(Washington D.C.) Most people think global warming is one big problem. But how do we fix it? Today, the Grand Old Party gave their answer.
(Houston, TX) Everyone faces a bully at some point in their life. For a portly 8th grader named Teddy Parker, his bully came in the form of 9th grader Ace Lawrence.
Parker (who claims to be big-boned) spent two years being tormented by Lawrence. Everyday he was bullied by the names Fatso, Fatty Butt, Lard Ass, Tons-O-Fun, Chubby and Chunky. But that bullying ended last Tuesday, when before lunch Parker lashed out and....ate Ace Lawrence.
“I didn’t mean to eat him,” said Parker. “It just kind of happened.”
Parker claims that Ace threatened him with
(Washington D.C.) For months we have been hearing that obesity along with a broken healthcare system are major threats to America’s economic survival. After months of saying NO to all of President Obama’s proposed solutions, today, the GOP released their plan.
It’s a plan that in the words of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “will revolutionize the weigh Americans live”.
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(New York, NY) Last December 22 year-old Paul Finnemore was on top of the world when he graduated from Hunter College with a Bachelor Degree in Accounting. “When I held that diploma in my hand,” said Paul, “I thought ‘this is great, but a little weird.’” Paul’s diploma was made not from the usual parchment but from the super absorbent ShamWow.
(New York, NY) Julian Simon has one dream and one dream only, to be a big time reporter at a big time newspaper. There's one problem. Because so many big time newspapers are losing readership and advertising dollars, right now might be the worst time ever to work at a big time newspaper. Simon, however, is undeterred.
“I’m not stupid. I know I'll be working for a pittance, that I'll be poor and desperate,” said Simon. "But for the sake of the story, I am looking forward to a life of poverty and despair.”
In fact, Simon has already started his poor and desperate life.
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Millard Fillmore, February 1859
David Howard
(Chicago, IL) It’s been a roller coaster ride for 41 year-old Rich Wabash. Eight months ago he got his dream job as a sports reporter for the Chicago Tribune. - "It was totally awesome!"
Four months ago he was fired from that job, when the Tribune decided Chicago sports weren’t worth covering. - "That totally sucked!"
Two weeks after that Wabash's wife, Cheryl, got a job with the Chicago Cubs turning Rich into Mr. Mom for his 8 year-old twin boys Ritchie and Jackie. - "This kind of sucked but had potential for some awesomeness."
Then last week, this 21st Century Mr. Mom was fired by his sons. - "This totally sucks, again!"
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(Seattle, WA) In today’s sinkhole of an economy no one is safe, not even a billionaire like Bill Gates. In the last six months, thanks to those annoying commercials with Jerry Seinfeld and investing with Bernie Madoff, the founder of Microsoft has lost 99.99999% of his wealth. So last week, in order to keep the power on at his home, Gates got a job…at the Apple Store.
(Shermer, IL) For millions of people around the world, Christmas means spending time with their family and getting some presents from Santa Claus. But for 40 year-old John Bender, Christmas means another year of his father shoving a carton of cigarettes in his hand and saying, “Smoke up Johnny!”