Economy So Bad, Bill Gates Gets Job At Apple Store
Wednesday, January 7, 2009 at 07:29AM 
(Seattle, WA) In today’s sinkhole of an economy no one is safe, not even a billionaire like Bill Gates. In the last six months, thanks to those annoying commercials with Jerry Seinfeld and investing with Bernie Madoff, the founder of Microsoft has lost 99.99999% of his wealth. So last week, in order to keep the power on at his home, Gates got a job…at the Apple Store.
“Hi I’m Bill, have you seen our new iPhone? It’s grrreat!” said Gates
Local Middle School To Offer A Chinese Laundry Class
Monday, January 5, 2009 at 08:09AM 
(Chico, CA) In the past, California has been the trendsetter for the United States. And this year will be no different, because as of today, the Golden state will be the first state to offer middle school students a class in Chinese laundry.
“To quote Randy Watson, the children are our future,” said George Ming, principal of Chico Middle School. “The 21st Century is going to be highly competitive, and in order for our children to survive, they’re going to need some skills.”
Bush Named New Head Coach Of Dallas Cowboys
Saturday, January 3, 2009 at 03:27PM 
(Dallas, TX) As of January 20th, 2009 the United States of America will have a new president, and America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys, will have a new head coach: George W. Bush.
“That’s right folks,” said the Dallas Cowboys GM/owner Jerry Jones. “I told you that after eating a crap sandwich against the Eagles that this team needed real change. Mr. Bush represents that change.”
“Shit yea I do,” said Bush.
A-Hole Enjoys Last Day Of 2008
Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at 11:58AM 
(Philadelphia, PA) New Year’s Eve is a time for resolutions. Whether it’s to stop smoking, lose weight or spend more time with family, millions of people make resolutions. And 31 year-old Anthony Pierce is no different. “My 2009 resolution is to stop being an asshole,” said Pierce before unzipping his pants and whizzing into his mother’s coffee pot.
“But that starts tomorrow in 2009. Today is still 2008 and one more day for me to be a raging asshole,” added Pierce while poking holes in his younger brother’s condoms.
Business Of Tawking About Bad Economy Post Record Profits
Monday, December 29, 2008 at 07:50AM 
(New York, NY) In the current economy one would be hard pressed to find a business sector that is posting a profit. But if you turn on your TV, radio or head to your local bookstore, you might stumble upon one.
“The business of talking about the bad economy is on effing fire!” screamed Jerry Greenback, star of the new CNBC show GREENBACK TAWK. “I just cleared six millions bucks for the year. This recession is effing awesome!”
John Bender, “You Know What I Don’t Want For Christmas? Another Carton Of Smokes.”
Monday, December 22, 2008 at 10:32AM 
(Shermer, IL) For millions of people around the world, Christmas means spending time with their family and getting some presents from Santa Claus. But for 40 year-old John Bender, Christmas means another year of his father shoving a carton of cigarettes in his hand and saying, “Smoke up Johnny!”
“It’s been the same thing for 25 years,” said Bender, who quit smoking 15 years ago. “I’ve told my dad, that all I want is a new jean jacket, but he doesn’t listen. He just gets drunk and tries to put his cigar out on my arm.”
Bush Says Iraqi Shoes Smelled Like Flowers
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 12:18PM 
(Washington D.C.) Unless you’ve been living in GITMO or North Korea, you know that this past weekend in Iraq, President George W. Bush was the victim of a vicious shoe attack. Thanks to his catlike reflexes, well rested from lack of use, Bush was able to dodge the shoes/projectiles.
At first the President thought the attack was an act of anger, but now he believes the attack was an act of gratitude.
After A Disastrous 42 Years, Mike Hunt Decides To Change Name
Monday, December 15, 2008 at 06:10PM 
(Hoboken, NJ) At 42 most men are married with kids and are on solid footing in their careers or jobs. Not so for one New Jersey native named Michael Hunt or Mike Hunt. “My life sucks,” said Hunt from his two-bedroom apartment in Hoboken. “It always has.”
Hunt said his childhood was a living hell. “Imagine you’re 10 years-old and your mother yells for you to come home for dinner like this: Mike Hunt, dinner! Can you hear me Mike Hunt? It’s dinner time! If you want to eat Mike Hunt, come home now! I was a freaking joke man.”
Blagojevich Appoints Jesus To Obama’s Senate Seat
Friday, December 12, 2008 at 10:46AM 
(Chicago, IL) Plucky Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich shocked everyone today by appointing a replacement for President-elect Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. His choice? Jesus Christ.
“Because I’m still the Governor, this is still my call. And I don’t think anyone can argue that Jesus won’t be a great Senator,” said Blagojevich. “Yea, let’s see you sons-of-bitches call this crooked.”
Blagojevich’s boast still hung in the air, as a tape of his conversation with Jesus was released by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald. Apparently, Jesus had worn a wire for the government. Below is the transcript.
Boss Tells Workers, “If You Call In Gay, You Better Be Gay.”
Wednesday, December 10, 2008 at 08:38AM 
(Fresno, CA) Today supporters of gay marriage all across the nation are encouraged to call in gay to work as a sign of protest. But for Jerry Milbank owner of Milbank Party Supplies, it’s a day to be annoyed. “It’s Christmas time, and I have a lot of party supplies to ship out. And a gay day is not what I need.”
So Milbank told his employees yesterday. “If you call in gay tomorrow, you better be gay or at least be doing some gay stuff.