Politics

Rudy Giuliani Changes His Name To ‘Rudy 9/11’

Chris — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:46:28 +0000

(Miami, FL) Yesterday while campaigning to become the Republican nominee for president, former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani made a startling announcement. “Mayor Giuliani has decided to change his name from Giuliani to 9/11,” said Giuliani’s spokesman Jon Williamson. “So, from this moment on, his legal name will be Rudolph or Rudy 9/11.”

“And I just want to make the point that by changing my name to 9/11, I am not trying to take advantage of 9/11 in any way,” said Mayor 9/11 during a campaign speech about 9/11.

Bush Puts White Anglo-Saxon Males On Endangered Species List

Chris — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 16:01:10 +0000

(Washington D.C.) For years environmentalists and animal rights activists have accused President George W. Bush and his administration for turning a blind eye to the world’s environmental issues. But today the President shot back at his critics by introducing a new conservation plan called The Brooks Brothers Act of 2007.

“With this Act, I am putting White Anglo-Saxon Males, Protestant or Catholic, on the endangered species list,” said Bush. “With the rising numbers of Latinos, Asians and other off-white males, we haven’t identified yet, it was time to take action in order to protect a vital national and global resource.”

Pentagon Unveils The “Try And Follow Us Home” Map

Chris — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:32:30 +0000

Larry Craig, “Just Because You Suck A Little Thingamajig Doesn’t Make You A Watchamacallit”

Chris — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 15:02:28 +0000

(Boise, Idaho) The dark spectre of sexual ambiguity has descended upon Republican Senator Larry Craig, who was arrested on June 11th by a plainclothes officer investigating complaints of lewd conduct in a men's restroom at the Minneapolis airport.

But everything’s okay, says Craig.

“I just want everyone in Idaho to know that I am as straight as an Indian arrow, and that just because someone might suck a little Thingamajig doesn’t make that person a Watchamacallit,” said the Senator while standing next to his wife/beard.

Congress Solves Healthcare Crisis By Requiring Citizens To Get $100,000 Jobs

Chris — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 15:10:23 +0000

(Washington D.C.) The nation’s capital was buzzing this morning, buzzing with the satisfaction of a job well done. “We did it,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid giving House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a high five. “We solved the healthcare crisis!” “ And it feels good,” said Pelosi “It feels real good to know that we have finally helped the American people.”

U. S. Congress To Send Iraq’s Founding Fathers Giant Crate Of Powdered Wigs

Chris — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:15:13 +0000

(Washington D.C.) A report due in Washington this week will suggest that Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki’s Shiite dominated government has not met 1 of the 18 benchmarks laid out earlier this year with President Bush. And that fact is driving Democratic and Republican lawmakers nuts. “I don’t get it,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid “they’re Iraq’s founding fathers…they need to found.”

‘No Fly List’ Scores Big Win As Jean Valjean Is Caught!

Chris — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 14:50:23 +0000

(Washington D.C.) The Transportation Security Administration finally has something to crow about. The embattled agency has scored a big, big win thanks to their controversial ‘No Fly List’.

“We caught Jean Valjean!” said TSA chief Kip Hawley “This guy has been evading the law for over a century and we got him! Not the CIA, not the FBI and not the Secret Service but us! Yeah!” Hawley added that his people needed this win after the Andrew Speaker TB mess, the Monica Emmerson sippy cup fiasco and the 60 Minutes story about their outdated ‘No Fly List’.”

2032 Presidential Candidate Puts Venezuela "On Notice"

Chris — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 23:43:02 +0000

(Oklahoma City, OK) Monica Swafford is an abnormally bright 10 year-old girl with a love for Hilary Duff, puppies and politics. Last week while Republicans and Democrats were gearing up for the 2008 Presidential election, Monica announced her intention to run in 2032 and put the South American nation of Venezuela and it's "elected" leader Hugo Chavez "On Notice".

"Mr. Chavez, you need to get your C-R-A-P in order," said Swafford during a campaign stop in her kitchen for milk and cookies "because if you haven't reinstated a true market economy by the time I take my oath, there's going to be some real T-R-O-U-B-L-E."

Chavez is not Swafford's only target. She also has put "On Notice" Zimbabwe, China and Luxembourg, all for human rights violations.

Though Chavez and the other countries have more than twenty-five years to comply, they shouldn't take this young girl lightly. Monica is the only child ever elected to a neighborhood council (we think), where she fought hard to install lights in the pool (so kids could swim at night) and allow anyone to sell their homemade snacks. "I'm a big believer in the entrepreneur," added Swafford.

Most 10 year-olds spend Friday nights watching movies and putting on make-up with glitter, but from now on Swafford will spend hers fundraising and writing out her policy ideas. She believes in a flat tax system, a strong military and a nationwide bedtime of ten o'clock for children under thirteen.

"I know this journey is not going to be easy," said Swafford "That's why I'm starting now. So when I reach 35, which by the way is very old, I'll be ready." Before becoming President, Monica also plans to have a child out of wedlock and overcome a future addiction to Meth. "Overcoming those obstacles will only endear me to the voters," added Swafford "They'll see that Monica Swafford doesn't have one ounce of 'quit' in her...You hear that Chavez?"