The 2008 elections are in the history books (most of them). Last week The Lost News highlighted 3 local ballot Measures. Here are the results.

First: Measure W – The George W. Bush Retaliatory Act of 2008

This initiative asked the citizens of Crawford, Texas to prohibit President George W. Bush from running for and serving in any public office within the legal limits of Crawford. The people said YES with 93% of them voting for Measure W. So it seems that Dubya is done in government...only eight years too late.

Second: Measure N – The 2008 Obama Election Security And Kick In The Groin Act

This initiative on the ballot in Raleigh, North Carolina asked if its African American citizens would be allowed to kick any Caucasian man in the groin, for a period of 20 years, if Illinois Senator Barack Obama lost the 2008 presidential election. The Measure passed with 81% for and 19% against, but Obama won. So Whitey, your nuts are safe…for now.

Third: Measure C – The 2008 Palin Wardrobe Act

This initiative asked the citizens of Wasilla, Alaska to sell 160,000 dollars in bonds in order to buy the designer clothes that the Republican National Committee bought for Sarah Palin, just so they could give them back to her. Well, the people of Wasilla got too busy making meth, so that they could use that money to help buy the clothes, that they missed the vote…The Measure failed, gaining only two votes, reportedly from the former Mayor and her First Dude.

That’s it for 2008. Thanks for paying attention, and come back tomorrow to see a column in favor of hunting the Japanese.

Today The Lost News is taking you to bear and meth country, Wasilla, Alaska. The buzz in Sarah Palin’s hometown is about Measure C – The 2008 Palin Wardrobe Act or more commonly known as The Wasilla Shopping Spree. If passed, Measure C, would allow the city of Wasilla to sell bonds in order to purchase all of the clothes that the Republican National Committee bought for Sarah Palin. Below is the official version plus arguments for and against.

Measure C – The 2008 Palin Wardrobe Act

Shall the citizens of Wasilla, Alaska sell 160,000 dollars in bonds in order to buy the designer clothes that the Republican National Committee bought for our beloved Sarah Palin, for the sole purpose of giving them back to her?

Argument for:

Oh folks, don’t cha know that Sarah has made us so darn proud. She put our little town on the map by mixing it up with that horrible Joe Biden and his America hating pal Barack Obama. Now that she’s done so much for us, we must give back to her. And what better way is there to tell America’s number one hockey mom that you care than with the gift of used designer fashions? People, Sarah’s going to need those clothes, if she wins (to get all mavericky in the White House) and if she loses (so that she can run in 2012). So get off your duff, put your snowshoes on and vote YES for Measure C!

Amanda Yarns, Mayor of Wasilla

Another argument for:

I also urge everyone to vote YES on Measure C. I can’t wait to get Sarah, looking like a million bucks, into that White House. And though I’d love give some money and buy those fancy clothes myself, I can’t. I had to spend my last dime to pay for the rape kit at the hospital….So let’s sell some bonds. Vote YES for Measure C!

J. Smith, citizen

Argument against:

Folks, come on. Get some common sense, will ya? Wasilla has no business selling these bonds and saddling our children with debt. However, I do agree that we should get those designer duds for Sarah. But if we can’t pay for those clothes with cold cash, then we should not buy those clothes. Fortunately, I have an idea on how we can raise all the cash we need. All we have to do is use our natural resources, the stuff we’ve got right here in Wasilla. Yes, I’m talking about selling meth. If we become the largest meth dealer to the rest of Alaska and the lower 48, then we can get those clothes for Sarah. Vote NO for Measure C and start selling meth!

Katherine Filmore, Methamphetamine Dealer

Counter argument against:

Why don’t we just do both, sell the bonds and the meth? That way we could give Sarah her clothes and build that Bridge to Nowhere. Come to my place and we’ll discuss it over some moose-burgers and beer.

Amanda Yarns, Mayor of Wasil

That’s it folks. That concludes our examination of 3 local ballot initiatives from around the United States. After Tuesday's election, we’ll announce which ones passed and which ones failed. Until then, have a good day and remember to vote.

Today The Lost News is traveling to Raleigh, North Carolina to examine a local ballot initiative, Measure N – The 2008 Obama Election Security And Kick In The Groin Act
or more commonly known as The Nutcracker Act.

The measure, if passed and coupled with a Barack Obama election loss, would allow the African American residents of Raleigh to kick white men in the nuts. Polling shows that Measure N is favored to pass by a 20-point margin…Below is the official ballot version with arguments for and against.

Measure N – The 2008 Obama Election Security And Kick In The Groin Act

Shall the citizens of Raleigh, North Carolina allow its African American citizens to kick any Caucasian man in the groin, for a period of 20 years, if Illinois Senator Barack Obama loses the 2008 presidential election?

Argument for:

People of Raleigh, we need a change. The country needs a change. So we must elect the change candidate, Barack Obama. But, in case Obama does not win (i.e. The election is stolen), we in the African American community are going to need a constructive outlet for our anger. None of us want to see riots with cars set ablaze and storefront windows smashed out. So that’s why I urge you to vote for The Nutcracker Act. In the event of a McCain victory, allowing us to kick white men in the nuts, for 20 years, will be the only way to keep the peace…But it’s up to you white people. Wake up and vote for Obama and YES on Measure N.

Dr. Reginald Jefferson, concerned citizen

Argument against:

The Nutcracker Act must not pass. Not because it’s blackmail (literally), but because it’s not blackmail. Dr. Jefferson what you don’t know, is that white men, like me, love to get kicked in the nuts. Heck, we get off on it. (In fact, I’m kicking myself in the nuts as I write this!) We have clubs: Masons, Elks, and NAMBLA; that have been created just so that we can kick ourselves in the nuts. I know that you put in a lot of hours to write this Measure and get it on the ballot, and I hate to see all your hard work go down the drain, but The Nutcracker Act is a loser. So people of Raleigh, unless you want to see a bunch of white guys ejaculating in public, I urge you to vote NO on Measure N.

Christofer Collins, a more concerned citizen

Counter argument against:

Mr. Collins, thank you for your concern. I did not realize that white men liked to be kicked in the nuts. If true, you’re point about The Nutcracker Act being a loser is correct. We will then have to go to plan B, The Nut-Removal Act, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Dr. Reginald Jefferson, a truly concerned citizen

Counter counter argument against:

I urge everyone to vote for Barack Obama and Measuer N. In fact, anyone who needs a ride to the polls can call me. Obama 08!

Christofer Collins, a citizen with a minivan

In the week before the 2006 elections The Lost News highlighted several local ballot initiatives from around the country. This week The Lost News will highlight three.

The first, a Measure, comes from the small town of Crawford, Texas. Its official name is Measure W – The George W. Bush Retaliatory Act of 2008. But it's known locally as the 'Thanks But No Thanks Dubya' Act. The Measure, if passed, would bar George W. Bush from seeking any public office in the town of Crawford….Below is the official ballot version with arguments for and against.

Measure W – The George W. Bush Retaliatory Act of 2008

Shall the concerned citizens of Crawford, Texas use Measure W to prohibit George W. Bush from running for and serving in any public office within the legal limits of Crawford?

Argument for:

My friends, family and concerned citizens of Crawford, the future can be a scary prospect. We have no idea what it will bring, and we cannot protect ourselves from every possibility. But we can protect ourselves from George W. Bush. The President will be coming home to Crawford in January, and we must make sure that he stays busy at his ranch, clearing brush, biking and driving his truck. We must make sure that he stays far far away from our local government. Dubya has done enough. This November 4th, please think of your children and grandchildren and vote YES on Measure W.

Mayor Warren Christopher

Argument against:

We in Crawford should be ashamed of ourselves. Measure W is a travesty. Dubya has served this nation with distintction, and as a free citizen, he should be able to do whatever he wants including participating in local politics. But, I can see Mayor Christopher's side of things. And I also know that the President is tired of being the Decider. So, I believe I have an idea that will work for both Crawford and Dubya. Here's the idea: we, the town of Crawford, bestow on the George W. the title of Duke of Crawford. We give this noble man a noble title.

James Baker III

Counter argument against:

Duke of Crawford? That could possibly be the worst and the best idea, that I have ever heard. Look Jim, I'm all for making him a Duke, Baron, Earl or whatever, if it will keep him away from City Hall.

Mayor Warren Christopher

Counter counter argument against:

Chris, the Duke of Crawford will be far too busy playing with his cape and clearing brush with his sword, to bother with us peasants....But be warned, along with the title of Duke will also come the right of primo nocte.

James Baker III

Counter counter counter argument against:

If we pass Measure W, I can live with that.

Mayor Warren Christopher

Counter counter counter counter argument against:

Then we have a deal.

James Baker III

It appears that Measure W is a lock, but we’ll find out for sure on November 4th.

(New York, NY) Bill Clinton, again, has shocked the political world. Sunday afternoon, during a short press conference at Ray’s Famous Pizza, the former President said that this country is in dire need of change.

“That’s why I have decided to withdraw as an advisor from Hillary’s campaign,” said Bill. “And join Obama's campaign as the senior advisor.”

The response from Hillary Clinton’s campaign was that of surprise. “I can't believe it,” said Clinton’s campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson. "I can't believe he would....wait a second. You know what, this makes perfect sense. Bill’s wild behavior: the remarks comparing Obama to Jesse Jackson, wandering off during campaign appearances and calling Hillary old and forgetful in regard to her Bosnia visit, they were all his way of sabotaging her.....Shit, I can't believe I didn't see that earlier.”

Bill insists that he did not sabotage Hillary. “I just realized that there has been a Clinton or Bush on the presidential ticket since 1980. That struck me as weird. So I think it’s time to turn the page and pave the way for the next generation. Besides, having one president in the family is enough for any family.”

But what about a Vice President? Rumors are starting to circulate that the real reason Bill is defecting to Obama's camp is that he's going to be put on the ticket as Obama's VP.

Obama has been silent, but the former president dismissed the idea as a fairytale. "But having two black candidates on the ticket would be something, wouldn't it?"

"It will never happen," said Joe Klein, author of the book The Natural: Bill Clinton's Misunderstood Presidency. "Even if President Clinton signed on as Obama's VP, he would take over the spotlight and sabotage the whole thing. He can't stand being a second fiddle, not to Hillary, not to anyone. Like fidelity, it's not in his DNA...And Hillary knows that."

Klein must be right, because Senator Clinton is not lashing out at her husband. Instead she has changed her name to Hillary Rodham, leaving Bill an opening to remain the only Clinton president and her, if she should win, the only Rodham president. That's love.