Frankie Strong

(Peoria, Ill) Remember me? I'm the sterile guy who just wanted to be a dad, (see article F*ck Anthony Quinn) the guy who hated the late Anthony Quinn and his baby making abilities, the guy who thought it would be a good idea to dig up Anthony Quinn and eat his balls in order to get some baby-making mojo.

That's me, and I bet you're wondering how it all played out.

Well, I did just what I said I would. I ate AQ's nuts. And if you think that I was caught, arrested, speedily convicted and send to rot in prison for ten years where I have been repeatedly used as a semen recycler, you'd be wrong. Like I said, I dug up the old man and ate what was left of his big raisin balls, but then I went home with no trouble at all.

After a restful sleep, I had to see if the old balls worked. So I called up this girl that I kind of like, Caroline, who more importantly already has kids (so I know her stuff works). I threw a bottle of wine down her throat then did my thing. But she didn't get knocked up. So I banged her again and nothing. I must've banged her ten times, and still there was nothing. I lost. It was clear that Quinn took his magic with him to the grave. Depressed, I went on a carnal bender. I must have shagged every legal woman in three counties. And when I was drained of baby making cell I could muster, I made peace with the fact that I would never be a father.

Then three weeks ago the phone rang. It was Caroline. She was pregnant! With twins! And she wanted to keep them! Wow! It turned out that eating a dead actor's scrotum, was a good idea after all.

Until last week, when I got a call from Julie, an 18- year old I picked up at J Crew, she was pregnant. Then more calls started to roll in from the likes of of my bartender fuck-buddy Holly, flight attendant friend Wendy, Wendy's mom Tina, my old real estate agent Brooke, my actress neighbor Tory, my mail carrier Joan, Joan's daughter Amy and my fitness trainer Mary,

Then there were the women I met on MySpace: advertising exec Heather, local TV producer Kristen, kindergarten teacher Tiffany, youth minister Susan, librarian Courtney and therapist Lisa.

They were ALL pregnant They ALL of  wanted to keep their babies, and they ALL wanted me to help support those babies. Listen there's no need for you to tell me be careful what you wish for, I understand fucking irony when I see it.  

So what now? Well, I'm trading in the mini-van for a school bus and coming to grips that starting in a few months, I will never sleep again. So, fuck Anthony Quinn? Fuck me.