(Philadelpia, PA) 18 year-old Mary Chaffin is a big fan of the movie SAW and it’s two sequels, but she is not looking forward to the fourth installment. Her boyfriend, 18 year-old Seth Hamer, whom she loves dearly and hopes one day to marry, is why.

”Okay, this is maybe kind of a little bit gross,” said Mary “but when Seth sees a SAW movie, he likes to wear his favorite pair of underwear called “The Scary Shorts”. Because what happens during the movie is that Seth gets so scared, he poops himself. It’s what he likes. But those shorts have taken a lot of punishment, and I’m afraid of what’s going to happen if Seth tries to crap his way through another SAW film.”

What is so special about this underwear?  

“My dad gave me them before he was killed by a gang of renegade Spanish squirrels. Don’t look at me that way. It really happened,” said Seth. “The last thing we did together was see SAW, where I shit myself. So now when I drop a deuce in my pants during a SAW movie, it’s a tribute to the old man. And I don’t know what would happen if something happened to my “Scary Shorts”…What would I lay a grumpy in, the toilet?”  

Mary loves Seth so much that she actually sent a letter to the producers of the SAW movies asking them not to make another sequel. The producers sent back a video of them laughing, but did offer to shoot a commercial with Seth dropping the kids off in new shorts.

“Seth would never do that,” said Mary, who feels like she’s running out of options. Her friends, however, think she’s run out of brains. “I don’t know how she doesn’t see it, but Seth is a total loser,” said Paige Tansel, Mary’s friend since grade school.  “He’s like a dirty baby with poopie diapers. And she could do so much better, like Ronny Applewhite. He’s a swimmer, editor of the school newspaper, and he’s got full ride to Harvard. He’s a C-A-T-C-H, catch!”

Mary dismissed the idea of Ronny, saying that she hates the smell of chlorine. But she also said that she is getting a little tired of the dirty diaper smell. “Maybe I’ve put up with enough of Seth’s crap. Maybe it’s time for him to take some of mine, figuratively I mean.”

Seth is one-step ahead of Mary. He’s got an idea to save their relationship. “This is the olive branch to end all olive branches,” said Seth. “Here it is. This weekend, during SAW IV, I’ve decided to grow up and not wear my “Scary Shorts”. In fact, I’m not going to wear any shorts. I’m going to wear the pair of jeans that Mary gave me for Christmas and drop my deuce in them. Mary will love it.”

When Mary heard of Seth’s olive branch, she reached out for the phone and called her friend Paige. “Hi, it’s me. Would you happen to have Ronny Applewhite’s number? Call me crazy, but I’m betting that over the long haul chlorine smells better than shit.”