The Front PageThe Front Pagehttp://www.thelostnews.com/the-front-page/2009-01-07T17:58:26ZSquarespaceLocal Middle School To Offer A Chinese Laundry Classhttp://www.thelostnews.com/the-front-page/2009/1/5/local-middle-school-to-offer-a-chinese-laundry-class.htmlChris2009-01-05T16:09:54Z2009-01-05T16:09:54Z(Chico, CA) In the past, California has been the trendsetter for the United States. And this year will be no different, because as of today, the Golden state will be the first state to offer middle school students a class in Chinese laundry.
“To quote Randy Watson, the children are our future,” said George Ming, principal of Chico Middle School. “The 21st Century is going to be highly competitive, and in order for our children to survive, they’re going to need some skills.”]]>Bush Named New Head Coach Of Dallas Cowboyshttp://www.thelostnews.com/the-front-page/2009/1/3/bush-named-new-head-coach-of-dallas-cowboys.htmlChris2009-01-03T23:27:32Z2009-01-03T23:27:32Z(Dallas, TX) As of January 20th, 2009 the United States of America will have a new president, and America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys, will have a new head coach: George W. Bush.
“That’s right folks,” said the Dallas Cowboys GM/owner Jerry Jones. “I told you that after eating a crap sandwich against the Eagles that this team needed real change. Mr. Bush represents that change.”
“Shit yea I do,” said Bush.]]>A-Hole Enjoys Last Day Of 2008http://www.thelostnews.com/the-front-page/2008/12/31/a-hole-enjoys-last-day-of-2008.htmlChris2008-12-31T19:58:21Z2008-12-31T19:58:21Z(Philadelphia, PA) New Year’s Eve is a time for resolutions. Whether it’s to stop smoking, lose weight or spend more time with family, millions of people make resolutions. And 31 year-old Anthony Pierce is no different. “My 2009 resolution is to stop being an asshole,” said Pierce before unzipping his pants and whizzing into his mother’s coffee pot.
“But that starts tomorrow in 2009. Today is still 2008 and one more day for me to be a raging asshole,” added Pierce while poking holes in his younger brother’s condoms.]]>Business Of Tawking About Bad Economy Post Record Profitshttp://www.thelostnews.com/the-front-page/2008/12/29/business-of-tawking-about-bad-economy-post-record-profits.htmlChris2008-12-29T15:50:11Z2008-12-29T15:50:11Z(New York, NY) In the current economy one would be hard pressed to find a business sector that is posting a profit. But if you turn on your TV, radio or head to your local bookstore, you might stumble upon one.
“The business of talking about the bad economy is on effing fire!” screamed Jerry Greenback, star of the new CNBC show GREENBACK TAWK. “I just cleared six millions bucks for the year. This recession is effing awesome!”]]>John Bender, “You Know What I Don’t Want For Christmas? Another Carton Of Smokes.”http://www.thelostnews.com/the-front-page/2008/12/22/john-bender-you-know-what-i-dont-want-for-christmas-another.htmlChris2008-12-22T18:32:35Z2008-12-22T18:32:35Z
(Chico, CA) In the past, California has been the trendsetter for the United States. And this year will be no different, because as of today, the Golden state will be the first state to offer middle school students a class in Chinese laundry.
(Dallas, TX) As of January 20th, 2009 the United States of America will have a new president, and America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys, will have a new head coach: George W. Bush.
(Philadelphia, PA) New Year’s Eve is a time for resolutions. Whether it’s to stop smoking, lose weight or spend more time with family, millions of people make resolutions. And 31 year-old Anthony Pierce is no different. “My 2009 resolution is to stop being an asshole,” said Pierce before unzipping his pants and whizzing into his mother’s coffee pot.
(New York, NY) In the current economy one would be hard pressed to find a business sector that is posting a profit. But if you turn on your TV, radio or head to your local bookstore, you might stumble upon one.