Hey folks,

Just announcing that like Congress and (the Birthers grasp of reality), I am taking a break...I will be back after Labor Day with more tasteful and kid-friendly stories.

See you in September,

Chris

A few days ago I was "tagged” by Frumpzilla from The Frump Gazette. I have to admit, it was not an unpleasant experiece. In full disclosure, I must say that this type of "tagging" is different from the childhood game and the adult game. (usually engaged in after a night of heavy drinking); it's a way for us to market our blog/sites. And that's a good thing...I hope.

Like anything in life, there are rules. They are,

1) Give a shout-out and link to the person/blog tagged you.

2) List Six Unimportant Things That Make You Happy.

3) Tag six of your favorite bloggers to play along.

4) Commenting on their blogs to let them know they’ve been tagged, (so they can get checked out by their doctor).

My favorite things?

1. Warm socks
2. Long sleeve t-shirts
3. Home made tacos
4. A good pen
5. Protected left turns
6. Sour Cream and Onion potato chips

Now, in no particular order, some blogs worth tagging.

1 Borowitz Report
2 RyanGarns.com
3 The Offended Blogger
4 Random Political Thoughts And News
5 No Regrets
6 Future Update

Enjoy

Hello folks. I apologize for being away, but I've been working on a book about my two favorite pastimes, fingerbanging and bird-watching.

Today I thought that I would answer a few of your questions. 

 Niles,

My friends and I were arguing about this yesterday. Is it okay to fingerbang a woman while she's sleeping?

 Joe G., New Jersey

 Joe,

It is okay, only if you are married to the woman, or you know her first name, last name and her mother's maiden name.

Niles,

I lost my main fingerbanging (middle) finger in an accident with a hacksaw. Luckily for me, I was born with six toes. I had my longest toe attached to my hand. Now, if I fingerbang my wife with my toe/finger is that still technically fingerbanging or is that a new type of sexual activity?

 Kenneth H., Ohio

Kenneth,

First, good for you for not giving up. You're an inspiration. But technically what you are doing is just good old fashion fingerbanging, which is not too bad. Is it?

Niles,

Spring Break is next week. My buddies and I are going to Florida, and I'm sure there will be a lot of fingerbanging opportunities. I always have clean hands and short nails. What else can I do to give me the fingerbanging edge?

Trip D., Texas

Trip,

Kudos for the clean hands and short nails. You're already ahead of the game. The only edge you might lack is technique. Even though it takes years to become a master, there are few techniques that might work for you. 1-The Hitchhiker, where you use only your thumbs or 2- The Bishop, where you hold your hands together as in prayer. As always use caution and lube if necessary, and be careful of the sand. Good luck.

That's all for today. I'll be back soon with more tips. Until then keep your hands clean and happy fingerbanging. 

 Niles Crawford III

Frankie Strong

First, let me tell you that I am a blessed man. I have 16 kids, all toddlers. (That’s a lot more than Anthony Quinn ever had, so stick it AQ!) Well, actually I have 151/2 toddlers. Besides the two sets of boy twins, my girl twins, my fraternal twins, my five girls and two boys, I have Shiloh, my retarded son.

Now, this might be the beer ball and lack of sleep talking, but I know that for the good of our species, I should drown him. Right?

Now before you call me a monster, let me assure you that I’ve been thinking about this for almost 4 weeks. And besides this is what happens in the animal kingdom. Lions kill their substandard cubs and so do other animals like rats, ground squirrels and prairie dogs. And we’re nothing but giant prairie dogs, right? Right. So before my son can pass along his inferior genes, I know what I have to do. 

The problem is that I can’t do it. I’m weak. Every time I think about pushing Shiloh’s head underwater I break down, because I love that goofy bastard. I love his crooked smile. I love that even though he’ll never get any of the jokes, he’ll still watch Family Guy with me, and I love that he doesn’t mind sharing his disability checks. 

So maybe for the sake of our species, I should embrace that love and not drown my retarded son. Maybe instead I should drown the normal kids? I don’t know. It’s all very confusing. Maybe I should figure out this obsession with drowning, get some sleep and go to AA.

Or maybe I should recognize my son Tyler’s ability to throw the football and turn him into his generation’s Todd Marinovich. Yes, that’s exactly what I should do....Boy, I’m glad I figured that out. 

Frankie Strong

(Peoria, Ill) Remember me? I'm the sterile guy who just wanted to be a dad, (see article F*ck Anthony Quinn) the guy who hated the late Anthony Quinn and his baby making abilities, the guy who thought it would be a good idea to dig up Anthony Quinn and eat his balls in order to get some baby-making mojo.

That's me, and I bet you're wondering how it all played out.

Well, I did just what I said I would. I ate AQ's nuts. And if you think that I was caught, arrested, speedily convicted and send to rot in prison for ten years where I have been repeatedly used as a semen recycler, you'd be wrong. Like I said, I dug up the old man and ate what was left of his big raisin balls, but then I went home with no trouble at all.

After a restful sleep, I had to see if the old balls worked. So I called up this girl that I kind of like, Caroline, who more importantly already has kids (so I know her stuff works). I threw a bottle of wine down her throat then did my thing. But she didn't get knocked up. So I banged her again and nothing. I must've banged her ten times, and still there was nothing. I lost. It was clear that Quinn took his magic with him to the grave. Depressed, I went on a carnal bender. I must have shagged every legal woman in three counties. And when I was drained of baby making cell I could muster, I made peace with the fact that I would never be a father.

Then three weeks ago the phone rang. It was Caroline. She was pregnant! With twins! And she wanted to keep them! Wow! It turned out that eating a dead actor's scrotum, was a good idea after all.

Until last week, when I got a call from Julie, an 18- year old I picked up at J Crew, she was pregnant. Then more calls started to roll in from the likes of of my bartender fuck-buddy Holly, flight attendant friend Wendy, Wendy's mom Tina, my old real estate agent Brooke, my actress neighbor Tory, my mail carrier Joan, Joan's daughter Amy and my fitness trainer Mary,

Then there were the women I met on MySpace: advertising exec Heather, local TV producer Kristen, kindergarten teacher Tiffany, youth minister Susan, librarian Courtney and therapist Lisa.

They were ALL pregnant They ALL of  wanted to keep their babies, and they ALL wanted me to help support those babies. Listen there's no need for you to tell me be careful what you wish for, I understand fucking irony when I see it.  

So what now? Well, I'm trading in the mini-van for a school bus and coming to grips that starting in a few months, I will never sleep again. So, fuck Anthony Quinn? Fuck me.