United States Archives
Entries by Title
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- Kid With Big Crank Uses Airport X-Ray Machine To Get The Girl
- Office Manager Bans The Exclamation Point!
- Kids Want Rainbow Back
- With One In Four Adolescent Girls Carrying STDs, Adolescent Boys Start Shagging Ugly Teachers
- For Man Named Logan, When Women Hit 30, He’s On The Run
- After Losing 35 Pounds, Man Finds Wife More Worthy Of His Love
- U.S. Charges Khalid Shaikh Mohammed With Murder And $20 Million For Body Waxings
- U.S. Recession A 'Sure Thing' As D.C. Hookers Switch To Euros
- Satan Claus Goes Out On Limb To Wish Everyone A Very Un-Merry Christmas
- New Study Finds That Rape Victims Were, In Fact, Not Asking For It
- Man Looking Forward To Driving Drunk This Holiday Season
- Teen Okay With Virgin Status, Because He Was ‘Johnny Wadd’ In Previous Life
- Ladies, If Your Last Name Is Peterson, Your Husband Is Going To Kill You
- Study Finds Nice Guys Do Finish Last
- Apple Unveils The "iDR" In Time For Holidays
- Drunk Man Pays Dearly For Losing Glasses
- Waitress Insists Mime Job Is Just Temporary
- Local Man Says Kid Doctor Doesn’t Know Sh*t
- Nerd Who Saved Town From Vampire Attack, Still Can’t Get Laid
- Kidnap Victim/Ugly Friend Pissed That She Wasn’t Assaulted
- United States Ranks 10th In Literacy But 1st In Slogans
- Study Says Everyone Will Be A Porn Star By 2014
- Local Actor Finally Gets A Job
- L.A.’s Jaywalking Bandit Finally Tripped Up
- Kmart Introduces ‘The Maid Doll’ To Clean Up Profits
- Area Baker Can’t Get Enough Of Those ‘Adorable Kid Who Teaches The Self-Absorbed Adult About The Meaning Of Life’ Movies
- O’Doul’s Sponsored Shuttle Launch Goes Off Without Hitch
- Why We Must Not Let Old British Queens Obsessed With Ducks Wear Wigs
- I'm Glad I'm Old, Cause You're F*cked
- HOOTERS Founder Dies With A Smile
- Pope Commutes Los Angeles Archdiocese Settlement
- Killing A White Woman, Nice Going A-Hole
- Future Pope Stops At Third Base
- Before Leaving Town Pilot Puts Black Box In Wife’s Va-JJ
- 11 Year-Old Boys Petition Governor To Change 'Age Of Consent' To 11
- Gay Man Sent To Therapy For "Breeder" Tirade
- Man Fired For 'Thinking' About Co-Worker In Bikini
- Man Claims He Invented The Word UNDERAGE
- Star Trek Love Poem Boldly Goes Nowhere
- Teen: "I Shot JFK, RFK And Jimmy Hoffa"
- Man Unveils 12-Step Program To Cure 12-Step Program Addiction
- Pesos For Pizza? How About Confederate Dollars For BBQ?
- Wife's Will To Live, A Little Annoying
- Teen Boy Makes Announcement: “I Will Only Date Girls With Small Hands”
- Virginia Tech Female Students Under Assault From Fawn Lebowitz
- Dramatic Farewell Ill-Planned
- To Win War On Illegal Drugs, Government And Bayer Release FlintStoneD Vitamins
- Outsource Your Cancer!
- Man Gets Ass Handed To Him By Lupus
- Coiner Of Phrase "Commit Random Acts Of Kindness And Senseless Acts Of Beauty" Killed In Calculated Massacre
- After Zoo Visit Goes South, Man Vows To Erase Polar Bears From Face Of Earth
- Fat Man: "It's A Smaller World."
- Unwanted Porn Leads To Unwanted Erection And Unwanted AIDS
- Vanishing Of Bees Leads One Man To Conclude: Earth Will Be Destroyed To Make Way For Galactic Highway
- 8-Year-Old Goes On Al Sharpton's Radio Show To Confront Remarks He'll Make At 29
- Sleep Aid Molesta Gets 5 To 10 Year Suspension
- U.S. Post Office To Issue 'Forever Stamps' Featuring The Führer
- Book Written By Dog, Not That Good
- Woman At Orgy: Why Am I Talking?
- Columbia University To Offer A "Fellatio Payment Plan"