(Chicago, IL) 20 years ago former bounty hunter Jack Walsh was very unpopular with the Chicago police department. Today however Jack and his diner, Jack’s, are very popular with not only the Chicago police department but also the entire Windy City.

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(New York, NY) Historians at the Museum of Natural History have finally completed their analysis of the 20th Century. To their surprise, they found that the big winners were white people.

"For some reason, which we will uncover in our next study, white people just seemed to benefit more from the events of the 20th Century that off-white people," said lead researcher Hunter Bookman.

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(Hartford, CT) His name is Robert Jennings Bryan. He’s 5 years old and lives in an upscale neighborhood outside of Hartford. His parents call him Bobby, but he calls himself Robert. And as he gets older most people will call him - blowhard.

“He’s on the path,” said Robert’s mother Bonnie. “I don’t know how he got on it or how he can get off.”

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(Colorado Springs, CO) It was a spectacular fall afternoon with just the right amount of chill in the air, as 21 kids aged 4 to 9 gathered at the Adamson household to wish young Joey a happy 8th birthday. It’s too bad that Joey fucked it up by being...a socialist.

Everything was going great. The Guitar Hero contest, where 8 year-old Hunter Pierce dazzled the crowd by conquering Purple Haze, was a big hit. The trouble started when it was time to eat the Dark Knight themed birthday cake.

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Hello my fellow Americans, Joe Biden here.

Ever since that cool cat President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court, I have gotten a zillion phone calls from you saying that you are outraged, OUTRAGED, that the GOP and their media minions have called Judge Sotomayor a racist, liberal and intellectual lightweight.

All I have to say about that is, WELL DUH!

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