Everyone Must Be Fabulous!

Fabius Maximus - Consul of Rome

The following is what remains of Fabius Maximus' State of the Republic address from the year 210 B.C.

Hello citizens of Rome. I'm fabulous, how are you?

As your Consul, I am here to let you know that the state of the Republic is fabulous. The Senate is fabulous. The citizens of Rome are fabulous, and the soldiers are fabulous. So I guess we're done here. Right?

Wrong.

There are some of you who are non-fabulous. That’s right, I'm talking to you, slaves. Why so glum? Life is so fabulous, why aren't you? Stop, I don't want to hear your excuses, I just want you to turn that frown upside down.

Listen up my people. I will not have a non-fabulous Republic. I mean we're not Macedonia…laugh if you know what's good for you….Okay stop.

Slaves and any non-fabulous creature I’ve overlooked, I simply command you to become fabulous. Now if any of you say, 'Fabius, how can I be fabulous?', I'm going to feed you to the lions!…Just kidding! That was another fabulous joke! I'm full of it today!

Here’s how you can achieve a fabulous level of fabulousness. My fabulous 5-Step plan to being well, fabulous! Those of you who can, write get this down. Those of you who can't, make friends with someone who can.

Number 1- Get up every morning gaze into your looking glass and say "I am fabulous!" at least ten times. This will help get you into the fabulous state of mind.

Number 2- Dress in fabulous colors, like PURPLE! No drab Earth tones, slaves! If you don't have purple clothes or can't afford to get purple clothes, then you must do what you can to make more coin. Trust me, there's always a Senator's shaft that needs pruning.

Number 3- Exercise! To be fabulous one has to have a fabulous body, that means hitting the gymnasium for a fabulous two-hour work out, at least three times a week.

Number 4- This is the easy step. Relaxation. And there’s no more fabulous way to relax than with a fabulous orgy. And folks, remember to be a giver. Nothing makes you feel more fabulous than making someone else feel fabulous first.

Number 5- A fabulous meal. You must eat to replenish that fabulous body. In fact, you must eat and eat and eat until you are so full of fabulous nourishment that a fountain of fabulous vomit erupts from your lips…fabulous!

That's it. That's all it takes to be fabulous, five easy steps. Now go out and make it happen Romans, or I will have you ripped apart by my fabulous wild horses...that was not a joke.

Toodles!