Hello gentlemen, Niles Crawford III here. How have you been? Washing your dirty little hands I pray. Well grab a towel and a chair. It’s time for lesson number two.

The biscuit.

That’s what we’re dealing with men, that mysterious, delicate, intricate and wonderful little biscuit. They are good with tea or a pint, by the way.

Any fingerbanger worth his weight in salt will tell you that to bring pleasure to the biscuit, you must get to know the biscuit. This does not mean shoving a fist full of fingers into the biscuit bin, though we will discuss that in a later lesson.

Today, it’s about getting to know your particular biscuit, because they all may be similar, but they are not identical, just like a great bag of chips.

The best way to get to know your biscuit is not to talk to it. It may bite, but it won’t talk back to you. What you need is light, and lots of it. If you can’t find the light of day, then a lamp or a fully charged flashlight will do.

Now explore (after washing your hands, of course) the biscuit. Discover its likes, dislikes and limitations, while keeping in my mind this biscuit will differ from other biscuits. And please do not tell me that during a casual encounter in an alley with a stranger (who is in your employ or not) that there is no time for exploring. Just like there is always room for Jell-o, there is always time for exploring the biscuit. Trust me the biscuit and its owner will thank you, maybe with a Rusty Trombone on the house.

Once you’ve gotten to know your biscuit, you are ready for a little fun. Novice fingerbangers I would stick to using a single digit, while the more advanced fingerbangers feel free to improvise. In the dark alley situation, I always prefer the Corkscrew or The British Bulldog, but I leave that decision up to you experts (only).

That’s enough for this time gents. So, until the next lesson, happy exploring.

Niles Crawford III