(New York, NY) Thanks to Eli Manning and the New York football Giants' win over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, it looks like there's not only a new first family in football but also a new Fifth Family in New York City.

Last year  Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl for the city of  Indianapolis, and the city rewarded him with a free killing.

Now it's Eli's turn.

Right after the Giants' victory New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg with the blessing of the FBI, NSA and the United States Justice Department offered Eli a similar deal.

"I know me, and I may be able to shatter the dreams of Tom Terrific and the city of Boston, but I'm not like Peyton. I can't pull off hosting Saturday Night Live or kill an actual person," said Eli during a celebration breakfast. "But because this type of opportunity doesn't come around everyday, I knew I had to do something for New York."

"And he did," said Mayor Bloomberg. "About an hour to go, on Eli's order I gave the go ahead for the feds to hit the Gambino family, and as we speak they (the Gambinos) are being rounded up and sent to GITMO." 

According to the deal, the Gambinos ( Rumored to be Patriots fans who would call up Eli say he sucked then hang up.) will be held as enemy combatants and will face military tribunals in or around the year 2025.

Peyton Manning says his brother did the right thing and believes that Eli has a future in law enforcement.

"I just want to say that Eli Manning is a real New Yorker and an American hero," added Bloomberg. "And if or should I say when the Giants repeat, I can't wait to see who or what family will be shipped off to GITMO next."

Watch out Yoko, word is that Eli just found out that you broke up The Beatles, and he's furious.

(New York, NY) George Jefferson, a 42-year old New Jersey native and owner of a dry cleaning business in Hoboken, lives his life with one rule. “Honesty is the best policy,” said Jefferson after admitting that he had just farted. “I smelled it. I dealt it. That’s how it goes.” But several years ago it would have gone differently. Jefferson would’ve blamed the dog.

In the summer of 2000, George decided that he was going to run the New York City Marathon. “One day this blonde bombshell, let’s call her Simone, walked into my store needing to get a stain removed from a suede jacket. I decided right then and there that I had to bang her. So when she said that she was getting ready to run the New York City Marathon, I said me too.” But with no experience running, jogging or walking up more than 3 flights of stairs, George Jefferson had a tough road ahead of him.

“So like Marion Jones, I decided to bend the rules,” said George. “I started taking some HGH (human growth hormone) stuff called The Clear. And it was great. I went from getting dizzy after moving a load of whites from the washer to the dryer to running 10 miles (with his new trainer partner Simone) without breaking a sweat.”

Knowing that he was deceiving Simone but not caring, Jefferson continued to take The Clear. “Just like Marion Jones wanted those Olympic medals. I wanted Simone’s creamy thighs wrapped around my face. We both got lost within the desire to win.”

And win Jefferson did, or win for him. With the help of The Clear, he ran, finished and placed 678th in the 2000 New York City Marathon. Everyone George knew including Simone, who placed 789th, was impressed. Life was great. Jefferson’s business took off, Simone wrapped her thighs around his face, and he became a local hero until, like Jones, rumors about drug use started to circulate.

Jefferson, like Jones, went public to deny the rumors. “I did an interview with my 8-year old cousin’s school newspaper, where I denied any wrongdoing about my 678th place finish,” said Jefferson. “Lying to a bunch of kids, that was a new low; but Marion probably knows what I’m talking about.”

Jefferson continued to live with the lie for years, until the bottom fell out two weeks ago, when a pregnant Simone discovered George’s secret stash of The Clear in his basement. She confronted him. George, who had just read about Marion Jones’ ordeal, came clean. “I told her the truth. I said I took The Clear so I could run the marathon, wrap her thighs around my face and bang her. It felt good to be honest.”

Honesty however was not enough to save his relationship. The next day Simone left George, had an abortion and moved to San Francisco. Jefferson says he deserves it. “Marion and I both deserve what we get. We lied.” When asked about what would have happened if he had run the New York City Marathon clean, George laughs. “Oh it would have been much different…If I had run that marathon clean, I bet that I would have finished…let’s see it’s October 8th in 2007…I would have finished…about ten minutes ago. Not great.”

As George picks up the broken pieces of his life and moves on, his only thought is to help other people not make the same mistake that he and Jones made. He plans to write a book about his experience titled, George And Marion In The Clear, An American Tragedy. And he’s trying to reach the younger generation where he tells the next generation of men, “Do not take HGH drugs to get into a girl’s pants. Do it the old fashion way with booze and cocaine.”

(Minneapolis, MN) Fans of the Minnesota Vikings have had enough of storied Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre. “He beats us at Lambeau. He beats us in the dome, and he beats us in Madden NFL,” said lifelong Vikings fan Mike Sommers. “And yesterday he broke the record for most touchdown passes ever by a queer or non-queer quarterback against US…I’m sick of it. Enough is enough.”

So this morning Sommers is taking a personal day from his job as a copywriter at a local advertising company and filing a petition to have the name of Favre made into Minnesota’s universal curse word or the new F-word. “So instead of saying any of the seven words you can’t say on television, (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits), one in Minnesota, and hopefully the world, would just say that’s horseFavre. Go Favre yourself. You’re mother’s a dirty Favresucker. You get the idea.”

It may seem like Sommers is full of Favre, but people in Minnesota are lining up to support him.

“This, and I mean it, is the greatest thing since sliced bread,” said Minneapolis baker Bill Ritter.

“Sommers gets a Favring A plus for creativity,” said schoolteacher Meredith Miles.

“Let’s Favre Favre in his Favre-hole and elect Mike Sommers for Favring President,” said comedian, Democratic Senatorial candidate and Minnesotan Al Franken.

Even Minnesota’s governor, Tim Pawlenty, is jumping onto the anti-Favre bandwagon. “It’s totally clear to anyone with half a brain that the reason the great state of Minnesota has not been able to bring home a Super Bowl victory has not been the fault of our own players or coaches failures to execute over the years, but of one blight to society, Brett Favre. So I stand with my fellow Vikings fans to say Brett Favre, you can kiss our Favre, your Favreless little motherFavring, Favresucker!…Wow, does that feel good!”

There’s no clue on how Brett Favre is going to take this attack on his name. Repeated calls to his Green Bay residence were sent directly to his voicemail, which has as an outgoing message saying, “Hi this is Green Bay Packer and Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl champion Brett Favre, leave a message.”

“We’re all going to leave a message Bret. And that message will be loud and clear, as soon as my petition has passed,” said new Minnesota legend Mike Sommers.

Even though, Sommers’ petition still has to pass through the Mayor’s office in Minneapolis, sources say it’s a done deal. So later on today Mike Sommers and his fellow Vikings fans will have their revenge and throughout Minnesota kids will be having their mouths washed out with soap for saying the word Favre.

(Pittsburgh, PA) I'm not sure how to write this, but Jesus Christ has returned! And he's in Pittsburgh! We got the word just an hour ago, that Jesus was tailgating in the parking lot of Heinz Field, the home of the defending Super Bowl Champions.

The media immediately surrounded the Savoir of Man and peppered him with questions. "Besides hanging in a football stadium parking lot, what are your plans for your Second Coming, a little judgment, some roughing up of evil?"

"Well after hanging with the fans, I plan to go in and watch the game," said the Messiah "And not to bum you out or anything, but this is not my Second Coming. Well okay, literally this is my Second Coming, but it's not THE Second Coming. I just came here to see my Steelers play. Okay?"

"Not the Second Coming? He's gotta be fucking kidding me," said Former Christian Coalition leader Ralph Reed "I don't get it. What about his glory? What about his followers getting to slaughter the unsaved masses in his name? What about that?"

President Bush, however, thinks it's the real deal, and he flew immediately to Pittsburgh, where he asked if he could sit at Jesus' right hand during the game. The Prince of Peace said no. "You see Raul here? He's a custodial engineer, who has really benefited from your tax cuts. He has the right seat. And Pittsburgh native and very funny man Dennis Miller has the left seat. And beside him is my sister Jenny. I don't have room for you on this one George. Sorry."

"Like I said today's all about The Steel Curtain baby! Now who wants another round, and who's turn is it to buy? Raul? Miller?...Mine? I thought I just bought...Okay, fine. You guys are lucky I'm in a forgiving mood today...Who am I kidding? I'm a forgiving mood everyday! Now let's go grabs some dogs and harass the Dolphins fans."

(Denver, CO) For years the media and golf world have been looking in earnest for the next Tiger Woods. And everyone in the golf world thought 2 year-old Brayden Bozak was him. He can hit the ball 60 yards and has even said that when he grows up, he wants to be Tiger. "Well, unless we can get those pills C. Thomas Howell took in SOUL MAN, I don't see that happening," said Brayden's father Reid Bozak.

But all that doesn't matter now, because Brayden's dream ended yesterday when he wet his pants on the 18th green of the Cherry Creek Country Club. "I'm stunned. Tiger didn't wet his pants at this age," said Reid, while throwing a MERCEDES catalog into the trash "He knows that Mr. Wee Wee is for Mr. Potty not for the 18th green! Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for him to grow up." When asked about the incident Brayden said "I had too much juicy." Then he ran away to chase butterflies.

Golf experts are back at square one. They expected a lot from this kid, that he was the one. "If he can't hold his water by 2, then forget it," said golf legend Jack Nicklaus. "Now he's going to have to realize that he's not special, that he's regular."

The sponsors have already run for cover. "We gave that kid a lot of balls, but we can't have our balls getting wet," said the hooded Titleist VP Woody Jenkins from his dark office "But don't worry, there is another. An 18-month old boy in Nebraska named Jaguar Finklestein. He is not only potty-trained but already has three hole-in-ones under his belt. He's the one.