(Los Angeles, CA) Last night there wasn’t a bruised eye in the house, city or state as thousands of proponents and providers of domestic violence took the night off to pay homage to one of their icons, Ike Turner. Turner, of beating the living hell out of Tina Turner fame, died at his San Marcos home yesterday at the age of  76.

“It’s been a tough day. I feel like I’ve lost a father figure,” some abusive husband Gerald Coffey. “The last thing I want to do is beat my old lady, no matter how many steaks she over cooks.”

“Coffey’s dead on. I’ve been crying so much. I can’t lift my finger much less break someone’s ribs,” said Roberta Howser, one of the few female providers of domestic violence. “But I have a feeling I’ll be better tomorrow. You hear me in there Charlie?”

Earlier in the day TinaTurner released a statement that focused on the positive aspects of Ike and wished him peace in his next life. Later, she was seen having a late dinner with friends, where she sang Proud Mary and look relieved.

“Well she wouldn’t have been out to that late dinner and singing if Ike was still here, I can tell you that,” said five-time parolee Johnny ‘Knuckles’ Roudibaw. “Just goes to show you how much we’re all going to miss Ike.”

In other news, President Bush gave the nation’s children an early Christmas present: no health insurance. “Hey, I can’t take all the credit. Santa Claus and the Democrats helped make sure you guys have a very sick Christmas and a bankrupt New Year."