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    Friday
    Jan112008

    Rudy Giuliani Changes His Name To ‘Rudy 9/11’

    GiulianiSpeech.jpg(Miami, FL) Yesterday while campaigning to become the Republican nominee for president, former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani made a startling announcement. “Mayor Giuliani has decided to change his name from Giuliani to 9/11,” said Giuliani’s spokesman Jon Williamson. “So, from this moment on, his legal name will be Rudolph or Rudy 9/11.”

    “And I just want to make the point that by changing my name to 9/11, I am not trying to take advantage of 9/11 in any way,” said Mayor 9/11 during a campaign speech about 9/11. “There is no need to be scared, like there was on 9/11. But if you are nervous about being blown to bits by Islamic terrorists, like what happened on 9/11, just know that I will stare down the enemy and see you through, just like I did on 9/11, because I am Rudy 9/11. That’s Rudy 9-1-1.”

    Despite the criticisms from journalist Keith Olbermann, Senator Joe Biden and scores of 9/11 survivors, Rudy 9/11’s numbers shot up 10 points over night. But Mayor 9/11 thinks it has more to do with his message of economic reform and hope than 9/11.

    “While voters do associate me with 9/11 and being able to handle a chaotic situation like 9/11. I’m about more than just 9/11,” said Rudy 9/11, wearing a t-shirt that bears his new name, 9/11. “I’m about making sure American jobs stay in America and hoping that if or when another 9/11 happens, I’m the president.”

    When asked, all the other remaining presidential candidates, Republican and Democrat, said that Rudy's new move is desperate and pandering.

    In other news, Republican presidential contender Mike Prince-Of-Peace (formerly Mike Huckabee) said that he represents real hope, which includes an all-you-can-eat fish and bread buffet, to America and the world.

    Tuesday
    Nov062007

    Bush Puts White Anglo-Saxon Males On Endangered Species List

    iStock_WASM.jpg(Washington D.C.) For years environmentalists and animal rights activists have accused President George W. Bush and his administration for turning a blind eye to the world’s environmental issues. But today the President shot back at his critics by introducing a new conservation plan called The Brooks Brothers Act of 2007.

    “With this Act, I am putting White Anglo-Saxon Males, Protestant or Catholic, on the endangered species list,” said Bush. “With the rising numbers of Latinos, Asians and other off-white males, we haven’t identified yet, it was time to take action in order to protect a vital national and global resource.”

    “Bravo, Mr. President, bravo,” said Charles Picklesworth III, president of the White Anglo-Saxon Male Association of America or WASMAA. “Thanks for throwing us a life line. The ice berg of economic dominance was starting to melt beneath our wingtips, and we were getting dangerously close to becoming middle class.”

    The President promised that The Brooks Brothers Act of 2007 would provide a safe haven for the WASM. “And allow them to get back to their pre-1990 numbers.”

    If the BBA is passed by Congress (It looks like a lock. Even Hillary is for it.), White Anglo-Saxon Males will receive protection from taxes, beatings, criticism about their pleated pants, parody, satire, integration, gravity (if possible) and traffic laws.
     
    “This is a great day for America,” said WASM and pundit Pat Buchanan. “Because we need the WASMs. This country was not founded by Gonzales, Chang or Abdullah; it was founded by Washington, Hamilton and Jefferson. And they did a fine job.”

    “Really the WASM has done a fine job throughout history,” said Bush’s former brain, Karl Rove. “Because by stacking the deck in our favor, we’ve saved the world. We've created democracy, bow ties and baseball. What have the non-WASMs created besides poverty, soccer and AIDS?”

    Critics of the BBA don’t know where to begin. “I don’t know where to begin,” said the Reverend Al Sharpton. “Except besides creating baseball, they've also created Jim Crow laws, Der Kommissar singer Falco and Whiggers. What’s so good about that?”

    “Well, I would be happy to sit down and explain that to the Reverend,” said President Bush, while signing the BBA into law. “Just as soon as he pays the 2500 dollar fine for violating The Brooks Brothers Act of 2007.”
    Monday
    Sep102007

    Pentagon Unveils The “Try And Follow Us Home” Map

    NewWorldMap2.jpg

     
    (Washington D.C.) We have all heard the phrase from President Bush, Secretary Rice, former Secretary Rumsfeld and many others, “We must fight Al Qaeda over there in Iraq, so that we don’t have to fight them over here.”

    The thinking is that if we leave Iraq the terrorists will follow us home to create a new front in the War on Terror. But in preparation for a possible military pullout, the Pentagon has unveiled a new strategy that will make it nearly impossible for the terrorists to follow us home. The strategy is a new map called the “Try and Follow Us Home” map. And as this article was being written that map was being airdropped all over Iraq.

    “The top minds in the Pentagon spent almost a year perfecting this map,” said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “We think we have come up with the best way to protect the American people.”

    “This is nothing short of brilliant,” said President Bush. “But the best thing is that the new map is made up of recycled copies of the Constitution. Pretty good huh?”

    “I’m impressed. Bush has finally done something to get us out of that Iraq mess,” said Joe Perkins, a lawyer from Lawrence, Kansas. “I stand corrected for calling him a retarded dipshit ball-sniffer.”

    “I have to say that I am also impressed,” said Democratic presidential frontrunner Senator Hilary Clinton. “And since most U.S. Americans can’t find the Unites States on a map anyway, I think this “Try and Follow Us Home” map will work like a charm. In fact, I see no down side.”

    And neither does Russian president Vladimir Putin. “This map will give me the chance to get some things done,” said Putin in between push-ups. “Now I will be able to plausibly ignore intelligence reports of an imminent attack. And after that attack, I will be able to strike back at a country that did not attack us, take more pictures of my buff pecs and pull East Berlin back into the bosom of mother Russia. Thank you United States Pentagon for your map, thank you.”

    “Anything we can do to help stabilize the world good buddy,” said President Bush to Putin. “We’re just glad to do it.”

    Wednesday
    Aug292007

    Larry Craig, “Just Because You Suck A Little Thingamajig Doesn’t Make You A Watchamacallit”

    476px-Larry_Craig_official_portrait.jpg(Boise, Idaho) The dark spectre of sexual ambiguity has again descended upon Republican Senator Larry Craig, who was arrested on June 11th by a plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of lewd conduct in a men's restroom at the Minneapolis airport.

    But everything’s okay, says Craig.

    “I just want everyone in Idaho to know that I am as straight as an Indian arrow, and that just because someone might suck a little Thingamajig doesn’t make that person a Watchamacallit,” said the Senator while standing next to his wife/beard.

    While Craig’s declaration may seem sincere, “It doesn’t ring true to me,” said former straight as an Indian arrow Congressman Mark Foley. “For years I told people that I wasn’t a Watchamacallit. In fact I told them that being a Watchamacallit was a sin against humanity. But the whole time I was wolfing down Thingamajigs like there was no tomorrow.”

    “Me too,” said former righteous and straight as an Indian arrow evangelical pastor Ted Haggard. “And let me add this. If it looks like a Watchamacallit, walks like a Watchamacallit, talks like a Watchamacallit and sucks a Thingamajig like a Watchamacallit, it’s a Watchamacallit.”

    Some Craig supporters are thinking the Senator might be Acey Deucey. “Maybe he likes Thingamajigs and Hoo-haws,” said Boise resident Clark Hendricks.

    “Yeah, that guy’s on to something,” said Craig. “Maybe I do like Thingamajigs and Hoo-haws. And maybe I need to go to a Thingamajig rehab center and restrict myself to an all Hoo-haw diet, like Jesus intended…But first I could really go for a Watchamacallit, the candy bar. Do they still make those?”

    Monday
    Jul162007

    Congress Solves Healthcare Crisis By Requiring Citizens To Get $100,000 Jobs

    US_House_Committee.jpg(Washington D.C.) The nation’s capital was buzzing this morning, buzzing with the satisfaction of a job well done. “We did it,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid giving House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a high five. “We solved the healthcare crisis!”

    “And it feels good,” said Pelosi, “feels real good to know that we have finally helped the American people.”

    Late last night the House and Senate each passed, by an overwhelming majority, the Health Reform Act of 2007. “This bill will finally guarantee healthcare for every single American,” said Senator Joe Leiberman, “by requiring every adult American to get a job that pays at least 100,000 dollars…That way, they can pay for their own healthcare.”

    President Bush, ecstatic, said that he can’t wait to sign the Health Reform Act into law. “Heck, I wish I had one of those pen type things, right now.”

    While the Congress and President Bush are popping the cork on the champagne, critics of the Health Reform Act say it’s unrealistic. “I’ve got a list of questions here. Like first, where are these 100,000 dollar jobs?” asked filmmaker Michael Moore to CNN's Wolf Blitzer before satellite problems forced his interview to be cut short.

    After CNN corrected its satellite issues, Senator Trent Lott answered the critics. “There are plenty of 100,000 dollar jobs available in a variety of terrific industries like lobbying, oil, gas, Iraqi reconstruction and porn…People these jobs are out there, just go get’em!”

    The public better get them soon, because if American citizens do not have a 100,000 dollar job by December 31st of this year, they will have to pay a 100,000 dollar fine and/or enlist in the Army.