Skyler Anderton

What’s up America?

I was just sitting back enjoying some kind bud watching all these ancient dudes talking about the war on terror and whether waterboarding  is real torture or not, when I thought to myself. “Dude, these relics are big giant pussies.”

So I decided to do something about it, like writing an open letter.

Dear Intelligence guys and cranky old guys,

First, you guys suck for keeping weed illegal.

Second, you don’t know how to torture or what torture really is. Because anyone with a sac worth scratching will tell you that pretending to drown someone is sissy girl stuff compared to a real torture - teabagging.

Come on, what would you rather not have stuffed into your mouth, water or a furry skin bag full of man rocks? I know I would much rather have water in my mouth and get a full-time job with my dad’s plumbing company than suck balls. And just think how much those crazy towel-heads, (not the Indian Sikhs who serve up delicious slushees to me and my bros), but the Islamo-crazies would hate having a floppy, fuzzy piece of American manhood dropped on their tongue. I can just hear them begging for the waterboarding. Can’t you?

If you security dudes need to run a test teabagging, (and I would recommend it) then feel free to use my frat guy neighbor Ronnie McMichaels. He’s a real prick, who likes to tease me about my relaxed lifestyle. If he’s not a secret terrorist, then I’m sure he’s a rapist or a rapo-terrorist in waiting. In any case, he’s dangerous. If you need his cell number or daily routine, just let me know.

In closing, America is in trouble bros. And we’re counting on you to keep us safe. That means you might have to do some ugly things. And believe me there’s nothing uglier than a giant unkempt scrotum hanging above your chapped lips. But like a friend of mine said, “If you’re going to be a bear, be a Grizzly.” So Intelligence dudes, drop your shorts and be Grizzlies, big hairy Grizzlies.

Peace.