(New York, NY) Bill Clinton, again, has shocked the political world. Sunday afternoon, during a short press conference at Ray’s Famous Pizza, the former President said that this country is in dire need of change.

“That’s why I have decided to withdraw as an advisor from Hillary’s campaign,” said Bill. “And join Obama's campaign as the senior advisor.”

The response from Hillary Clinton’s campaign was that of surprise. “I can't believe it,” said Clinton’s campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson. "I can't believe he would....wait a second. You know what, this makes perfect sense. Bill’s wild behavior: the remarks comparing Obama to Jesse Jackson, wandering off during campaign appearances and calling Hillary old and forgetful in regard to her Bosnia visit, they were all his way of sabotaging her.....Shit, I can't believe I didn't see that earlier.”

Bill insists that he did not sabotage Hillary. “I just realized that there has been a Clinton or Bush on the presidential ticket since 1980. That struck me as weird. So I think it’s time to turn the page and pave the way for the next generation. Besides, having one president in the family is enough for any family.”

But what about a Vice President? Rumors are starting to circulate that the real reason Bill is defecting to Obama's camp is that he's going to be put on the ticket as Obama's VP.

Obama has been silent, but the former president dismissed the idea as a fairytale. "But having two black candidates on the ticket would be something, wouldn't it?"

"It will never happen," said Joe Klein, author of the book The Natural: Bill Clinton's Misunderstood Presidency. "Even if President Clinton signed on as Obama's VP, he would take over the spotlight and sabotage the whole thing. He can't stand being a second fiddle, not to Hillary, not to anyone. Like fidelity, it's not in his DNA...And Hillary knows that."

Klein must be right, because Senator Clinton is not lashing out at her husband. Instead she has changed her name to Hillary Rodham, leaving Bill an opening to remain the only Clinton president and her, if she should win, the only Rodham president. That's love.

(New York, NY) A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, Senator Hillary Clinton claims that she proved herself credible to become President of the United States and commander-in-chief.

“While my opponent was making a speech somewhere, I was an X-Wing pilot, destroying the Death Star,” said Clinton during a speech at Hunter College science fiction fair.

This new claim is surprising considering the gaffe Clinton made regarding a 1996 trip to Bosnia. She claimed to have landed amid gunfire, but video of her visit shows her landing amid children reciting poetry.

“I obviously misspoke about Bosnia. It was St. Patrick’s Day and I was a little hammered, ” said the Senator. “But I am telling the truth about being an X-Wing pilot.”

Clinton challenged TLN and anyone else to prove her wrong.

“I don’t think Senator Obama has ever flown a kite, much less saved the rebellion from the grips of the evil Empire,” added Clinton. “Those were good times.”

Senator Obama, on vacation with his family, countered his rival’s claim. “If Hillary was an X-Wing fighter pilot, that means she is older than Senator McCain. And if that’s the case, I think she and our nation would be better served by her starting a well deserved retirement.”

Clinton quickly responding by saying that she was not older than McCain. “You see, I was brought here through a worm hole, or I was frozen and thawed out in the 20th Century, or….shit….Did I ever tell you about the time I invaded Grenada and was shot down behind enemy lines while experiencing amnesia?”

(New York, NY) Monday, fresh from a second place finish in the Wyoming Caucus and the claim from former Obama campaign advisor Samantha Power that she would stoop to anything to win the 2008 Democratic nomination for president, Senator Hillary Clinton officially kicked off her 2012 re-election campaign.

“I can’t believe how much time has passed and how much we’ve accomplished," Clinton told a capacity crowd. "But let me tell you something, we’ve got a lot more work left to do...So how about another four years America?”  

“I think the American people would be crazy not to re-elect Hillary,” said Howard Wolfson, Hillary’s 2012 Campaign Manager and her 2008 campaign Communications Director. “She has been an exceptional leader in security, education and putting our health care system on the right track. And I think by saying she’s already been doing the job of President of the United States just shows that she has the experience to be President of the United States...again.”

During her speech Monday, Clinton talked about the turning point in the 2008 election. “I’d have to say, the turning point was the day Senator Barack Obama bowed out of the race, because he knew that he did not yet have the right experience to lead this country. In my opinion his acquiescence was nothing short of heroic. Mr. Vice-President I thank you and a grateful nation thanks you!”

Senator Obama, speaking from a campaign stop in Mississippi, said that he appreciated Senator Clinton’s kind words, but that he was too busy picking a site for his Presidential library to, "acquiesce shit."

On Wall Street, before entering a Republican fundraiser, a very agitated Senator John McCain slammed his fist onto a cab and screamed, "Hey, I'm nominated over here! I'm nominated over here!”

(Cleveland/OH and Austin/TX) Yesterday the voters in Ohio and Texas made a statement. They are not ready to go black. While some voters will say that it’s because once you go black you never go back, there’s another reason.

“We’re afraid of Obama’s big black uhemm, you know,” said Margaret W. a Cleveland mother of two. “It’s got to be much bigger and scarier than Hillary’s, and since I can barely handle my husband’s very white thingy, there’s no way I could handle Obama.”

“This isn't a race issue. It's a size issue, and I value my ability to walk way too much to start messing with a big black cock-a-doodle-do,” said Joanne K. a retired teacher from Houston. “I have friends who live in Illinois, Colorado and Missouri. They voted for Obama, and now they can't walk straight."

“I’m intrigued by Obama’s big black rock,” said Skip L. a Dallas area male model. “But I just don’t know if I’ve got the right stuff  to handle it. I make my living with my face, and I can’t afford to get stretch marks.”

When asked about the differences between Hillary and Obama on the issues of Iraq, the economy and universal health care, none of the voters we talked to could make a serious distinction.

“That stuff doesn’t matter,” added Margaret. “What matters is whether or not you want to take a chance on a big black inexperienced, you know. I don't. I can't afford it, and I don't think America can either.”

In other news, Senator John McCain, now the presumptive Republican nominee, wanted to remind everyone that he's got big huge brass balls.