The Front Page

Sarah Palin Signs TV Contract With Fox News, But Promises To Quit Halfway Through

Chris — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 01:55:01 +0000

This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.(New York, NY) This week conservative megastar Sarah Palin signed a multi-year deal to appear on Fox News as a political consultant. Soon after, the Joe and Jane Six-Packs of America were worried that being on cable TV might change their beloved hockey mom. Today Palin let them know that she will always be their little maverick.

Reading from a partially prepared statement the former Alaska Governor said that even though she’s only been at Fox News for a few days, she loves it. She loves the people, the fair and balanced message and the 10% off she gets on Bill O’Reilly’s Factor Gear. “But one day, probably about two years and seven months from now, I will decide to not quite quit, but instead resign, from Fox News."

Afghan People Say If Americans Don’t Want The Public Option...They’ll Take It

Chris — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:10:21 +0000

(Afghanistan & Washington D.C.) President Obama and his advisors are considering sending more troops into Afghanistan. However, the Afghan people have a message for them.

Keep your troops. Send us the public option.

“We’re not kidding,” said Fareed Abdullah, a local schoolteacher.

Obama Comes Clean On Healthcare “We Don’t Want To Kill Grandma, We Want To Date Grandma”

Chris — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:38:16 +0000

(Washington D.C.) Yesterday, in advance of President Obama’s health care address to a joint session of Congress, the White House released the text of his speech. One paragraph involving the controversial death panels has caught the attention of the nation.

My fellow Americans, let me make this clear, the federal government does not want to kill your grandma. There will be no death panels for her….But make no mistake, there will be death panels for your grandpa. We, the government, want to get rid of that tired old man, so that we can date your grandma. Because let’s face facts, she’s still got some tread on that booty, and we want to drive that booty all the way to funky town.

GOP Plans To Fix Obesity And Healthcare With "The 20 Ounce Pound"

Chris — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 21:56:40 +0000

(Washington D.C.) For months we have been hearing that obesity along with a broken healthcare system are major threats to America’s economic survival. After months of saying NO to all of President Obama’s proposed solutions, today, the GOP released their plan.

It’s a plan that in the words of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “will revolutionize the weigh Americans live”.

Man Booted From Facebook For Giving TLI (Too Little Information)

Chris — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:57:44 +0000

(New York, NY) Last Sunday at 4:13 PM Jim Decker updated his Facebook status…Just walked past pizza place…Just ten minutes later at 4:23, that same afternoon, Decker’s Facebook account was cancelled.

Why?

“Mr. Decker was booted because of TLI (Too Little Information),” said Facebook’s Director of Membership Matt Portnoy. “He had been warned to provide more details in his status updates and comments. He didn’t. So he’s gone.”

Gregory Harris, a Sociology Professor at Hunter College and an expert on social networking web sites, is not surprised by Facebook’s actions.

Local Singer Offers To Pick Up The Mantle Of King Of Pop

Chris — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:06:32 +0000

(Portland, OR) On June 25th, 2009 Michael Jackson passed on leaving this world without a King of Pop. Music critics, producers and performers don’t think anyone will ever be able to replace Jackson, and therefore the Throne of Pop will remain vacant.

One man thinks that would be a crime against humanity.

“Hello world, my name is Dennis Covington and I am offering myself to be your new King of Pop. As you can see, I look the part. And this axe? Well it ain't just for show.”

White Guy Volunteers To Sit In Back Of Bus

Chris — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 00:54:41 +0000

(St. Louis, MO) Barack Obama helped ease centuries of built up racial tensions in the United States, when he was elected to the White House in 2008. In 2009, Brian Pale also helped ease racial tensions, when he voluntarily sat in the back of a bus.

Last week, during a trip across town, the 27 year-old high school civics teacher took it upon himself to move to the back of a city bus

GOP Unveils Plan To Combat Global Warming: Swimming Lessons

Chris — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:13:31 +0000

(Washington D.C.) Most people think global warming is one big problem. But how do we fix it? Today, the Grand Old Party gave their answer.

“It’s not just our answer. It’s the answer!” exclaimed the goggle clad House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. “And that answer is - swimming lessons!”

Yes, the GOP plans to combat global warming with swimming lessons.

Cyclist With Two Testicles Says He Can Win 14 Tour de France Championships

Chris — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:22:36 +0000

(Tampa, FL) Professional cyclist Greg Dorvman, 23, is about to compete in his first Tour de France, and he has a message for Lance Armstrong. “Stay home…Retire, again…Do not ride in this year’s Tour de France. Your one testicle will be no match against my two testicles.”

Starting this year Dorvman plans to win 14 consecutive Tour de France championships, because in his mind if Armstrong can win 7 with one testicle, then he should win 14 with two testicles.

A Message From The Vice President - What Did You Expect The GOP To Say About Sotomayor, Marry My Daughter?

Chris — Fri, 29 May 2009 18:56:10 +0000

Hello my fellow Americans, Joe Biden here.

Ever since that cool cat President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court, I have gotten a zillion phone calls from you saying that you are outraged, OUTRAGED, that the GOP and their media minions have called Judge Sotomayor a racist, liberal and intellectual lightweight.

All I have to say about that is, WELL DUH!