(Miami, FL) Yesterday while campaigning to become the Republican nominee for president, former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani made a startling announcement. “Mayor Giuliani has decided to change his name from Giuliani to 9/11,” said Giuliani’s spokesman Jon Williamson. “So, from this moment on, his legal name will be Rudolph or Rudy 9/11.”
“And I just want to make the point that by changing my name to 9/11, I am not trying to take advantage of 9/11 in any way,” said Mayor 9/11 during a campaign speech about 9/11. “There is no need to be scared, like there was on 9/11. But if you are nervous about being blown to bits by Islamic terrorists, like what happened on 9/11, just know that I will stare down the enemy and see you through, just like I did on 9/11, because I am Rudy 9/11. That’s Rudy 9-1-1.”
Despite the criticisms from journalist Keith Olbermann, Senator Joe Biden and scores of 9/11 survivors, Rudy 9/11’s numbers shot up 10 points over night. But Mayor 9/11 thinks it has more to do with his message of economic reform and hope than 9/11.
“While voters do associate me with 9/11 and being able to handle a chaotic situation like 9/11. I’m about more than just 9/11,” said Rudy 9/11, wearing a t-shirt that bears his new name, 9/11. “I’m about making sure American jobs stay in America and hoping that if or when another 9/11 happens, I’m the president.”
When asked, all the other remaining presidential candidates, Republican and Democrat, said that Rudy's new move is desperate and pandering.
In other news, Republican presidential contender Mike Prince-Of-Peace (formerly Mike Huckabee) said that he represents real hope, which includes an all-you-can-eat fish and bread buffet, to America and the world.