(Washington D.C.) Yesterday, in advance of President Obama’s health care address to a joint session of Congress, the White House released the text of his speech. One paragraph involving the controversial death panels has caught the attention of the nation.

My fellow Americans, let me make this clear, the federal government does not want to kill your grandma. There will be no death panels for her….But make no mistake, there will be death panels for your grandpa. We, the government, want to get rid of that tired old man, so that we can date your grandma. Because let’s face facts, she’s still got some tread on that booty, and we want to drive that booty all the way to funky town.

After reading the speech, House Minority Leader John Boehner could barely speak. “I didn’t think President Obama had it in him to come up with such...a brilliant idea! Bravo Mr. President, bravo.”

RNC chairman Michael Steele praised Obama for his bravery in saying what everybody else has been thinking."You are the shiznit, Barack Obama.”

Even former Alaska Governor and 2012 Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin took time away from shooting wolves, to say that President Obama's proposal was the kind of socialism that she, a grandma, could support. Her husband Todd, however, had no comment.

And today a CNN/TLN poll found that 68% of the American people were a-okay with sending grandpa to a death panel and treating grandma like a $20 streetwalker.

“I don’t know about most people, but my grandpa is a real prick,” said Bernard Madoff III. “So you have my blessing Mr. President, to death panel that motherfucker and take my Grams to funky town.”

In other news, scientists at the Charlie Wilson Institute kicked off a study today that will try to teach wolves to shoot down helicopters and small planes.