Sports

Eli Manning Puts The Gambino Family On Ice

2008-02-04T06:21:11Z

(New York, NY) Thanks to Eli Manning and the New York football Giants' win over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, it looks like there's not only a new first family in football but also a new Fifth Family in New York City.

Last year Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl for the city of Indianapolis, and the city rewarded him with a free killing.

Now it's Eli's turn.

Following Marion Jones’ Confession, Man Who Placed 678th In 2000 New York City Marathon Comes Clean

2007-10-11T15:04:17Z

(New York, NY) George Jefferson, a 42-year old New Jersey native and owner of a dry cleaning business in Hoboken, lives his life with one rule. “Honesty is the best policy,” said Jefferson after admitting that he had just farted. “I smelled it. I dealt it. That’s how it goes.” But several years ago it would have gone differently. Jefferson would’ve blamed the dog.

In the summer of 2000, George decided that he was going to run the New York City Marathon. “One day this blonde bombshell, let’s call her Simone, walked into my store needing to get a stain removed from a suede jacket. I decided right then and there that I had to bang her.

Irate Vikings Fan Files Petition To Have ‘Favre’ Made Into The New F-Word

2007-10-01T15:15:41Z

(Minneapolis, MN) Fans of the Minnesota Vikings have had enough of storied Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre. “He beats us at Lambeau. He beats us in the dome, and he beats us in Madden NFL,” said lifelong Vikings fan Mike Sommers. “And yesterday he broke the record for most touchdown passes ever by a queer or non-queer quarterback against US…I’m sick of it. Enough is enough.”

Jesus Returns!

2007-07-25T15:05:59Z

(Pittsburgh, PA) I'm not sure how to write this, but Jesus Christ has returned! And he's in Pittsburgh! We got the word just an hour ago, that Jesus was tailgating in the parking lot of Heinz Field, the home of the defending Super Bowl Champions.

The media immediately surrounded the Savoir of Man and peppered him with questions. "Besides hanging in a football stadium parking lot, what are your plans for your Second Coming, a little judgment, some roughing up of evil?"

"Well after hanging with the fans, I plan to go in and watch the game," said the Messiah "And not to bum you out or anything, but this is not my Second Coming. Well okay, literally this is my Second Coming, but it's not THE Second Coming. I just came here to see my Steelers play. Okay?"

"Not the Second Coming? He's gotta be fucking kidding me," said Former Christian Coalition leader Ralph Reed "I don't get it. What about his glory? What about his followers getting to slaughter the unsaved masses in his name? What about that?"

President Bush, however, thinks it's the real deal, and he flew immediately to Pittsburgh, where he asked if he could sit at Jesus' right hand during the game. The Prince of Peace said no. "You see Raul here? He's a custodial engineer, who has really benefited from your tax cuts. He has the right seat. And Pittsburgh native and very funny man Dennis Miller has the left seat. And beside him is my sister Jenny. I don't have room for you on this one George. Sorry."

"Like I said today's all about The Steel Curtain baby! Now who wants another round, and who's turn is it to buy? Raul? Miller?...Mine? I thought I just bought...Okay, fine. You guys are lucky I'm in a forgiving mood today...Who am I kidding? I'm a forgiving mood everyday! Now let's go grabs some dogs and harass the Dolphins fans."

Next Tiger Woods Wets Pants

2007-04-21T17:03:11Z

(Denver, CO) For years the media and golf world have been looking in earnest for the next Tiger Woods. And everyone in the golf world thought 2 year-old Brayden Bozak was him. He can hit the ball 60 yards and has even said that when he grows up, he wants to be Tiger. "Well, unless we can get those pills C. Thomas Howell took in SOUL MAN, I don't see that happening," said Brayden's father Reid Bozak.

But all that doesn't matter now, because Brayden's dream ended yesterday when he wet his pants on the 18th green of the Cherry Creek Country Club. "I'm stunned. Tiger didn't wet his pants at this age," said Reid, while throwing a MERCEDES catalog into the trash "He knows that Mr. Wee Wee is for Mr. Potty not for the 18th green! Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for him to grow up." When asked about the incident Brayden said "I had too much juicy." Then he ran away to chase butterflies.

Golf experts are back at square one. They expected a lot from this kid, that he was the one. "If he can't hold his water by 2, then forget it," said golf legend Jack Nicklaus. "Now he's going to have to realize that he's not special, that he's regular."

The sponsors have already run for cover. "We gave that kid a lot of balls, but we can't have our balls getting wet," said the hooded Titleist VP Woody Jenkins from his dark office "But don't worry, there is another. An 18-month old boy in Nebraska named Jaguar Finklestein. He is not only potty-trained but already has three hole-in-ones under his belt. He's the one.

Barbaro Loses Battle With Leg, But Goes On To Win That Big Triple Crown In The Sky

2007-04-21T17:00:36Z

(Kennett Square, PA) Monday morning the sports world lost their beloved champion Barbaro, when he sadly bought the farm. The colt, who burst upon the scene last year by handily winning the Kentucky Derby, succumbed to the leg injury he suffered at the Preakness.

But not every piece of news spinning around the lost winner was sad. At 6:17 E.S.T., a Vatican spokesman released a statement asking fans not to shed tears for Barbaro but raise their hands in cheers. "Barbaro has moved on to greener pastures," said spokesman Silvio Calipari, "And in fact, I've just received confirmation, that he has gone on to win the Triple Crown in the sky."

"That comes as no surprise to me," said Barbaro's co-owner Gretchen Jackson. "Champions win wherever they are...I wish I could've seen it."

While most people are glad to know Barbaro is succeeding in the next world, some are wishing he were still here, so they could kill him, again.

"He's a bum. You here me? A bum!" said gambler and college drop out Jimmy McGinty. "I borrowed 10 grand and bet it that that dumb animal would not only survive his broken leg, but win the damn Triple Crown, down here!...I'm screwed!"

McGinty is not alone. There seem to be a lot of people, who by placing bets on Barbaro, have found themselves at the business end of a Louisville Slugger. "I could sit here all day and say they're damn idiots," said Philadelphia loan shark/bookie Lenny Marcese, "but that would be bad for business. Instead, for all you Barbaro fans, I'm just going to say that the odds are very good that Barbaro might be pulling a Jesus and coming back from the dead...If fact, I'd call it a sure thing."

When we tried to contact McGinty to ask him about the resurrection theory, a voice, much like Marchese's, answered and said that Jimmy had to go away forever....Well, at least Barbaro will have another friend with him in that winner's circle in the sky.

Manning Puts One Right Between The Eyes

2007-04-21T16:59:13Z

(Indianapolis, IN) He did it. Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning brought a Super Bowl trophy back to the city of Indianapolis. So according to a law that was passed in November, Prop P, 'This One (Murder) Is On Us Peyton', Manning gets to kill one person without going to jail.

"This is a great day for the city of Indianapolis," said Steven Turner, President of the Peyton Manning For God Fan Club "And a great day for this country. Finally, someone who is worthy to judge and execute us, can."

Now that Manning has his OO rating, Turner has turned his energy to helping Rocky Woodson, Prime Minister of the Reggie Miller For President Fan Club, with a similar law for the basketball great. But that has some law professors up in arms.

"These laws are setting a dangerous precedent," said Notre Dame law professor Alex Stone "that celebrities are different and better than the rest of us."

"But they are. That's why they're celebrated," said Turner "Whatever IT is. They have IT, in spades. And they should be able to use IT to do whatever they want, including killing those of us who are unworthy." Turner went on to say that giving celebrities a license to kill had become his life's work. And that he was not going to stop until every celebrity he liked had that license.

But earlier today Turner was stopped by his own creation, as Manning put one (and by one we mean a 9mm slug) right between his eyes. "I didn't want to do it," said Manning "But I felt I owed it to him and the rest of us to put an end to this bullshit."

Rocky Woodson, speaking from a secure location, said that Manning was right to terminate Turner, and that no one is above the law. No one, except for Reggie Miller.

Dallas Cowboys Win 6th Super Bowl!

2007-04-21T16:57:24Z

(Dallas, TX) Dallas Cowboys owner and General Manager Jerry Jones along with the rest of the Cowboys organization and nation are celebrating a record 6th Super Bowl win, as the Indianapolis Colts defeated the Chicago Bears 29-17 Sunday night in Miami. "We're champions too!" screamed Jones to hundreds of Cowboys gathering for a victory parade. "We did it. We did it!"

If this sounds confusing to you, considering that the Cowboys not only did not play in the Super Bowl, but also did not make it past the first round in the playoffs; you are not alone.

"Jerry is thinking like old college football," said ESPN anchor Chris Berman "He's saying that since they beat Indianapolis, and the Colts won the Super Bowl, they should at least share the Super Bowl championship."

If that's the thinking, then shouldn't the Philadelphia Eagles share the Super Bowl championship too, since they swept the Cowboys in the 06 season?

"You would think yes, but no," added Berman "In the Eagles' case they may have beaten the Cowboys, but they lost to the Colts. So they're out."

Using that logic means that every team who beat the Colts in the 2006 season, like the lowly Houston Texans, would have a share in the Super Bowl victory.

"Sounds good to me," said Texans Head Coach Gary Kubiak "Hey guys! We won the Super Bowl too!"

While the two other teams, the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars, who handed the Colts a loss prepare to celebrate their share of the Super Bowl championship, every other team is calling on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to stop the madness. But Goodell isn't sold that sharing a Super Bowl is madness. "Maybe the old college system has its merits," said Goodell "Maybe our whole playoff system is outdated. Maybe a series of bowl games is better...I'm going to have to think about this."

Upon hearing all the Super Bowl controversy, Indianapolis Colts quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" And his head coach Tony Dungy said, "They wouldn't pull this shit if I was white...Get me Al Sharpton!"

Who's Peyton Manning Going To Kill?

2007-04-21T16:55:46Z

(Indianapolis, IN) With Super Bowl XLI less than a week away and the Indianapolis Colts a favorite, the people of Indianapolis have only one question. Who is Peyton Manning going to kill?

Back in November the city passed, Prop P, 'This One (Murder) Is On Us Peyton'. Basically it said that if Peyton Manning wins the Super Bowl, he gets to kill one person, consequence free. And now Colts' fans are wondering who's that person going to be?

"I hope to God, it's not me," said Manning's gardener Mario Sanchez "I overcharged Mr. Manning for laying the sod in his backyard. It's not a big thing, but I've written my will out just in case."

"Peyton's not going to kill a gardener," said Steven Turner, author of Prop P and President of the Peyton Manning For God Fan Club "He's not even going to kill a fly. It's not in his benevolent nature. This Proposition was just about showing how much we care and respect Peyton."

"Well respect is exactly what I didn't show him, when I stole his milk in the fourth grade," said Kyle Hallmark, who went to elementary school with Peyton and now lives in Indianapolis "So he's probably going to kill me....(in tears) I don't want to die."

Our sources are reporting that there are at least 1100 people who truly think that Peyton Manning, come a Super Bowl victory, will kill them where they stand. They range from a former advertising executive, who told Manning that he didn't have what it takes to make it in NFL commercials to Peyton's paperboy Bobby, who keeps breaking his windows. But Peyton and the Manning family have repeatedly said that they all have nothing to worry about.

"We want everyone in the city of Indianapolis to hear this and let it sink in. Peyton is not going to kill any of you," said a Manning family spokesman "So please stop this nonsense, and come together to cheer our beloved Colts to victory."

"That being said, I'm still going to buy a Kevlar vest," added Sanchez "and root for the Bears."

In 'Heaven Can Wait' Switcheroo Saddam Enters Tony Romo

2007-04-21T16:44:22Z

(Dallas, TX) Local, national and world wide religious and paranormal experts are scratching their heads in disbelief. Sure they've seen movies and TV shows where the souls of the dead enter the bodies of the living, but none of them thought it could actually happen. But it has. In a Heaven Can Wait type switcheroo the soul of the deposed and recently executed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has entered the body of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo.

"We think Saddam entered Romo Sunday night, after the Cowboys lost to the Detroit Lions," said paranormal and Saddam expert Raj Ashoka "Romo was feeling down and was susceptible to the strong will of the former Iraqi dictator."

"We started to wonder what was going on with Tony," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones "When during Tuesday's film session he suggested, in Arabic, that we gas the players and families of the Detroit Lions."

"Last night, we confirmed it was Saddam inside of Romo," said Ashoka "After Saddam told us the name of his favorite childhood toy, a decapitated Shiite head."

But how did Saddam get into Romo? Ashoka said that after Saddam was executed, the former despot was greeted by the late actor James Mason (Who played an angel in the film Heaven Can Wait ). Mason told Saddam that there had been a little mistake, and that he could reenter a body for a short time. The body he chose was the leader of America's team.

Now for Cowboys' fans Saddam's timing couldn't be worse, considering that the NFL playoffs start this weekend, where the Cowboys will face last year's NFC champion the Seattle Seahawks.

"I don't care what Saddam did in his other life," said Cowboys fan Luke Hollister "He just better manage the game and get TO involved early."

Cowboys coach Bill Parcells agrees, "Now, I don't know what's going on, if Tony's in there or Saddam's in there. It doesn't matter. Who ever is in there cannot turn the ball over for us to have a chance to win."

Tony Romo/Saddam say they're ready and have developed a few wrinkles in the game plan like drinking the blood of Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren's wife during a naked bootleg and planting an IUD in the jock of Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander.

"I don't know about those plays," added Parcells "But I do like the aggressiveness that Saddam has brought to the table. I kind of wish he would have entered the bodies of my entire defense."

Considering that Tony Romo's body now holds two souls, former Cowboys starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe has been bumped from the number 2 guy to the number 3 guy. Bledsoe's response, "I'm getting too old for this shit."