(Tampa, FL) Professional cyclist Greg Dorvman, 23, is about to compete in his first Tour de France, and he has a message for Lance Armstrong. “Stay home…Retire, again…Do not ride in this year’s Tour de France. Your one testicle will be no match against my two testicles.”

Starting this year Dorvman plans to win 14 consecutive Tour de France championships, because in his mind if Armstrong can win 7 with one testicle, then he should win 14 with two testicles.

“There is no doubt in my mind that my two testicles will guarantee me 14 victories,” said Dorvman. “Look, I’m not trying to be a dick here, but it’s just plain math. Two are better than one. Two dollars are better than one, two girls are better than one and two testicles are better than one.”

Dorvman's coach, Skip Williams, said that Dorvman's two testicles would give him double the cycling power of Armstrong. "So when the merde hits ventilateur, Dorvman will have an extra ball of energy to fall back on. Armstrong won’t."

And because of the power provided by his two testicles, Dorvman has been boasting that he will only need to train half as much as Armstrong. “And that extra time will let me pursue my other passion.”

Dorvman’s other passion is to become a successful piano playing country singer. His thinking is that if Ronnie Milsap can produce 40 #1 hits, then he can produce at least 80.

Why?

“Again, it’s simple math,” said Dorvman. “If two testicles are better than one, then two eyes must be better than zero….So look out Milsap...look out.”