodies. "I knew that besides dropping a towel in front of Rebecca, this was my chance," said Casey.

So Casey put a big plan into motion. To keep Toby McCalister busy, Casey told him that there was a free buffet somewhere in the airport. This gave Casey the chance to position himself in front of Rebecca. "It was working great. Rebecca and I were having a great time talking about jazz and the TV show Heroes. I even told her that I was special too," said Casey. "But then the whole thing almost blew up in my face."

What Hunter Casey didn't realize was that the TSA only uses the Backscatter for passengers who fail the standard screening process. But thinking fast, the kid stuffed loose change into his pockets, socks and shoes. He failed the standard screening and was sent to the Backscatter. There Casey positioned himself to make sure Rebecca would hear the results.

"OH MY GOD was the first thing I heard from the TSA lady," said Rebecca "Then came the words...FOOTLONG... COKE...and CAN. I looked at Hunter, who was looking at me with this cocky smile. Then I caught a glimpse of the X-ray and fainted."

Even though the TSA cleared Casey, they're still a little irked. "We did not develop the Backscatter in order to help some 15 year-old lose his virginity," said TSA head Kip Hawley "The time we wasted on Mr. Casey is time that could have given a terrorist a chance to slip past us with an explosive."

"It would have been totally worth it," said Casey "Because Rebecca and I and going to movies this weekend." "And," added Rebecca. "We're going to sit in the very back corner."

(Denver, CO) Two weeks ago Terry Hilton, a stickler for punctuation and the office manager for the Denver based software company Cyber-Tablet, got an email that changed his life.

“It was a production update from our production manager Mindy,” said Terry becoming noticeably agitated. “It was very detailed. It was very clear. It was everything that it was supposed to be, except for the end where Mindy signed off, Thanks! And that’s where I lost it....I’ve told her many, many times to take it easy with the exclamation points, but she didn’t listen. And I don’t get it. Why the does she have to use the exclamation point to end every goddam email? What does that mean?…I’ll tell you what it means, it’s means, Hi, I’m Mindy, and I’m FUCKING UNPROFESSIONAL!!!”  

After pointing out that he had used the exclamation point correctly, Hilton said that Mindy wasn’t the only who had incorrectly used the EP. “There was Mike in accounting, Joanne in sales, Celia in research and really just about everyone else at the company. The offenses ranged from Thanks for the heads up!, Here’s the report you needed!  to Mike's got TOGO's coupons!…It was maddening, and I had to put a stop to it.”

Monday, Terry sent out a memo effectively banning the exclamation point from any company email. It read: If you value your job, you will never again end an email like this, Thanks!...Thanks.

Terry’s boss, George Smythe, said that he didn’t know about the exclamation point problem. “But after Terry told me how unprofessional things were, I was on board with the ban. And with all the time people wasted adding unnecessary punctuation, it's no wonder our profits were down last quarter.”

Everyone at Cyber-Tablet has accepted the ban. Everyone except Mindy. "I think that using exclamation points makes work more fun! They're like little hugs of encouragement!"

Terry thinks that Mindy and her ideas are stupid. And he's not in the minority. Nationwide, office managers, elementary school grammar teachers and even members of Congress agree about the waste and annoyance caused by the improper use of the exclamation point. “Do these people not realize what an exclamation point is for?” asked Louisiana Senator David Vitter. “It’s to show extreme emotion or volume. For example, Wow, I got laid!, or, That hooker has great cans!, or, Wow, I got laid by that hooker with great cans!…Is it so hard people?”

Next week, Senator Vitter plans to submit legislation banning the improper use of the exclamation point.

"That's great," said Hilton. "Finally this country can get it's goddam priorities straight....Suck it Mindy, Thanks!"

(Little Rock, AK) 8 year-old Stephanie Nesbitt and her 6 year-old brother Jimmy have had it. "We want the rainbow back!" said Stephanie protesting outside a local KIDS-R-US.

"The rainbow was not meant to be a symbol for homosexuals," said Nebbitt's attorney Bill Stanton. "It's for children. And we want G.L.A.A.D (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) to give it up."
 
The fight for the rainbow began last fall, when Stephanie wore a temporary rainbow tattoo to school. "I have to walk past the middle-school kids, and when they saw the rainbow they got all mean and stuff," said Stephanie. "Instead of saying, 'Hey kid that's a cool rainbow, where can I get one?', they called me a freaking dyke."

Jimmy Nesbitt had a similar experience when he put a rainbow sticker on his BMX bike. "The big kids forced me to ride without a seat, talk with a lisp and sing about smoking pole. Now I might be a bed-wetter, but I'm no fag...no offense."

G.L.A.A.D spokesperson Josh Pumple said that his organization would not surrender the rainbow. "To us, the rainbow represents all colors, creeds and lifestyles. It's a good symbol for us, but we'd be glad, ha ha, to share it with the Nesbitts and all the children (straight, gay or bi) of the world."

"No deal.These kids deserve to have the rainbow all to themselves," said Bill Stanton. "But these kids are realistic. They know you can't get something for nothing. So they've authorized me to say that in exchange for the rainbow, they are willing to give up unicorns, Hannah Montana and baths."

(Tampa, FL) A few weeks ago a study released by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) stated that 25 percent or one quarter of adolescent girls are carrying Sexually Transmitted Diseases. And of course those hardest hit by the news were adolescent boys.

“This blows,” said Gary M., a 16 year-old high school junior. “I just got my license, and I was looking forward to getting some. But now I don’t know which skank at my school is clean. And I need to have lots of sex now, so I can learn how to please a woman...What am I supposed to do?”

Gary’s friend Ray, believes he has the answer. “We’re going to start banging the ugly teachers. Sure, anyone can go for the hot teachers, but they're got attitude and like guys with houses and stuff. The ugly ones are a better bet for us. They have lots a free time. They are disease free, and most importantly they are willing.”

Ray went on to say that it’s a win/win for everyone. And one teacher, Miss P., agrees. “First of all, it’s nice to have the company and second of all, I feel like I’m extending the boys' education from the classroom to my laundry room…I like to do it against the washing machine, while it's on the spin cycle. It gives me multiples.”

Gary recently had his first encounter with an ugly teacher, and he’s hooked. “I’ve learned way more sex stuff than I thought was possible. It’s amazing what one can do with some baby oil and a little patience. But the best part, besides the toe-curling orgasms, is that my grades have gone up!”

In fact, every teen boy, who started banging an ugly teacher, has seen his grades improve. Parents and other teachers are ecstatic. “Look, we don’t know what’s going on, and we don’t want to know,” said David Lite, the principal of Gary and Ray’s school. “We’re just glad that there are less teen pregnancies and less teen boys being left behind.”

(Glendale, CA) Spring, it’s a time when life is born anew, a time when love is in full bloom. But this year for Logan Harper it’s a time to end a love affair. For almost two hours, Logan has been searching for the right words to break-up with his girlfriend of two years, Sara.

“I got it,” said Harper, while trolling MATCH.COM for a new lover. “Sara, you’re turning 30, so you gotta go….Logan’s done.”

Logan, 35, was named for Michael York’s character in the futuristic movie from the past Logan's Run. In the movie, York’s society keeps its number small and strong by sacrificing individuals on their 30th birthday.

Harper has infused that plot into his own love life; each time a girlfriend turns 30, he gives them the boot.

“I thought he was just kidding,” said recently dumped Sara. “But now I have to find a new place to live...I really don’t know what else to say, other than I’m a little embarrassed. And that Logan’s a jackass, because I was just about to hit my sexual prime.”

Logan says it is Sara who is making a jackass out of herself. "No one wants to listen to the ramblings of an old woman. What people, or more to the point men, want to hear are the likes and dislikes of say, a 25 year-old nurse/former exotic dancer in Encino."

Logan's other ex-girlfriends feel bad for him and say he's heading down the wrong path. "He's making a mistake living the way he does," said Julie H., a lawyer who dated Logan until her 30th birthday. "Because one day he's going to wake up old and alone."

"Julie might be right," added Logan. "But she and my other ex-girlfriends are missing the point. I like being alone, except when I'm having sex. And I only like to have sex with women under 30....To tell the truth, this whole Logan's Run thing was just a gimmick to help me score more tail....Now if you would get the hell out of my apartment, I have to send a picture of my junk to that nurse in Encino.”