RED STATE

Well finally you're talking about a real problem of mine. I can't tell you how many times I've ended up with buyer's remorse because the curtains were red and the carpet was needless to say, not red. What makes people think that's okay? It's false advertising and there should be something done about it.

Don't give me this nonsense that this is a matter of choice. A person does not have the choice to defraud another person. And especially another person who has spent several hundred dollars on the ballet, dinner and a bottle of red wine (that they didn't even like but got anyway, because another person liked it) okay?

This demands immediate action. Congress should pass The Anti-False Advertising Carpet Color Law of 2006 that I wrote. It says that brunette should mean brunette, blonde should mean blonde and for Christ's sake red should mean red! I also would recommend that a Curtain and Carpet division should be opened within The Department of Homeland Security. And don't worry about paying for it, we'll just cut the NEA, free lunches for kids (Believe me kids, there are no free lunches in life! The sooner you learn this, the better!) and the other BS welfare programs designed to keep people from working.

Trust me, the sooner we can get a handle on this, the sooner we can move on as a nation. I'm only thinking of our children and grandchildren. They don't deserve to be given a world where you can't tell a book by it's cover. I thank you.

BLUE STATE

I'm not really sure what you mean? Could you tell me? Oh.... Well what's wrong with that? Why is that a problem? I think it's nice to have some diversity and flare, don't you? Who wants them all to look the same? What kind of boring world would that be?

Besides it's a matter of choice. Women have a God given right to decide what to do with their own bodies, and if that means changing the carpet everyday or having no carpet at all, then that is there choice. And the government should do everything in its power to protect that right.

I think this argument about false advertising is just a bunch of hooey. What about toupees, teeth caps and people who wear baggy clothes? Aren't those all false advertising? And if we go after one type, don't we have to go after all of them?

What we need here is some legislation or a Constitutional Amendment to guarantee the freedom of curtains and carpets. I urge you to contact your Congressman or Congresswoman today. We cannot afford to sit on this problem. Thanks!

RED STATE

I can answer that question in one word. It's about damn time! Those sad people really piss me off with their 'woe is me' and 'won't you talk to me and tell me I'm not worthless?' attitudes. Well, I can't talk to them, because I've got stuff to do, like working in order to keep this economy going. So send them to Mars!

But, are there are too many sad shits to be able to send them all? I think we need some guidelines. And since you didn't provide any, allow me.

First, we should only send sad Christians, not Catholics but Christians. And we must do this, just in case they encounter other beings. We do not want to send the wrong message (i.e. Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, Scientology etc..) to the rest of the solar system or universe.

Second, we should send only women, sad young single Christian women. But with those women, we should send a role model. Someone older, someone who's been through the tough stuff in life and come out the other side stronger and wiser. For this role, I will volunteer.

You'll be surprised what I'll be able to accomplish, when left alone with 10 to 15 women for a couple years. Don't you worry God, America and planet Earth, I will make you proud.

BLUE STATE

Are you talking about the candy bar or planet? Because a Mars bar would hit the spot about now....You're talking about the planet, fine. And you want to send sad people there.

Well, even though I don't like to look at or talk to sad people, that doesn't mean that we should send them to another planet. That's not going to fix anything....But it would nice to be able take my son Freedom to school without seeing that same old lady moping at the Starlight Diner. That broken down bag of bones makes me want to drink. But, I have to support her right to be upset over her probably wasted life. So I can't advocate sending her into space.....or can I?

What if the trip to Mars was a form of treatment? Maybe sending these sad sacks into space would help them. It could give them a purpose, a chance to contribute to society again or for the very first time. I bet the long trip would build their self-esteem and by the time they landed on Mars, they would be the perfect representatives of the United States and the human race.

I don't think the founding fathers would have wanted us to turn our backs on the sad. So let's raise the taxes on the wealthy, (get Rob Reiner to write the bill) and send those melancholy monsters to Mars....Geez, I wish I was a little sad myself.

BLUE STATE 

Would you mind if I went first? 

RED STATE

My mom always told me that liberals go first.  

BLUE STATE 

Thanks.

The time for this government to address this issue is long long overdue. Is anybody aware that over 50 slippery kids die every year from falling through the grossly oversized leg holes in shopping carts? Maybe I'm crazy, but that fact that most of those 50 live in Blue States might have something to do with Bush turning a blind eye. I just think that the President should stop killing these kids, because that's what he's doing by doing nothing, he's killing them.

I'm sorry but this issue really hits close to home. On April 21, 2005 my twin boys, Heath and Hunter, were the victims of oversized leg holes. While I was walking through the organic fruit section, the boys slipped thru and landed on a rotten pile of pesticide corporate-grown tomatoes. Though they survived, they've never been the same. They can't see a shopping cart without screaming and scrambling for cover. How are they supposed to grow-up and be productive citizens without help from the government? They're going to need millions in aid.

Join with me to demand seat belts for grocery carts, now! All we have to do is raise taxes on the rich, cut defense spending, and tax the rich some more to cover the costs!....Thank you.

RED STATE

I don't see how this is a real problem. Why does the government have to get in everywhere? Aren't we free? Isn't this every parent's choice whether they want to put their kids in a grocery cart or leave them in the car? Or, why can't people just leave their kids at home with the nanny? It's pretty simple. Quit blaming Bush for everything bad that happens in this country! It's not his fault. It's Satan's. Now if you really want to protect those 50 kids a year, you should get on your knees and pray for their souls; so that when they fall and split open their little melons, they'll go to Heaven.

Also on a constitutional note, this is not a problem for the federal government. This is a local problem, and every community should decide what they want to do. But I think everyone should do what I proposed in my own community. I proposed that my church pay for optional safety straps for the grocery carts in exchange for the children pledging to attend 400 hours of Sunday school and/or church services. This seems like a complete win-win for everyone. The godless liberals get their safety straps and we get to keep the next generation of children from eternal fire and damnation.

Who's with me? Let us pray.

This is an interesting question because when I was younger I always thought singing cowboy Rex O'Herlihan was a sure bet to defeat communism. While attending Fargo-Moorhead University I even petitioned the state department to fire off handsome actor Henry Silva into Nam for some rice-eater Butt-Kicking! So of course I would support the Chuck Norris WMD.

Chuck Norris is certainly up to the task. He's already proven he can effectively kill any number of angry minorities with anti-western agendas. Using Chinese voodoo arts, or whatever it's called, in tandem with guns, tanks, flaming vision and beard power, Chuck would make this God loved nation he first Super...Duper Power!

Is there a downside to stationing Chuck Norris around the country as a visible threat to our aggressors? In the unlikely incident that we'd have to unleash a Chuck barrage, we would expose ourselves to his unpredictable temper. His Titan like destructive power is such that perhaps he could eliminate our own government. And we'd have to let him because once it gains momentum nothing, nothing can stop a Chuck Norris.

But I have faith we'd never have to use our beloved and feared Chuck. His threat is so great that no one would ever dream about attacking the USA. Because that would mean the end of the world as we know it, and the beginning of Chucktopia. Chuck help us.

BLUE STATE

Chuck Norris is already a weapon of mass destruction. He's a white male isn't he? But seeing no other viable options (Vin Diesel? Please) Let's do it. Let's take that archaic machismo of the Reagan era and make it our national arsenal.

Anyone with a pulse and access to CBS, knows that Mr. Norris would have no problem performing the role of our entire military complex. In fact with a Chuck Norris, we could drastically cut the Defense Budget and put that money to better uses like developing a hydrogen car, build more parks, women's shelters and schools. In fact we could institute a myriad of social programs that would enable us to eliminate the lower class completely.

So bring out the Chuck Norris out-of-date brand of groin punching. And let is serve as a warning to the corporate pirates, fascists and SUV drivers. A non denominational and all loving God willing, Chuck's visage of beards and boots will be the wake up call this world needs to embrace our differences, throw down our high-octane blood lust, and interlock our wallets for the greatest accessory of them all...a handbag made of peace and love.

And if you have any doubt, let's not forget that much more than the 'fictional' Superman, Chuck Norris stands for Truth, Justice and the American Way. Not to mention that he makes me weak at the knees. Chuck, if your reading this, call me...214-555-8893. I used to be a gymnast. :)