Just announcing that like Congress and (the Birthers grasp of reality), I am taking a break...I will be back after Labor Day with more tasteful and kid-friendly stories.

See you in September,

Chris

Like anything in life, there are rules. They are,

1) Give a shout-out and link to the person/blog tagged you.

2) List Six Unimportant Things That Make You Happy.

3) Tag six of your favorite bloggers to play along.

4) Commenting on their blogs to let them know they’ve been tagged, (so they can get checked out by their doctor).

My favorite things?

1. Warm socks
2. Long sleeve t-shirts
3. Home made tacos
4. A good pen
5. Protected left turns
6. Sour Cream and Onion potato chips

Now, in no particular order, some blogs worth tagging.

1 Borowitz Report
2 RyanGarns.com
3 The Offended Blogger
4 Random Political Thoughts And News
5 No Regrets
6 Future Update

Enjoy

Today I thought that I would answer a few of your questions. 

 Niles,

My friends and I were arguing about this yesterday. Is it okay to fingerbang a woman while she's sleeping?

 Joe G., New Jersey

Frankie Strong

First, let me tell you that I am a blessed man. I have 16 kids, all toddlers. (That’s a lot more than Anthony Quinn ever had, so stick it AQ!) Well, actually I have 151/2 toddlers. Besides the two sets of boy twins, my girl twins, my fraternal twins, my five girls and two boys, I have Shiloh, my retarded son.

Now, this might be the beer ball and lack of sleep talking, but I know that for the good of our species, I should drown him. Right?

Frankie Strong

(Peoria, Ill) Remember me? I'm the sterile guy who just wanted to be a dad, (see article F*ck Anthony Quinn) the guy who hated the late Anthony Quinn and his baby making abilities, the guy who thought it would be a good idea to dig up Anthony Quinn and eat his balls in order to get some baby-making mojo.

That's me, and I bet you're wondering how it all played out.

Well, I did just what I said I would. I ate AQ's nuts. And if you think that I was caught, arrested, speedily convicted and send to rot in prison for ten years where I have been repeatedly used as a semen recycler, you'd be wrong. Like I said, I dug up the old man and ate what was left of his big raisin balls, but then I went home with no trouble at all.

After a restful sleep, I had to see if the old balls worked. So I called up this girl that I kind of like, Caroline, who more importantly already has kids (so I know her stuff works). I threw a bottle of wine down her throat then did my thing. But she didn't get knocked up. So I banged her again and nothing. I must've banged her ten times, and still there was nothing. I lost. It was clear that Quinn took his magic with him to the grave. Depressed, I went on a carnal bender. I must have shagged every legal woman in three counties. And when I was drained of baby making cell I could muster, I made peace with the fact that I would never be a father.

Then three weeks ago the phone rang. It was Caroline. She was pregnant! With twins! And she wanted to keep them! Wow! It turned out that eating a dead actor's scrotum, was a good idea after all.

Until last week, when I got a call from Julie, an 18- year old I picked up at J Crew, she was pregnant. Then more calls started to roll in from the likes of of my bartender fuck-buddy Holly, flight attendant friend Wendy, Wendy's mom Tina, my old real estate agent Brooke, my actress neighbor Tory, my mail carrier Joan, Joan's daughter Amy and my fitness trainer Mary,

Then there were the women I met on MySpace: advertising exec Heather, local TV producer Kristen, kindergarten teacher Tiffany, youth minister Susan, librarian Courtney and therapist Lisa.

They were ALL pregnant They ALL of  wanted to keep their babies, and they ALL wanted me to help support those babies. Listen there's no need for you to tell me be careful what you wish for, I understand fucking irony when I see it.  

So what now? Well, I'm trading in the mini-van for a school bus and coming to grips that starting in a few months, I will never sleep again. So, fuck Anthony Quinn? Fuck me.

Dracula

How's everybody doing? It's me Dracula. Forgive the old painting, but I have issues about being photographed and photographers. (They're delicious!) But I'm not here to talk about that, I'm here to talk about something we, me and you, live with everyday, fear.

Fear comes in many forms: spiders, ham and politicians. But just because we have fears, doesn't mean we have to live our lives in fear. Which is why I want to invite you all to the Los Angeles Learning Annex on October 31st , Halloween night,