The Front Page

20 Years Later, Jack Walsh’s Diner Is Very Popular With The Chicago Police Department

Chris — Tue, 22 May 2012 20:35:00 +0000

(Chicago, IL) 20 years ago former bounty hunter Jack Walsh was very unpopular with the Chicago police department. Today however Jack and his diner, Jack’s, are very popular with not only the Chicago police department but also the entire Windy City.

GOP Unveils Plan To Combat Global Warming: Swimming Lessons

Chris — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 18:43:02 +0000

(Washington D.C.) Most people think global warming is one big problem. But how do we fix it? Today, the Grand Old Party gave their answer.

“It’s not just our answer. It’s the answer!” exclaimed the goggle clad House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. “And that answer is - swimming lessons!”

Yes, the GOP plans to combat global warming with swimming lessons.

Fat Kid Eats Bully

Chris — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 20:24:27 +0000

(Houston, TX) Everyone faces a bully at some point in their life. For a portly 8th grader named Teddy Parker, his bully came in the form of 9th grader Ace Lawrence.

Parker (who claims to be big-boned) spent two years being tormented by Lawrence. Everyday he was bullied by the names Fatso, Fatty Butt, Lard Ass, Tons-O-Fun, Chubby and Chunky. But that bullying ended last Tuesday, when before lunch Parker lashed out and....ate Ace Lawrence.

“I didn’t mean to eat him,” said Parker. “It just kind of happened.”

Parker claims that Ace threatened him with

GOP Plans To Fix Obesity And Healthcare With "The 20 Ounce Pound"

Chris — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 21:56:40 +0000

(Washington D.C.) For months we have been hearing that obesity along with a broken healthcare system are major threats to America’s economic survival. After months of saying NO to all of President Obama’s proposed solutions, today, the GOP released their plan.

It’s a plan that in the words of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “will revolutionize the weigh Americans live”.

Colleges Giving Away ShamWow Diplomas

Chris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:27:44 +0000

(New York, NY) Last December 22 year-old Paul Finnemore was on top of the world when he graduated from Hunter College with a Bachelor Degree in Accounting. “When I held that diploma in my hand,” said Paul, “I thought ‘this is great, but a little weird.’” Paul’s diploma was made not from the usual parchment but from the super absorbent ShamWow.

Finnemore thought his ShamWow diploma was a product endorsement or a joke. “It’s no joke. It’s a real diploma. A real diploma that can also wash, dry and polish any surface on Earth,”

Cub Reporter Looking Forward To Life Of Poverty And Despair

Chris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 02:00:55 +0000

(New York, NY) Julian Simon has one dream and one dream only, to be a big time reporter at a big time newspaper. There's one problem. Because so many big time newspapers are losing readership and advertising dollars, right now might be the worst time ever to work at a big time newspaper. Simon, however, is undeterred.

“I’m not stupid. I know I'll be working for a pittance, that I'll be poor and desperate,” said Simon. "But for the sake of the story, I am looking forward to a life of poverty and despair.”

In fact, Simon has already started his poor and desperate life.

People, Presidents Day Should Be About More Than Just Millard Fillmore

Chris — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:43:51 +0000

Millard Fillmore, February 1859

My fellow Americans, today as we celebrate the American President, I would like to remind you, that this day should be about more than me, your lucky 13th President Millard Fillmore. Now, I know you have your reasons why today should my day, and while those reasons are clearly valid, we must be kind enough to remember a few of our less popular Presidents like Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson and George Washington.

It is only fair, that we pull these fine men from behind my gigantic shadow

A Message To Republicans And Bernie Madoff, You Are No Longer Allowed To Say Nest Egg!

Chris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:02:10 +0000

David Howard

A few years back, my wife and I took our nest egg and dropped out of society. We did it, because we were sick of the rat race and wanted to find ourselves. Today, thanks to the biggest financial shit-storm since Al Jolson was getting away with singing in blackface, a lot of good people are finding themselves being dropped out, without their nest egg. In fact, millions have no nest egg at all. And Why? Because the Republicans and a fella named Bernie Madoff scrambled them.

Mr. Mom Fired By Kids

Chris — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:25:25 +0000

(Chicago, IL) It’s been a roller coaster ride for 41 year-old Rich Wabash. Eight months ago he got his dream job as a sports reporter for the Chicago Tribune. - "It was totally awesome!"

Four months ago he was fired from that job, when the Tribune decided Chicago sports weren’t worth covering. - "That totally sucked!"

Two weeks after that Wabash's wife, Cheryl, got a job with the Chicago Cubs turning Rich into Mr. Mom for his 8 year-old twin boys Ritchie and Jackie. - "This kind of sucked but had potential for some awesomeness."

Then last week, this 21st Century Mr. Mom was fired by his sons. - "This totally sucks, again!"

Economy So Bad, Bill Gates Gets Job At Apple Store

Chris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:29:44 +0000

(Seattle, WA) In today’s sinkhole of an economy no one is safe, not even a billionaire like Bill Gates. In the last six months, thanks to those annoying commercials with Jerry Seinfeld and investing with Bernie Madoff, the founder of Microsoft has lost 99.99999% of his wealth. So last week, in order to keep the power on at his home, Gates got a job…at the Apple Store.

“Hi I’m Bill, have you seen our new iPhone? It’s grrreat!” said Gates