(Burbank, CA) With declining ratings and stale programming, because of a prolonged writer’s strike, the major television networks are scrambling to find new content. CBS, ABC and FOX are relying on a mixture of reality, canned series and repurposed cable shows to fill the void, but NBC thinks they might have trumped them all.

The peacock network has just picked up a new reality show, Catch Me If You Can,  that will be produced and star Osama Bin Laden.

“Look, Osama is coming off a very successful season of Al Qaeda Idol. His Q rating is sky high, and we think there are still a lot of people who would like to find him or watch other people try,” said NBC spokesman John Cahill.

Catch Me If You Can will be, of course, about trying to catch Osama. The cast will be comprised of 20 aspiring FBI or CIA agents, convicted felons (of a violent nature) and striking writers, who will be sent to Afghanistan for three weeks to find Osama. The winner will win 25 million dollars and/or a percentage of the DVD and Internet gross.

The rest of the show details are still a mystery. “Osama wants to terminate a contestant every day and offer their blood up to Allah,” said Cahill. “We’re thinking every other day with some sort of immunity built in, but we’re still hammering out the details.”

The other networks are calling Catch Me If You Can an abomination, but one high profile individual thinks it's a great idea.

“I wish I would have thought of this,” said President George W. Bush. “It sounds fun. Hell, I’ve got a good mind to try out for this show myself. 25 million bucks will go a long way in Crawford, Texas.”  

(Los Angeles, CA) Last night there wasn’t a bruised eye in the house, city or state as thousands of proponents and providers of domestic violence took the night off to pay homage to one of their icons, Ike Turner. Turner, of beating the living hell out of Tina Turner fame, died at his San Marcos home yesterday at the age of  76.

“It’s been a tough day. I feel like I’ve lost a father figure,” some abusive husband Gerald Coffey. “The last thing I want to do is beat my old lady, no matter how many steaks she over cooks.”

“Coffey’s dead on. I’ve been crying so much. I can’t lift my finger much less break someone’s ribs,” said Roberta Howser, one of the few female providers of domestic violence. “But I have a feeling I’ll be better tomorrow. You hear me in there Charlie?”

Earlier in the day TinaTurner released a statement that focused on the positive aspects of Ike and wished him peace in his next life. Later, she was seen having a late dinner with friends, where she sang Proud Mary and look relieved.

“Well she wouldn’t have been out to that late dinner and singing if Ike was still here, I can tell you that,” said five-time parolee Johnny ‘Knuckles’ Roudibaw. “Just goes to show you how much we’re all going to miss Ike.”

In other news, President Bush gave the nation’s children an early Christmas present: no health insurance. “Hey, I can’t take all the credit. Santa Claus and the Democrats helped make sure you guys have a very sick Christmas and a bankrupt New Year."

(New Orleans, LA) September 2005, hurricane Katrina devastated the city of New Orleans. December 2007, not much has been rebuilt, and actor turned activist Brad Pitt is determined to do something about it.

“I’ve created this MAKE IT RIGHT project because men, you and I, are going to make this right and rebuild New Orleans,” said Pitt. “And if you don't, I’m going to bed your wife, girlfriend or daughter. And don’t test me guys, because you know I will and we both know that they will.”

While Pitt’s threat took New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin by surprise, he liked the actor’s tone. ”I know I shouldn’t say this, but there’s some part of me that hopes you cheap white mother-fuckers don’t help.”
 
Nagin’s not the only one feels that way. Nearly 60 percent of the women polled said that they are willing to face the consequences, if their husbands, boyfriends and fathers don’t help MAKE IT RIGHT.  

But in a surprising twist, nearly 70 percent of married men said that they are also willing to face the consequences. “Go right ahead Mr. Pitt and bang the shit out of my wife,” taunted Jared Tansel, a car dealer from Dallas, Texas. “I haven’t been able to make that hag cum in twenty years, maybe you can. In fact, I dare you to try.”

Other men have been more gracious about their wives and have suggested they might help MAKE IT RIGHT, if Pitt allowed a wife-swapping situation to take place.

Pitt said he has no intention of letting any other man bed Angelina. And according to the lack of help and donations coming in, it looks like he has no choice but to follow up on his threat. “Maybe I misjudged the American people and their desire to help,” said Pitt while buying a truckload of rubbers.

Other actor/activist like George Clooney, Richard Gere and Woody Harrelson disagree and think Pitt is onto something. They plan to use a similar sex threat to help save Darfour, the Dalai Lama and the right for everyone to get stoned to the bejesus belt.

(Thousand Oaks, Ca) After months of deliberating, part-time economics teacher, Alice Cahill, the last known Air Supply fan, has decided to call it quits. "It's hard, but it's really for the best." said a somber Alice, as she put the Air Supply album Yours Truly into a time capsule. "Maybe future generations will rediscover and love the Supply, but I can't do it anymore." 

Why?

"They took me for granted," said Alice. "Over the past 25 years, I've turned down dozens of full-time teaching jobs in order to follow Air Supply. And not once, did I get a 'thank you', a 'way to go', or a  'What are you doing for Christmas Alice? Because if you're not doing anything special, the band would like to invite you over because you're so important to us.'....I think that's bullshit, and I'm done."

"Let her walk. What the hell do I care?" said Air Supply lead singer, Russell Hitchcock from his garage/office. "We have plenty of other fans. In fact there was a fan right outside just a minute ago. Here, look out the window. Well, that's the mailman Terry. But there was a fan out there, there was."

Air Supply may not want Alice, but a slew of other vintage bands do. "Alice is great," said Robert Lamm, lead singer from the 80's fave CHICAGO. "25 years, are you kidding me? We'd love to have someone who has that level of commitment."


In fact CHICAGO has made Alice a very firm fan offer. "Besides love, we're offering Alice a 401k, two holidays a year with the band, and a child sired by me," said Lamm. But CHICAGO doesn't have it sewn up, because bands like ASIA, KAJAGOOGOOO, ALDO NOVA, DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS and TOMMY TUTONE are throwing their hats into the ring. 

"In the end I had to go where my heart told me to go, and that's CHICAGO," said Alice at a press conference this morning. "Sorry ASIA, but those windy city boys are something special."

"No Alice, you're something special. You're special for turning things around for us, for giving us new life" said Lamm. "Hell, we feel like we're forty-five again!"

(Philadelpia, PA) 18 year-old Mary Chaffin is a big fan of the movie SAW and it’s two sequels, but she is not looking forward to the fourth installment. Her boyfriend, 18 year-old Seth Hamer, whom she loves dearly and hopes one day to marry, is why.

”Okay, this is maybe kind of a little bit gross,” said Mary “but when Seth sees a SAW movie, he likes to wear his favorite pair of underwear called “The Scary Shorts”. Because what happens during the movie is that Seth gets so scared, he poops himself. It’s what he likes. But those shorts have taken a lot of punishment, and I’m afraid of what’s going to happen if Seth tries to crap his way through another SAW film.”

What is so special about this underwear?  

“My dad gave me them before he was killed by a gang of renegade Spanish squirrels. Don’t look at me that way. It really happened,” said Seth. “The last thing we did together was see SAW, where I shit myself. So now when I drop a deuce in my pants during a SAW movie, it’s a tribute to the old man. And I don’t know what would happen if something happened to my “Scary Shorts”…What would I lay a grumpy in, the toilet?”  

Mary loves Seth so much that she actually sent a letter to the producers of the SAW movies asking them not to make another sequel. The producers sent back a video of them laughing, but did offer to shoot a commercial with Seth dropping the kids off in new shorts.

“Seth would never do that,” said Mary, who feels like she’s running out of options. Her friends, however, think she’s run out of brains. “I don’t know how she doesn’t see it, but Seth is a total loser,” said Paige Tansel, Mary’s friend since grade school.  “He’s like a dirty baby with poopie diapers. And she could do so much better, like Ronny Applewhite. He’s a swimmer, editor of the school newspaper, and he’s got full ride to Harvard. He’s a C-A-T-C-H, catch!”

Mary dismissed the idea of Ronny, saying that she hates the smell of chlorine. But she also said that she is getting a little tired of the dirty diaper smell. “Maybe I’ve put up with enough of Seth’s crap. Maybe it’s time for him to take some of mine, figuratively I mean.”

Seth is one-step ahead of Mary. He’s got an idea to save their relationship. “This is the olive branch to end all olive branches,” said Seth. “Here it is. This weekend, during SAW IV, I’ve decided to grow up and not wear my “Scary Shorts”. In fact, I’m not going to wear any shorts. I’m going to wear the pair of jeans that Mary gave me for Christmas and drop my deuce in them. Mary will love it.”

When Mary heard of Seth’s olive branch, she reached out for the phone and called her friend Paige. “Hi, it’s me. Would you happen to have Ronny Applewhite’s number? Call me crazy, but I’m betting that over the long haul chlorine smells better than shit.”